The Inevitable Future...

When more hair's up my nose than on top of my head
I need winches and pullies to climb out of bed
When I say that the internet's only a‘fad’...
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When I'm ‘tutting’ at young whippersnappers in town
And my clothes are all beige or a light shade of brown
When the Daily Mail doesn’t seem hate-filled or mad…
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When the tools in my shed are a sight to behold
And with nine layers of clothing I still feel the cold
When my only 'hip' thing is the replacement I had…
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When my cock is an item I use just to pee
And I drive like a twat even though I can't see
When police look like kids and it makes me feel sad…
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When I'm sexist and racist, intolerant and rude
And I take out my teeth to eat liquidised food
When the price of a loaf makes me declare a 'jihad'...
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When I call all men 'sonny' and all women 'birds'
And could stink out the Midlands with one of my turds
When l start every phrase with: 'When I were a lad...'
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

When my bollocks are dangling down by my knees
And I shout 'It's Swine Flu!' every time that I sneeze*
When I whinge like a bitch about stuff that's not bad...
That’s when I'll know I've turned into my Dad

I'll refuse to admit that I've ever been wrong
And I'll treat my own son like a big spakka mong
When I go batshit mental, and sing when I poo...
Then I'll know I've turned into my fucking mum, too!



*edited for topicality
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 17:54, 21 replies)

WINNER!
What's wrong with a musical poo? Going for an Eartha is the next best self-indulgence to having a spot of *cocoa*. With the advantage of being a legitimate activity - I always take a magazine in with me and make a meal of it. Nothing beats the satisfaction of the final spladoosh, accompanied by fresh splash-back (I flush mid-poo to achieve this).

*clicks*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:01, closed)

....or
that you've turned into PAM FUCKING AYRES!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:02, closed)

'ooh me dearie' (etc)...

I haven't done any poetry for a while...

Just thought I'd dust off my rhyming trousers...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:03, closed)

I thought about writing
'when you write rubbish poems and nobody cares,
that's when you've turned into PAM FUCKING AYRES'

but that wouldn't have been true - it's actually very good sir, I just can't help myself sometimes.

Sorry and all that old chap, eh?
*slaps PF on the back a bit too hard*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:06, closed)

^^arf!^^

Eh, you young scallywags!

I was writing poetry before you were an itch in your daddy's pants!

I didn't fight in 3 world wars etc...

*Drones on*

*Falls asleep*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:09, closed)

Pam Eyres? No . .
. . more like an homage to Fred Wedlock.
(SalRossi Laughter the best medicine? Nurse, penicillin....., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 19:24, closed)

I think
I may need to print this out and send copies to my sisters.

And a copy to my parents in time for Mother's Day.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:02, closed)

Fab!
Bloody brilliant :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:13, closed)

*Rises from his seat to applaud*
Again the dream fades of topping the 'Best' page
With stories of parents and the onset of age
As now that I've seen Pooflake's little poem
I'll pack up my bags and take them straight home
He's written more ditties than I've had hot dinners
Ladies and gents, I give you the WINNAR!

(Oh, and *click*)
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:19, closed)

Ahem!
Pooflake oh Pooflake
You're my kind of fella
Too bad that your on B3ta
And not locked in my cellar.
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:21, closed)

Showing my parental pedantry
it's "you're" in the third line...sorry, couldn't resist given the subject of the QoTW. Feel free to tell me where to go...
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:31, closed)

I have a bit of a blind spot with your and you're.
I still like you though : )
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:59, closed)

Amazing...
quite simply fucking amazing...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 18:46, closed)

Brilliant!
That is all
(antigen is running away from something, Fri 1 May 2009, 5:35, closed)

Spakka Mong!
That's the nickname for one of my mates.

We were talking about insults, I pointed out that nothing really bothers me anymore.

He piped up saying "I only hate two words, spakker and mong."

At which point his new nickname was born!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 1 May 2009, 9:56, closed)

**applause**
Think how much better the world would be if you were Poet Laureate instead of Carol Ann Duffy.
More interesting, anyway...
(berk, Fri 1 May 2009, 14:26, closed)

Ah
Pooflake's writing is

like the caress of blossom

on my erect cock.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 2 May 2009, 1:47, closed)

MMMMM
dirty dirty haiku...
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 6 May 2009, 23:05, closed)

stop hoarding all the talent, you fucker!
*click*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 3 May 2009, 18:34, closed)

Poof
That's pretty bloody good, that!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:27, closed)

See this? This thing on my head? It's my cap.
I'm doffing it in your direction.

*clicks like Flipper reading aloud in Morse Code*
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 7 May 2009, 8:15, closed)