ARSE CREAM (or how I acted like an adult this weekend)
I spent last weekend twatting about on a sled up at Hampstead Heath - the place to be if you're gay and want head from a random stranger (or George Michael) - with my mate Steve, skidding about on the freshly cut grass and having a whale of a time until some cunt in a coppers uniform advised us to, and this is a direct quote:

"Fuck off and start acting your age."

So we did fuck off, back to Steve's for a few beers.

Fine by me.

We settle in for an afternoon of footie on the TV. But whilst watching Soccer Saturday Steve starts to complain about a pain in his backside.

He goes to the Gary Glitter for a Richard the Third and comes back shortly afterwards, looking whiter than an albino klu klux clan member who's mum DOES use Persil.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" I laugh, showing as much concern as I can.

"My arse is bleeding! That fucking sled!"

And then Steve does something more fucking grusomely awfully horrible than having to sit through every mind numbingly dull moment of Titanic with Leonard -girly boy - DiCaprio breezing round like a big twat.

He pulls down his kegs, spins round, and spreads his arsecheeks.

Fuck me...

"Piles, mate," I say, reaching for my phone to take a photo to show him the trauma damage to his unholy ring.

I snap a quick photo, show him. He nearly passes out. It looks like a hand grenade's gone off up his jacksy.

"Hang on," I say. "I'll just pop down to Boots on Kentish Town Road - I'll get you something for it." And off I go, being a big responsible fully paid up member of the responsible adult club.

My mum would've been proud.

I walk down to Boots, it's arse cream galore - too much fucking choice - I choose the tried and trusted brand and mosey on over to the counter.

The girl who's serving was about eighteen.

I feel the need to make conversation, I feel compelled to let her know the arse repair cream isn't for me, but even as I utter the words I realise just how fucking GAY I sound; might just as well have stuck a cock in my mouth and got me to perform in Priscilla Queen of the Desert:

"Just been up on the Heath playing a bit rough with my mate, this cream's for him" I nod my head towards the Preparation H. I was like a speeding car crash, I just couldn't stop myself. "Should really be a health warning for what we were doing... Had to stop when the old bill caught us at it..."

I smile nervously.

The girl goes red and giggles as she rings my purchase through the til.

"Whatever floats yer boat, mate," she says.

"There's nothing funny about piles," I say in my indignant-approaching-middle-aged-man-voice, trying to wrestle back control of this fucked up conversation. "Can be fatal," I say with as much gravitas as I can muster, though really not too sure if that's true.

The girl smirks even more.

She appears to have tears in her eyes and she's biting her bottom lip to keep from pissing herself.

I pay. I leave with a little hurumph of indignity. Fuck the kids. Who wants to be down with the kids? Not me. Fuck um. Fuck um hard. Up the arse.

Then, earlier tonight I'm down at the same branch of Boots with the Mrs, picking up the monthly supply of toiletries.

The same girl serves us.

As I pay she says, matter-of-factly:

"How's your friends bottom today, Sir?"

I say its fine, thank you.

We leave.

And the Mrs says: "I don't even want to know..."

Thinking about it...

...really should delete that photo of Steve's arse off my phone...

And in future stop pretending to act like a responsible adult - it usually ends in some moment of cringeworthy trauma like this.

Curse the eighteen year old girl who works in Boots!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 1 May 2009, 0:43, 7 replies)

Spanky
you sod!!

:)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 1 May 2009, 1:25, closed)

* clicks and clicks and clicks *
solely for the phrase 'arse cream galore'.
if someone doesnt use that for a band name, I dont know what the worlds coming to.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Fri 1 May 2009, 4:00, closed)

You are my hero
Every time a giggle wonderful way to end my friday thank you very much
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Fri 1 May 2009, 6:22, closed)

Pictures or it didn't...
... actually, I think this time we'll let you off.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 1 May 2009, 8:25, closed)

Yes...
I am inclined to agree..this time, I think that we'll have to take his word for it!
(Asharin Stabby stab stab, Sun 3 May 2009, 21:32, closed)

Ace!
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 1 May 2009, 10:05, closed)

Goatse image
Really badly. In my head. But thanks for sharing a fucking hilarious story.
( thewhatofwhom Um... whom?, Sat 2 May 2009, 20:25, closed)