The ‘Not turning into your parents' survival guide…

I am officially an old fucker. I have long since given up trying to have any attachment to, or understanding of, the culture of the next generation.

In short, I am my parents.

Here is a list of several regularly used phrases etc that I use to compound this fact. If you use them too…you’re in trouble. Hopefully this post could be the ‘wake up call’ to pull you from the precipice of becoming your oldies too.

Phrase: Who d’you think I am? Rockerfeller?

Nobody knows (or cares) who Rockerfeller was anymore. Even I’m not entirely sure…I believe he was rich, but there are millions more relevant and modern comparisons which you can make…

Alternative action that gets to the point better and doesn’t make you look like an old fart: Shout: “You’re not having any of my money. Please fuck off.”

Phrase: ”He / She looks like the wreck of the Hesperus”

(I mean, what the wallowing cock?!? I’ve said that phrase a million times and I still had to google it just now to find out not only what it was and what is meant, but how it was spelled. And now I do know what it actually refers to, it makes even less sense – what the arse has it got to do with a person’s dishevelled appearance? I’ll tell you…FUCK ALL!)

Alternative action: Point at the offending person and state clearly: “What a trampy twat!”

Phrase: “More haste, less speed”

I insist on regularly dusting off this ‘wise’ old adage, which must be said in a smarmy, patronising manner whilst simultaneously looking down your nose at someone.

Alternative action: I’ve found that bellowing: “Stop fucking rushing, cunt-pie!” suffices just as adequately.


(And, paradoxically):

Phrase: ”They won’t get there any quicker! ”

Yes.they.will. It’s been proven on many an occasion.

Alternative action: Just don’t say anything. ‘Tut’ if you must when someone razzes past your car at Mach 3.5, but for fuck’s sake don’t speak.

Phrase: “What are you like?”

This is usually spoken with a fake laugh following being subjected to someone’s dull-as-whale-shit anecdote of how ‘Keerrraayyzzeee’ they are, when in actual fact they’re about as ‘crazy’ as a flask of Ovaltine. I'm not Irish. There is no excuse.

Alternative action: Just punch them stoutly in the face and bellow: “DULLARD!”

(In my defence, I have managed to turn this phrase around somewhat. If peopIe who know me hear me say ‘What are you like?” they know to start running.)

Phrase: “That’s not music, it’s just a bloody noise?”

Possibly the worst and most blatant ‘I’ve turned into my parents’ crime you can commit. Nothing displays how out-of-touch with modern life you are like not knowing or understanding today’s music. Also, If you follow the phrase up with ‘I can’t make out the lyrics’, then shoot yourself. Now. It’s for the best.

Alternative action: Just say: “Meh, it’s alright, but it’s not my cup of tea". In fact, scatch that. Don’t say ‘cup of tea’, say….erm…..’bucket of drugs’.

Phrase: “She’ll catch her death with that short skirt…”

Although there’s a very slight chance that she might indeed get raped and murdered for dressing like a slag, it’s her choice, and should that situation occur, then the external temperature will surely be the last thing on her mind.

Besides, we all like a good ogle.

Alternative action: Simply mutter “Phwooar!” under your breath, or possibly, as an acceptable ethnic variant 'Grrrr' quietly to yourself a la Sid James, whilst rummaging around in your pockets pretending to look for spare change.

(If you’re female by the way, then shout “Slapper!”, and glare ferociously)

Last and by all means least…the waistband. For the love of pastel-shade fuck, it’s called a ‘waist’ band because it goes around your WAIST – not under your armpits…you might have already relegated yourself to the ‘wearing jogging bottoms around the house’ stage but in the name of all that produces jizz, wear them properly..

I feel like I’m providing a public service here. It’s too late for me, people…but please…if you can...save yourselves.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 1 May 2009, 15:35, 13 replies)

GREAT!!!
Nice to see you're as busy as me at work this fine Friday afternoon, matey.

Great post - love it!!!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 1 May 2009, 15:41, closed)

You should have published this list years ago
as I already do most of these (Except for the pants, I keep my pants on my waist. For anyone reading this, Please for the love of god, kill me if you ever see me with my pants pulled up under my armpits.)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 1 May 2009, 15:41, closed)

:) nice
You forgot

If the wind changes your face will stay like that
or was it only my mum who said things like that?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 1 May 2009, 16:12, closed)

Hesperus
Wasnt it the battle ship that was one of the first to try out anti submarine paint and therefore had a wierd zigzag pattern all over it like one of Noel's Saturday morning jumpers. Therefore the wreck of said ship would be even worse...


I may nick that and start using it I like being a twat
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 1 May 2009, 16:26, closed)

Waistbands
do indeed belong on the waist.

They don't belong three inches below the hipbones.

And they don't belong six inches above the knee either.

I really don't want to see your ass crack.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 May 2009, 17:08, closed)

Waistbands
I think there is a nominal tolerance for waistband acceptability and seeing as I have a pen and paper, a ruler and a hot cup of peppermint tea in front of me I have elected to pin these tolerances down and may submit them to wikipedia for global refference.

On measuring the person ones legs measure approximately 50% of total personage, the stop point for 'legs' being a slight variable between the gusset area and about half way up the arse cheek.

The upper torso including the head measuring from the head down to slightly beyond the hip and comes in at a lovely 37.5% of the total prole.

Now between these two entities remains an area that measures 12.5% of any given motherfucker.

So this distance represents the very maximum limits of 'play' with ones belt line, at the lower end of the scale being plumbers, tilers, gardeners etc and at the upper limits we find middle managers, sales people and jehovahs witnesses.

Now this tollerance scale can also be read as a ratio of lower body to upper body and as such can be expressed as

4-4 or 5-3 as being acceptable ratios.

Now as we are aware the eldely often flout this entirely by presenting a ratio of 6-2 or worse, however what I would like to draw attention to is the reverse scenario typically sported by young people (under 23+-) as ratios of 3-5 with underpants clearly on view and pants held in place in an unclear manner. It is not cool, pull your fuckin pants up.
(The Cats Twat, Fri 1 May 2009, 19:58, closed)

^^^You should post this^^^

For it is simply one of the finest, most brilliant things I have ever read

*clicks reply*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 1 May 2009, 21:24, closed)

Shouldn't it be "less haste, more speed"?
www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en-GB&q=define%3Ahaste

It seems to make more sense. Speed is what you want; haste is being too hurried.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 1 May 2009, 20:03, closed)

Hmm...Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know...

But 'More haste, less speed' is how I heard it.

It's a point of conjecture apparently.

www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/22/messages/445.html
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 1 May 2009, 21:26, closed)

*Clicks*
for making me nod like a dashboard-displayed Dachshund while at work on a Bank Holiday :(
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Mon 4 May 2009, 9:58, closed)

I was thinking 'cup of tea' sounds a bit 'old'
so I'm clicking like Roy Castle with Parkinson's for 'bucket of drugs' :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 5 May 2009, 12:04, closed)

Bucket of drugs


Done that.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 5 May 2009, 22:13, closed)

“That’s not music, it’s just a bloody noise?”
ha. My sister's facebook status is currently, "[name] went to see Bloc Party (I hadn't heard of them either) and it just sounded like loud noise. I am turning into my father (those sentences are connected)."
Plus she calls the Fleet Foxes the Arctic Foxes and describes Faithless as "that song that sounds like it has lots of people on it."
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Wed 6 May 2009, 17:01, closed)