This is fucking tenuous
but I'm not waiting for "Revenge", "Pranks" or "Cunts" to come up in QOTW again.

Let's get this out of the way now - I went to a private, all-boys school. As a result I am much better-educated than anything about me would indicate, I never even met an actual female woman until I was 18 and anybody who says anything about school days being the best days of your life gets an immediate fisting from me. But my personal woes are not the issue of the day.

The point is, my school did not stand for practical jokes, boys stepping out of line (yes the older teachers actually did shout "You, boy!" like some neolithic pensioner, no they never had the sense of humour to prefix it with "Me Tarzan") or any semblance of original thought*. Which brings us to the last day before those of us in the Upper Sixth left to do our A-levels.

Assembly was an absurdly formal affair whereby everyone would be seated until the Headmaster came in from the back - OF THE ROOM - at which point everyone had to stand up. On the aforementioned day, three of my fellow students had taken it upon themselves to make a statement of intent by bleaching their hair, like several dickheaded footballers of the time. They sat together with shit-eating grins, convinced of their own godlike status.

The Headmaster disagreed.

He summoned them to his office and gave them a good old-fashioned bollocking, instructing them to turn up for the first day of exams with non-blonde hair or not at all. When Monday rolled around it became apparent that Ed, Tom and Will (for 'twere their names, although I liked to refer to each of them as "Cunty-Chops", not to their faces, they were bigger than me) had very little tonsorial experience. Apparently bright fucking bleach blonde combined with dark brown inside 24 hours equates to a shade best described as "Tabby ginger cat".

A little more background. Ed, Tom and Will were all on the rugby team. They were all moneyed up to fuck. They were all in my politics form and they were all cunts. Especially to me, cos I was a heavy metal-loving geek with no mates. They lorded it over the Sixth Form centre and basically featured in every wish fulfilment fantasy I ever had between 15 and 18 that involved guns and chainsaws instead of Jet from Gladiators. But now the hideous prejudice of a bunch of sexually repressed teenage boys was working against them instead of for them. At every turn their usual jibes were met with volleys of abusive terms such as Tampon, Carrottop and You Stupid Fucking Ginger Twat. Knowing the pain of being on the receiving end of a fuckload of unwarranted abuse, I stayed out of it (they were bigger than me).

Unwisely, but hilariously, they planned revenge on our Septuagenarian Headmaster.

Two days later the Head received a call from the proprietor of Hooty McBoob's Sex Toy Emporium. Yes I've made the fucking name up. He told them that several of his students were causing a ruckus in his shop and that he'd better get down here sharpish unless he wanted the police involved. He dodders down there like an enraged cross between a bull elephant and the human embodiment of gout. He enters the store with a pre-prepared riot act ready for the reading.

He exits the store two minutes later. It's hard to know (as I wasn't there and this could all be bollocks, frankly) whether he was more confused by the proprietor being a different gender to the one who'd called him, by said proprietor having no idea what he was talking about, or the flashbulbs from the cameras capturing the foremost figure of Nottingham's Private Education exiting a sex shop.

Hence, "Cunts"^


*Apart from the time when the Head Boy played the Imperial March as the Head came in for assembly. He got away with it cos a) he was smart enough to do it on the organ, displaying learning, b) it was fucking funny and c) he was every single teacher's pet. He was, shall we say, reared for the job.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 12:22, 5 replies)

Clicked
Mainly for the '"Me Tarzan" prefix.' Nice one, sir.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 13:27, closed)

I'll be using that soon.
'Reared for the job' is a nice turn of phrase too.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 2 Mar 2010, 17:00, closed)

you may have not liked them
but that was fucking genius on their part.
(jennymnemonic, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 16:17, closed)

I'm struggling to see what makes them cunts at all, here.
unless "them having more mates then you" is an automatic free pass into vaginaworld.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 16:41, closed)

Fair play
It was a genius scheme, if they pulled it off at all. You'll have to take my word for it, having been at school with them. They were bullying cunts in the way that only schoolkids can be. They had balls, certainly, but it was just a shame they weren't lodged in their throats following the impact of a colossal donkey kick
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 17:20, closed)