Going Too FarEver had one of your mates go too far? Back when I was a teenager I went to stay with a friend in the country. We took his dog for a walk in some woods - which was fun.
We came across a breeding pen for the local pheasant shoot - which was interesting.
But then my friend broke into the cages, grabbed a pheasant, strangled it and proceeded to throw it around, only managing to rescue it from his dog's jaws seconds before a gamekeeper turned up to see what the hell was going on. Now, that was a bit too far...
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chthonic, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:11)
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More Scary DaveBy popular request, (ok not really), more Scary Dave.
It was a very odd workplace in which Dave was just the oddest and scariest - there was one guy who could only get it up by shagging his wife's armpit (and would happily tell us this) and the guy who accused every other man of wearing anal intruders to work. The list, unpleasantly goes on. It's the only job I have had where I have been glad to be considered boringly normal by my workmates.
At work one day, Dave suggested that we should all club together and buy, as he termed it, "Some East European tart. You can get them for about five grand you know..."
He even claimed to have a rota worked out. Sort of like some twisted prostitution timeshare.
I worked out a way to deter him (and some of the others, who were marginally less odd than Dave, one of whom was known as Uncle Fester because of his physical resemblance and shambling zombie gait).
I said "I see where you're coming from Dave, but I know what would happen. One day, you would come in and say 'Sorry lads, I've broken her'."
He looked thoughtful for a bit and said "Yeah, you're probably right."
'Moisty in a box' is the inevitable sorry conversational conclusion if you work in an all male environment, on shiftwork doing a job you all hate. The culture and banter becomes increasingly obscene. Not for those guys normal obscenities, they invented their own. One particular one sticks in the mind: 'Moisty'; pejorative term for the female gentalia.
So on yet another day Dave said "Ok, if some fit bird went under a train and you could get there before the ERU or emergency services what would you do?"
A normal person might think that he was angling to get someone to say he would shag her corpse.
Unpleasant, but far too obvious by Dave's standards.
He said "What you could do, is get a knife, cut out her moisty, put it in a box and take it home and fuck it. You could put it in the freezer and keep defrosting it in the microwave when you needed it."
When he finally left our work for a job as a layabout we were all very happy.
Although reading a story a bit further back, I think he might be a plumber now, I recognise his handiwork...
(, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 20:10, Reply)
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