Parental guidance
Most of my mental trauma and subsequent daddy issues can probably be attributed to my father's sex advice talks. The advice generally wasn't the best part of it, it was more the wandering ramblings that often degenerated into reminisces of his sex life "back in the day." The three events that are seared into my memory are as follows:

1. At 16 years and 160 pounds: "Don't worry that you haven't had a boyfriend yet, someone's going to appreciate you even though you're a bit large. After all, the chunky girls I dated in high school were some of my favorites."


2. After he figured out the difference between condoms and condiments:
Dad: "Never use condoms. It's like having sex with your jeans on."
Me: "Uh... okay."
Slaggy sister: "It's true!"
Me: *facepalm*
Dad: "Oh wait, I just remembered AIDs. I guess you should use condoms."
Me: "Uh huh. That's what I thought."
Dad: "Yeah, ALWAYS use condoms."

A few weeks later he came home and told me he had something for me. I got excited that it was an actual present, but it was just a cheap condom he'd gotten out of a machine in a gas station restroom. Dad, obviously pleased with himself, exclaimed "it's called bareback, y'know, like Brokeback Mountain."

I didn't have the heart to explain it to him.


3. Because I was a late bloomer, my dad insisted on telling me every few months that there was probably a man who could love me somewhere out there, because love is blind and all that trite hogwash. One time this somehow led to him telling me about the year before he met my mother. To the best of my memory: "I was dating two other women when I met your mother. That was back in '85, and AIDs was really happening back then. It's lucky I didn't catch it, because I really slept around in the year before I met her. Hell, I must have slept with at least thirty women that year, and that was back when only sailors used condoms."

Thanks, dad.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 22 May 2010, 6:55, 1 reply)

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( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 23 May 2010, 21:28, closed)