To be read with the theme to ‘Love Story’ playing in the background…

I have always been staggeringly unable to ‘chat up’…it’s just not for me. As a result I always hated the so-called ‘thrill of the chase’ bollocks.

A perpetual nightmare of my youth was going bright red, getting incredibly nervous and going all ‘Stammerry McSpackalot’ over some poor unsuspecting ladygirl.

This usually proceeds trying overly hard to impress – resulting in my making an even bigger tomato-faced twat of myself.

It doesn’t help having zero self confidence. It’s a bit difficult to think anybody can find you charming or attractive when you don’t think you are yourself…

But still…you lot with your ‘bed-hopping’ antics can keep it as far as I’m concerned. All I ever wanted was someone lovely to spend as much time as possible with (By ‘time’ I mean quality time and sexytime of course…I mean I'm not a TOTAL nutjob).

When we met, the only way the present Mrs Pooflake would allow me in the same room as her was if I viciously attacked her* with various knifes, swords and big sticks; and let her subsequently hoof my useless, dumbstruck flabby arse up and down a big spongey mat…twice a week. But I kept going, because I had fallen in love with her from the first minute I saw her.

My so called ‘charming repartee’ went something along the lines of…

“Hello…..erm…” *THWACK!* “UUuumph…You look very prett…"...*TWOLLOCK*...“Ooyah cunt…I was wondering if you…”…*WHUMP*…”Jeeeesus…fuck…whimper….perhaps sometime I could buy you a... " ... *SPLANG*… ”ooooooyah… Is that your sister?..What’s she doing with tha….?*WHACKETY WHACK*…”Oh for fucks’ sak… *CRACKASPLOCK*…”will somebody please call an ambulance…?"

Afterwards, nearly every time, she would be kind enough to snap my neck back into place, tend to the bleeding and let me buy her a pint.

The rest…as they say…is chemistry, with a bit of biology and some amateur dramatics thrown in for jollies.

So all in all, I reckon you can shove yer Mills & Boon up Barbara Cartland’s dead, pink stinkhole…that’s REAL romance for you.

Length?...married nine years. The secret?... DO NOT fuck with a woman who can snap you like a twig.


and just be nice to each other.



*and Captain Placid…trying to upend that fucker is like shifting the Rock of Gibraltar using a broken toothpick
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 10:27, 4 replies)

Your wife is a ninja?
cool
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 10:29, closed)

I think I'm going to cry *sniff*
Having met you I'm pretty sure it was your enormous..................capacity for making people laugh themselves silly that made her fall for you.
( girlinthehole, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 10:41, closed)

Enormity had nothing to do with it...
I'm sure "Bernard" had a part to play...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 29 Aug 2008, 10:58, closed)

@PJM...

Actually, it kinda did...

When I played it to her, she said 'I can't believe anybody would fall for that utter pile of shite'...

and I knew she was the one.

:)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 11:12, closed)