I am stunning . . . .
.....ly useless with the opposite sex, shy beyond words, being a chicken shit we meet up, get on but I either don't read the signs or don't do the alpha male thing, so have a legion if female friends, a fair few of them I still fancy (Christ alive, im 33 for gods sake, how embarrassing) and the last 10 years have been a shambling disaster of semi-stalking someone I was working and living with, taking someone out for a meal and ending up at the same restaurant as my parents!!! dumped by text by someone who liked me but couldn't be arsed with the whole relationship thing, leaving someone who's ex wasn't so much an ex as currently living at her majesties pleasure and so on and so forth.

However, this isn't about them, this is a story about 2 things. Why I am still single and why I fucking hate my sister.

A fair few years ago one saturday I was feeling rather fluffy after a night out in Cambridge and was round my folks having a nice cup of tea. My sister waddled up to me and said "Halfy! Halfy! I was in Walden last night and this nice young woman came up to me and asked if I was your sister, to which I (my sis) replied yes I am"

Cool thought I

So once my sister had replied this woman said "I really like him, and have had a thing for him for ages" "I shall tell him so" answered my sis.

Winner thinks I

Me - "so whats this womans name please?"
sis - "Errrr can't remember"
M - "oh, ok, so what does she look like?"
S - "Err can't remember, but she was nice!"
M - "So did you get a number, an address, where were you drinking when you met her?"
S - "Err no, no and can't remember"
M - "did you give her my details at all?"
S - "Err no"
M - "Wonderful, so someone, somewhere,of indeterminate age, who looks like something fancies me but you haven't got a fucking clue who she is,what she looks like or anything whatsoever to distinguish herself by and now neither do I!??!"
S - "Pretty much, she did have only one hand though"
M - " "

Fantastic, fucking fantastic, so by all accounts there was a really nice girl out there (according to my lardy inept sister) but I know nothing about her, where she lived, worked, drank, looked like or anything, apart from she only has one hand.

Perfect.

So ladies and gentlemen of B3taworld, I put out this plea, maybe 6-10 years later. Do you live within a, ooh lets say 30-40 mile radius of Saffron Walden (we don't tend to get out travel much its a bit yokelly)?

Do you, or any of your aquaintances know of a possibly rather nice woman, between the age of maybe 25-40 who has only one hand?

Is she single?

If so, please approach her, and explain as non scarily as possible that a gentleman she fancied many moons ago, who goes by a name remarkably similar to a fat scouse comic who sung about doctor martins boots, would like to apologise for getting the worlds worst message from my fucking sister, and dinner is on me if you are still interested.

Thankyou.

Halfy
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 13:21, 3 replies)

If she's only got one hand
she's likely to be twice as good with it...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 13:23, closed)

Are you...
Richard Kimble?
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 13:38, closed)

who?
googles.

grrrrr.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 13:40, closed)