Horrendously cruel.
Sitting reading the Beano last week at work I was engrossed in the adventures of Minnie the Minx (she was being particularly minx-like this week, suggestively sucking a lolly pop in front of Walter the Softy and then later on, stroking an invisible line from her inner thigh right up to her Minnie the Minge - all in front of Dennis' Dad and Dennis' Mum. - It would have made Desperate Dan all the more desperate if he wasnt a character from rival comic The Dandy and therefore, a completely pointless reference.....)

Anyway, whilst reading this utter fucking filth and becoming more and more annoyed and aroused by it (who will blame ME if these confusing sexual feelings lead me to committing a rape? - nobody thats who!) I noticed that one of my colleagues was looking quite perturbed indeed.

"Steve!" I shouted. "Explain the cause of your anxiousness at once".
Steve bit his lip and shook his head. I took this to mean "no".

So I thought 'fuck him' and moved on to a story called 'Billy Whiz' which seemed to be about nothing more than a kid who was a bit quick?
There was nothing to it? He ran somewhere dead quickly, did something (in this instance, he stole a pie that was cooling on a woman's kitchen windowsill) and than ran off again equally quickly.

What??? The arousal had disappeared (mostly) but the annoyance had been magnified. I started composing my letter to the Beano immediately. The key points I was hitting were -

(1) The frequency in which their stories had people leaving pies to cool on kitchen windowsills - nobody does this and yet I'm supposed to believe that not only Billy Whiz is taking advantage of such an anachronism (is that the right word? I hope so. I like words. Foliage) this week but 2 weeks ago Gnasher pulled the exact same stunt?? Alright he wasnt as quick in his getaway as this Billy kid, but nevertheless he stole a frigging pie off a windowsill. And he bit a postman on the way home. Madness.

(2) Why is Billy Whiz so quick? Where's the back story? At least in Spiderman they fed us some shit about a spider bite. "Oh he's just really fast and that".... erm.. no.... if he's like.. the fastest human on the planet, which he appears to be, why isnt he winning Olympic gold medals? Cos he'd rather be stealing pies? Is that why? Fuck off Beano.

(3) Please dont give me the old 'well it IS aimed at children, primarily between the ages of 6-13 and, as a man in his late twenties you probably shouldnt be reading it in the first place and should be able to understand the need for suspending disbelief in what is a harmless comic book' line.
I'm fully aware of my own psychological and personal issues thank you and am choosing to ignore all logic.

After I'd written my letter and posted it (to myself for some reason. Like I said - psychological issues) I noticed that Steve was now crying.

"Look Steve, why dont you just tell me whats wrong?" I implored.
"Ok" he sniffed.... "I just got off the phone to my sister, she's been diagnosed with leukemia"

Well... I just absolutely PISSED myself!
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 10:33, 1 reply)

You should ramraid the offices of The Beano
in a HONDA ACCORD.

*click*
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 24 Jul 2010, 10:37, closed)