Disenchantment and nudity, Part 1
Part 1 – Disenchantment (If you want the nudity, skip to my second post).

I was an early morning gymer. Six thirty…excuse me; six fucking thirty in the morning and I’d be there, knowing that if I didn’t go then, I’d never go. Christ I hate morning people; the receptionists especially who were either as miserable as I was, or annoyingly chirpy. Let’s face it, it was fucking dark out and I was about to exercise, nobody could do a thing right.

Actually it wasn’t that bad. By swimming I could effectively avoid exercise as the pool was so small I could simply float and be washed from end to end by the turbulence from the fit types. It was when I moved into the gym that things started to go wrong or, to be more precise, when I shared the gym with the spinning class.

Now I thought that the spinning class sounded like a hoot, imagining it involving hula hoops or something charming. No. What it actually is is the only exercise more bloody pointless than a bloody ‘exercise bike’, it’s a lot of people riding exercise bikes at a speed that, if applied in the real world, would propel them along like one of those light cycles from Tron.

So you have a semi-circle of exercise bikes, all facing the leader’s bike, who faces them. Fair enough. The crap drum and bass piped through the gym is then turned off. Fair enough, I’m listening to my iPod anyway. Then the spinning class music starts at festival volume, only to be exceeded by the motivational screamings of the instructoress who, in an effort not to destroy her vocal chords, is using a headset microphone and so amplifying her voice to a level that I actually consider to be weapons grade decibels.

I’ve got my iPod tured up so high to try and drown it out that I’m fairly certain that blood is going to start coming out of my ears at any second, but even Kylie can’t compete with some crazed bitch screaming ‘COME ON!’ to her acolytes.

That was it for me. A bike should have a basket, a charming bell and a girl riding it with her skirt tucked into her knickers, it should not be bolted to the floor and be facing the terminator lycrabitch 9000 model. Cancelled me membership and set course for free exercise…and unexpected pron!
(Macnabbs may contain traces of exaggeration on, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 22:06, Reply)