Many years ago in the Red Rose Tavern
There were six acts on the Bill, mostly obscure but the final one was Al ‘Pub Landlord’ Murray. There was also a compere and a drunk Scotsman who heckled loudly and obnoxiously throughout the entire intro and first act. Mercifully, he fell into a stupor at some point in the second act so that when the compere (who had had the worst of the abuse) came back on stage to introduce the third act there was a perfect opportunity for revenge.

The compere told the third act to get off and instead brought Al Murray on stage. He then told the crowd that on the count of three the house lights would go up, everyone would cheer and he would say “You’ve been a fantastic audience, that was Al Murray, thank you and good night”. Thus giving the drunk bastard the impression that he had slept through the entire gig. Anyway, it worked like a charm. The lights went up, everyone went crazy and the heckler woke up, grabbed his coat and staggered off into the night. I like to think he got all the way home before wondering why the gig had finished so early.

Later on in the same evening, Al Murray was himself heckled by a daft American bint who seemed to think he really was the pub landlord and couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing at his xenophobic remarks. Lacking all self-awareness and clearly thinking everyone wanted to hear her as much as him, she kept on interrupting until he came back with:

“Listen, love, the difference between you and me is that I know what I’m going to say next”

In the silence that followed, the truth of this remark was made abundantly clear.
( MacCruiskeen, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 14:00, 2 replies)

Awesome.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 14:28, closed)

Nice!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:15, closed)