I probably shouldn't tell you this, but.....
I'm a good boy. Rarely do I stray to the other side of the force. I'm the one who fends off drunk ladies to spare their blushes in the morning. I'm the idiot who hands in found wallets to the police, who defends drunken mates when they probably deserve a kicking. I'm the one none of my mates mind being alone with their girlfriends. Despite the minor infatuation I mentioned earlier, I managed 11 years of unflinching monogamy. In short, I am quite a moral person, and proud of it.

God knows, when I slip, I slip big time.

I know I've mentioned before about how I was married and ended up a mess when it all fell through. I'm also pretty sure I mentioned that the ex went a bit loopy, claiming I'd been all kinds of abusive, Joseph Fritzl had nothing on me according to her at that time, while I was left dazed, confused as to why she was doing this, and eventually raging with anger. With time, I grew to understand why she'd done what she did, but I never spoke to her again. Until recently.

I watched her move on. She remarried the guy she left me for. They had a child. I tried to put it out of my mind and make my own life and I was managing too. Then I met her in a pub.

I tried ignoring her, but she persisted trying to speak to me until a combination of drink and anger overwhelmed common sense. I had it out with her about what she'd said and she denied everything, but for some reason hearing it from her lips, in front of my friends and hers, that I hadn't hit her or done any of the things I KNEW she'd said, made it all seem better. We got talking after that and, despite worried glances from my friends, we ended up at a party, where she set about trying to get me alone.

You can see where it's going.

I tried. I really, really did. When she asked to kiss me I said no. When she tried to kiss me I turned my head. When she tried to drag me into the bathroom I pulled my hand away. I tried to stay in company but she asked everyone to leave us alone. I tried everything until those blue eyes that I'd loved for half my life finally broke down my defences.

I walked her home later, back to him. She turned up at my door a few months later but I wasn't in, so she searched til she found me. My defences went down a lot quicker the second time. The "L" word was used. We talked. A lot. Really talked, like we never had when we were married, about why we'd split, how we felt. I walked her back to him again. She told me she'd always love me and despite myself, I said it too. Idiot, I know.

Nothings happened since. Hopefully, nothing's going to. Why am I going to hell? I'm going to hell because despite everything she did, despite all the pain and the trouble it would cause if people knew, I'm not sorry it happened. And I know that if she turned up again tomorrow, I wouldn't even put up a fight.

Once again b3ta has been good enough to let me spew a deeply held secret onto it's comfortingly anonymous pages, and I feel better for it. I would apologise for length but for me, this one's quite modest, must be the cold weather.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 2:30, 8 replies)

FFS
I want the 3 minutes of my life back that it took me to read that drivel.
( P3L3 is not my real name., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 3:17, closed)

You're nice.
I like you. Cunt. *ignore*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 3:19, closed)

Ignore them.
That's a horrible situation to be in, I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, I was in a bad situation with someone jerking me around a while ago only to find out they didn't even like my gender a few years later...but I am in a perfectly healthy relationship of 3 years now. I hope you work out whatever you need to.
(ishes are fun, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 5:52, closed)

pffft :)
just a tad bit harsh lol :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 9:27, closed)

ouch, you need to get laid pronto
just to take your mind off her; she's having the best of both and you're mentally killing yourself about it.

Easy to say, but wipe the slate clean and move on m8.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 9:26, closed)

agree
always well-told your yarns, lad.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:31, closed)

Cheers :D
Yep it's a bugger of a situation, completely out of character for me.

New years resolution, no more naughties :P
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:48, closed)

run.
run. run away. run away now.

She's just checking to see if you're still as fucking stupid as you were then.

But, then again, if you've got no attachments to anyone else and you're mentally prepared for the same shit to happen again, then at least you'll get a shag out of it.
(inflateable, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 22:07, closed)