Dad would have been proud.
Finally, a QOTW so perfect for me that it has snapped me out of my habitual procrastination and forced me to register to share my story.

2008 has been a shit of a year. I lost my Grandmother at the end of March and then my dear (not so) old Dad in June, meaning my poor Mother became an orphan and a widow in the space of three months. A messy business all round.

The task of organising Dad’s funeral rolled around, made easier by the fact we had got a bit of match practice in a few months earlier, and I decided I wanted to write a eulogy for him.

As an aside, Co-op Funeral Services (other funeral directors are available) do not feel it is appropriate to offer a loyalty card system for funerals.

The funeral, at Dad’s request, was to be a happy occasion, with bright clothes, rock and roll music and a big party afterwards.

The day came; we arrive at the crematorium in the cars, piped in by a lone bagpiper. There are literally hundreds of people stood waiting. I’m cacking it. I’m not the best public speaker, and the thought of standing up in front of a capacity crowd, combined with the emotion of the day was not one I relished.

So, yer man in the dress does the God bothering bit and then it’s my turn to speak.

I take a deep breath and begin to address the masses:

"This is the part of the service called the Eulogy; it comes from an ancient Greek word, (Dad always insisted we look up a word if we didn’t know what it meant) it means to give a speech praising someone. Eulogies can also be used to praise those that are still alive, and I would like to think that today is more about keeping alive the happy memories we all have of Dad, rather than focusing on the sadness of his passing."

It’s going well. Lots of people in the audience cooing and muttering things like, ‘Isn’t he brave’ etc.

… and then I got to this bit.

“I have Dad to thank for my dry, slightly dark, sense of humour. You could always rely on him to tell a most inappropriate story or joke.

Right now I am sure he would be telling the one about the boy who went into school one day and apologised to the teacher for not being there the previous day.

‘Sorry I wasn’t at School yesterday Miss, my Dad got burnt.’

The teacher says; ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it wasn’t serious’

He says; ’They don’t fuck about at the Crem’ Miss!’”

I should have just got onto the conveyor belt and ridden it down with him.
(Mr_Wendel, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 11:56, 6 replies)

i have no doubt
that your dad would have been proud :)

*click*
(threadkiller, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:02, closed)

'match practice a few months before'
I lolled...

lots!

Click!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:30, closed)

clicks for bravery
chin up
( zulu eh?, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:33, closed)

I hope
one day when my kids are in a similar situation after I'm gone that they'll be telling jokes like this as well.

Funerals are for the benefit of the people left behind, not for the person who's died. I'd much rather that they all have a laugh at my expense and tell off color jokes than sit around crying, really.

Good job. He would have been proud, I'm sure.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:54, closed)

Well done you
I did a eulogy at my ex mother in law's funeral, and was similarly bricking it.

The fact that we sent her off into the furnace to the strains of 'Return to Sender' still tickles me.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:57, closed)

Brilliant...
I agree that funerals should be about the good stuff and an accurate reflection on the person, and am certain you aren't going to hell for that.

I would, however, damn you for getting Arrested Development stuck in my head.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:16, closed)