I've talked about him before
but nothing I've ever encountered in my life will ever surprise me again after living with Keith (name changed to protect the guilty). We shared a flat in Leicester. It was only two bedrooms, so part of my room was the living room. As such, I acquired two enormous plastic bins and made sure the place was well-furnished with ashtrays. Keith, however, preferred to use his own ashtray - the candlestick, so I'd come home to find every candle-holder jammed full of cig butts, and an empty space amongst the rubbish on the sofa where his arse had been. At a friend's house once, he wanted a cigarette, so he filled his pyrofoam kebab container with orangeade (to the brim!), used that as an ashtray, and then left them to clear away the mess.

He borrowed my favourite pint glass and left it on top of his television set. Every morning when he got up, he would cough his phelgm into it. He referred to it as his own personal lava lamp. He would regularly piss into bottles and leave them in the hallway for me to move. Not plastic bottles, no, glass beer bottles. Without lids.

But the part that took the biscuit, the bit that meant that I would never live with Keith again was that I would often go into the bathroom to find a little pile of poo on the back of the seat. Keith apparently couldn't use a toilet properly (his excuse was that he liked to "sit back" on the seat and lean forward) and so as the shit squirted out of his arsehole, some would collect on the back of the seat. Which he would leave, without fail, for me to clean up.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:43, 6 replies)

No offence,
but i'm not sure who was the bigger twat.

Him, for the above crimes.

Or you for putting up with it/cleaning his bodily ejections.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:56, closed)

Tell me you killed him
I would've - first time he left a pissy bottle out I'd have rammed it down his throat.
( snee held his breath since, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:09, closed)

Yes
what the fuck were you running around after this idiot for? Did you fancy him or something?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:35, closed)

Up until this point we were best mates
and in a band together...afterward...I've not seen him in years
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 11:16, closed)

Why did you clean up any of his mess, even ONCE?!

Next time, don't you DARE wipe up another man's shit unless you're getting paid a lot of money to do it, doing it for a frail/disabled relative, or you're tidying up after a particularly kinky activity!
(Musuko, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 16:40, closed)