Hypocrisy? or just plain idiocy....

In my late teens, I had one of those mates that everybody encounters at least once during their life...One of those ‘laddish’ types who was not exactly the brightest, but would insist on calling anybody who ever displayed an example of behaviour that was not choc-full-to-the-brim with bulging masculinity a ‘Queer’, or some other derogatory, lover-of teh-cock comparative.

The bloke in my case was called Gaz.

Examples:

Gaz: “Wanna nuvver beer?”
Me: “No thanks, I’ve got to get home”
Gaz: “QUEER!”
Me: “Hmm”

And…

Gaz: “Did you watch the match last night?”
Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was out with my girlfriend”
Gaz: “YOU FUCKING BENDER!”
Me: “Wha? Oh, forget it.”

And so on and so nauseatingly on…

Despite Gaz’s throbbingly overcompensating lifestyle he managed to pull an excrutiatingly stunning girlfriend called Sophie. I always had a hard soft spot for her, she was gorgeous, intelligent and fun, if a little timid. Gaz, however ruled over her like a caveman dragging a carcass into a cave.

On one particular occasion my then g/f and I were out with Gaz and Sophie. We were walking back home from the chip shop after the pub and were talking about something or other when I made the disastrous mistake of commenting in a slightly sensitive manner on the topic of conversation.

“You’re so GAY!!!” Gaz gleefully exclaimed in a brutal attempt to raise awareness of my obvious apparent homosexuality and the heinous crime to humanity that it clearly was to him.

(This was also despite the rather overwhelming evidence of a girlfriend by my side, and a previous history of girlfriends).

Gaz was undeterred. “POOFTER!” He yelped, pointing at me like a one-man hate crime.

“Oh, fuck off, you’re a homophobic” I retorted.

Quick as a flash, Gaz then replied: “No way am I homophobic…I LOVE giving it up the arse!”

My jaw dropped and I gasped with in wide-eyed astonishment. Then, still struggling to comprehend his logic I glanced over to poor Sophie, who simply nodded her head glumly and whispered: “he does…” as her cheeks began to glow darkest crimson.

Still shocked by his answer, I could then only ridiculously reply: “erm……well…..that doesn’t prove anything…that just makes you a hypocrite.”

“Ah-HA!...No it doesn’t!” replied Gaz instantly, giving a confident, beaming grin before continuing: “Because I also like Sophie to shove stuff UP my arse too! (here he turns to Sophie) Don't I, darlin'?”

At this point lovely Sophie could stand no more and she quietly elbowed him in the ribs whilst whispering to him: “pleeeease shut the fuck up...”

As for me, I just couldn't bring myself to eat my battered sausage after that. But on the plus side, Sophie's admission did make a big impact with helping my then girlfriend dabble towards venturing into the dark arts of chutney cupboard exploration…

So in a roundabout way, I’ve got Gaz to thank for that ;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:00, 2 replies)

Genius.
Click.
(anvil, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 23:38, closed)

Kudos sir.
That was a well-earnt click. My guffaws are your applause.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 8:54, closed)