The phrase "I'm not being funny, but..."
Aaargh that does my fucking crust in.

It doesn't help that the upper echelons in the company I work for seem contractually obliged to say it every five minutes, compelling me to stove thier smug yuppie kites in with a chair.

Haven't yet though, so I'm writing this from my work desk instead of a prison library. And no, I'm not a hypocrite, just possessed of enough self-control not to commit murder, however satisfying the prospect may be.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 10:35, 11 replies)

How Anne Frank *Should* Have Told Her Story

I was heading in to work when I was accosted by a Big Issue seller outside the Tube station.

"Step by step guide to surviving the credit crunch!" he meeped, thrusting his last copy of The Big Issue at me.

My brain went TILT! The dichotomy of a bloke who'd managed to fuck his life up so badly that he was now clawing his way back into society by selling the Big Issue offering me advice on financial matters just blew a few circuits in my mind and I smiled inside.

Then I thought:

"Fuck it. Whatever advice he's offering can't be as bad as the advice the banks gave us that got us into this mess in the first place"

and I bought his last copy.

"There you go mate - you can go home now!"

Cheers

It's the way I tell 'em....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 9:53, 5 replies)

We have a new starter in our office
Who is, to put it politely, one of the most irritating people I have ever met. The man tries to be funny, but sadly fails. And he has the misfortune to look like Boris out of Goldeneye.

But, to the point. He is also very similar in mannerisms and sense of humour to me. Is it hypocritical to want to shut the man in a dark room with tape over his gob so he can't talk and annoy me?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 9:12, 4 replies)

help in the credit crunch times
as I casually strolled out of the tube station this morning (still admiring the arse of the blonde girl in front) I was almost accosted by a Big Issue salesman. Not a homeless person per se, more one of those chugger-types who dresses in charity shop knockoffs and looks homeless but is in fact claiming more in social handouts than I earn in a decade!

Anyway... this bloody state-handout financial parasite said "Step by step guide to surviving the credit crunch!"

AS IF I'M GONNA TAKE FINANCIAL ADVICE FROM SPONGERS FROM SOCIETY LIKE HIM!!!!

Here's a tip to surviving the credit crunch that we all know - live within your means, rather than spending constantly on stuff you can't afford! I'll donate to charity but I will NOT give money to spongers like that!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 9:05, 15 replies)

hypocrisy and God
In my opinion the biggest hypocrite ever is well, God the reason I think this is because in the bible (or what I know of it) god is always portrayed as some holy being who is the ultimate good and the devil is meant to be his opposite. this brings up a problem and that is that God is a tyrannical dictator who committed genocide to get rid of all of the undesirables, (sounds like Hitler doesn’t it?), however I have no resolution of the Devil committing genocide when people want to have a bit of free will and live their life the way they want.
(radial head fracture, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 7:51, 21 replies)

Team Building

I was once sent on a Team Building exercise. Paintballing! Ace!

The idea was to get us all working as a team and to resolve tensions. So we got there, got kitted out and given our paintguns.

As one, we turned around and shot the boss at point-blank range.

That was the first, and only, time we'd ever pulled together as a team.

Fucking hypocrite had us back on the bus and shipped us back home.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 3:13, 7 replies)

Back home
I used to coach junior football. I started at 14 helping out and whatever and took my badge at 16! My Mom and Dad were involved in a local kids club so I began coaching a team of my own. Hooray for nepotism!

This is not about the incredible level of hypocrisy I threw at the players I have coached over the years! ( Calm down and walk away! Ha yeah right )

I'd been with the team a year now and was 17 and growing as a coach along with the players as well players!

During one match one of the parents on the sideline from my team got particularly heated and the young referee told him to shut up!

After the match this parent went to the referee and said "I'm sorry I know I do get a bit excited during the game but there's no need to rip my head off!"

On the car park after everyone except me and my parents had gone home this referee arrives with his father.

"I'm reporting your club, you'll never play in this league again! One of your parents threatened to rip my lads head off, he's only 16! He's still a minor!"

My Mother being level headed and something of a beaurocrat replied

"I'll find out what's gone on, if that's the case then that parent will be banned from any games, but surely it's a little harsh to attempt to stop all of those children from playing?"

The man did not accept this, he began shouting at my Mother.

Which I took exception to. I told the man he should go home and calm down at which I received abuse. I told him he had a bad attitude.

He then told me he'd show me bad attitude and punched me square in the face.

Me. A 17 year old minor! Bearing in mind I've always looked young there was no way he could have confused me for being any older than 16!

Not only a hypocrite but a giant fanny with it because he ran away to his car the moment he realised he'd not hurt me ( I'm not hard, he just punched like a girl ) and there was now 6'3 of Dad storming toward him ( it probably had more to do with that in fairness )
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 2:24, Reply)

Police Warning
Simon was, by his own admission, a gobshite. He wasn't without conscience, but if he did or said something which amused himself enough to override any offence that he might have caused others, then it was fair game.

Which is why we weren't particularly surprised when he decided it would be a good idea, after a particularly heavy session, that he should relieve himself against a tree, right outside the bar that we had just left. Only the bar that we had just left was on a high street in central London. And the tree was less a tree, in fact, it was a sapling. At best. Planted in the middle of the pavement.

Inevitably, a police car pulled up in traffic right next to him mid-flow. Beer overrode common sense, and instead of trying in any way to disguise what was happening, he started waving at the policemen. The policemen didn't wave back.

A brief chase ensued. I probably don't need to paint a picture of what a fully-grown man, attempting to sprint, with his trousers and pants pulled down to his thighs looks like. The fact that he was still pissing, and pissing himself laughing, will stay with me for a while, though.

When the rest of us had caught up with the chase, we found the two officers giving him a severe bollocking as he pulled up his kecks. The younger of the two officers took it upon himself to lecture the rest of the group.

"Your mate, right? Your mate is a fucking gobshite. He's lucky we're not going to take him in - mainly because he's covered in piss. Now go home, you fucking idiots."

The officers let Simon go. The other officer reasserted that we should go straight home, and started heading back to their car. At which point Jeff, ever level-headed in these situations, replied, "Yep, see you later, you wankers."

I closed my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose, and wished I wasn't there. It was the first time in months that I had been out with these guys, and I couldn't believe how stupid they'd become.

The senior officer stormed straight back, and issued Jeff with a public order caution for abusive language. We all thought he was going straight in the back of the squad car. Instead, Jeff calmly asked, "You're covered by the same laws as I am, aren't you? I mean, you're not allowed to do anything I can't, can you?"

"Well, no..." came the confused reply.

"In that case," Jeff swung round and pointed straight at the other officer, "I'm officially cautioning you for a public order violation for calling my friend a gobshite, and me a fucking idiot. If you do it again, I'll citizen's arrest you."

The senior officer's jaw dropped. "Did you say that?!" he grimaced.

"Um, yeah," said junior cop.

They then left without saying another word.


(I do not go to the pub with these people any more.)
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 1:54, 5 replies)

Question of the week suggestions
"Each week we ask a question. The idea is to generate material that's:

* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* not been asked on this site before
* fun to answer

What would you like to ask? (We've left this question open - so feel free to drop in ideas anytime.)"


I've read all the qotws at least twice, and I genuniely think this is the worst. one. ever.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 1:19, 3 replies)

The Daily Mail
Truly the home of hypocrisy is the Dail Mail.

On todays front page header "Why are women today so angry?"

Turn to the section mentioned and the headline is "Know your frenemy- Is your best friend really an emeny in disguise? Amanda Platell reveals how to spot the danger signs- before that scheming bosom buddy stabbs you in the back"

scans here www.angrymob.uponnothing.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=43&Itemid=1

Also see "MMR is evil and will poison your kids" followed by "OMG measles is on the increase because irresponsible parents arent immunising their kids"

and Richard Littlejohn complaining about "bloody immigrants" when he lives (and scrawls from)America most of the year.

etc etc etc
(purple_gromit, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 0:43, 6 replies)

Science and Magic
I'm a sciencey type. Fizzics specifically. I had no choice really, my brain is just wired to be rational, methodical, to employ control groups and to assume a spherical cow in a vacuum at STP.

I'll laugh at anyone, to their face, who reads horoscopes, sees ghosts, says they can feel the emotions of their sibling, has a lucky mascot, has a system for gambling, throws salt over a shoulder, will not open an umbrella indoors et cetera.

Yet, I know, not just know, but _believe_ deep in my heart,that some individuals are "lucky", cats can see things we can't and are good judges of character, some people can affect (break) electronic devices just by being present, in Sod's law, and if I attach my St Christopher key ring to car keys there will be an accident.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 23:55, 4 replies)

My Grandmother,
Is quite a sweet old lady, she spends her time with her grandchildren, enjoys working on little arts and crafts type projects.

And is also an outrageously devout Catholic.

I occasionly come round my grandmothers place to do general repairs and other such activities around her house.

One Sunday, as I have completed the lastest round of repairs she has requested of me, she asks me the following question:

"Why Bailey, why is it that you don't attend Mass on a weekly basis?"

Well, the logical answer to this would be:

"Why Dearest Grandmother of mine, I shall begin attending immediately and with a very ravenous and fervent appetite for the Gospel"

But nay, I say the following:

"Because it's bores me, literally, to shit."

Needless to say, the full fury of this tiny old woman was leveled upon me and I left the property as fast as I could.

Following this, I did not hear from my grandmother for the next week, so I figure, I shall show up for Mass and attempt to reconcile with my dearest Grandma.

I enter the church and look for my grandmother, she is seated towards the back of the church amid a full row of her church friends. I sit about 4 rows behind her as the service begins.

After the gospel, I have so far made it through the service unvisited by the sweet embrace of sleep.

I look forward to my grandmother as the priest begins his sermon.

She is stone cold, fucking out.

And she remained that way the remainder of the service.

Turns out she died.


The bitch, Church bored her more than it did me.
(BaileyIs A Drunk, Alcoholics go to meetings, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 23:54, 3 replies)

QUICK QUICK QUICK ! ! ! !
..

Henry's on the first page . . . . !

www.bbc.co.uk/

...
(The Cats Twat, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 23:16, 2 replies)

Jade "Haters"
Oh, i've seen a lot of this lately and it's driving me more than a little crazy.

I understand that there are two factions in the Jadecancer camp. One that thinks she's still the same old pig just bald now, and one that thinks the cancer gives her dignity and she should be respected.

This rant is to the former, not the latter. Those who still claim that she is no better than she was on whatever Big Brother she spawned from.

Yes, to those people who say "Oh, I hate her she's not done anything and the cancer doesn't change anything", to those who say "My mum/dad/brother/sister/left leg/alien friend Alf had cancer and that doesn't make THEM a sain does it" I just want to say can be please stop being so fucking hypocritical in your views.

If you stay that you have no interest in this story, if you say that it is not worth watching this poor women die (I don't like her but feel empathy for anyone dying of a horrible/uncurable disease) a slow and lingering death, then

WHY DO YOU INSIST ON READING EVERYTHING ABOUT THE DAMN WOMEN TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT HER PERSONAL LIFE THAN SOME PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO THINK SHE'S THE NEW SECOND COMING.

Seriously, stop being so damn hypocritical and stick your nose out of her business. If you don't approve, FINE, then stop butting your nose in those who do give a damn.

Put up or shut up sweety darling, just stop playing a double standard.
(Helo, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 22:36, 14 replies)

jeez, I haven't been clubbing for an age
but I love that feeling when I'm standing in a corner, towards the end of the night, nicely fucked - I've reached up and touched the sky, and I'm almost on my way down to touch my toes - bopping my head slowly, still slightly appreciative of the music, cigarette in my hand, looking at the fuckwits on the dance floor flailing their limbs wildly. Goddamn, I am COOL.

Reality - I'm the fucked fuckwit everyone's giving a wi-i-i-de berth who's lost control of his neck muscles and is Mr Squinty McSquinteson, lighting the middle of his cigarette cos he can't see the end.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 21:59, 2 replies)

Reading through the Personal ads makes me feel better.
For instance:

======================================

Wanted
Reply to: [email protected]
Date: 2009-02-22, 8:51AM

I am a white male of 47 to be 48 in April. I am married to a woman and have been for 28 years. The whole time she never washed our childrens cloths, never liked to cook, refuses to clean the house, never took care of her car, and yes, it was brand new, no used ones for my woman. She has on numerous occasions been caught with other men. Hell, she even gave birth to 2 bi racial boys, what more proof do I need than that? She always seemed to come home with 20 or 30 dollars claiming someone dropped it in a store. Yeh right. Do you know what the odds are to have that happen once in Wal Mart let alone on a daily basis? You think it is because I gave her no money? Wrong. She swipes my bank card at the rate of 400.00 a month and never gives me the receipts, so I am always behind on my check book. I asked her for a divorce and she wont do it. Hell, I even told her I wont fight nothing, she can have the house along with the 14 acres with it. I just want out. I had been dating another woman for two years, but she played too many games. I dropped her. I am just looking for someone to share what little time I have left with. Not that I have any disease, hell no. Its just that the average blue collar man only lives to about 60, so that gives ma about 12 years left according to statistics. I cant take it any more. I just want a woman who appreciates her man and knows how to treat him and is not afraid to stand up for him. Be there for him. Support him emotionally. Quit spending what he dont have. I love to go places and show off my woman, like movies, parks, fishing perhaps, or just strolling hand in hand down the road so people can see this woman belongs to me and I belong to her. I smoke and drink, but the drinking is only about 3 beers a week. I cant stand an alcoholic. If you are interested contact me. I cant take sleeping by myself much longer. Its like being in a coffin, cold, lonely and dark.

* Location: Farmville, VA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

============================================

This reads like a textbook example from an Abnormal Psych class. One of the most disturbing things I've read in a long time, for certain.

===========================================

SBF(sexy too) seekin SWM (19-24) Most not be ugly - 20 (Colonial Heghts)
Reply to: [email protected]
Date: 2009-02-23, 11:45PM EST

Hey Fellas! I am a Cute LOVABLE blk Slim female Looking for a Cute LOVABLE white male near me( I want to be able to atleast be seen with you in public LMAO sorry Ima bitch)...PLEASE REPLY WITH PIC AND IT BETTER NOT BE FAKE..I have pics of me also I will be happy to send when I see one of you first :)....I am deff not ugly I juss have trouble fininding guys that want me for ME...When guys look at me they think because Im pretty Ill give it up AND THAT IS NO THE CASE lol... NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF 24...I would perfer a someone that likes AE,PAC SUN Hollister....And I have a thing for tall guys BUT if your not tall thats okay cause im only 5'0 lol and I weigh like 106 lbs..Hit Me Up if you think youll meet my expectations...ABSOLUTLEY NO ONE FAT OR MARRIED...OR THAT HAS A GIRLFRIEND....


* Location: Colonial Heghts
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

============================================

Good god, where to even start with this one?!? *brain asplodes*

============================================

Single white female seeks Single blk male! (Henrico)
Reply to: [email protected]
Date: 2009-02-22, 2:13PM EST


I am seeking and SBM to hang out with and have some fun with. I have not really been in the dating scene in a while so I am looking at this through new eyes. I am a single mother and put that before anything else so please understand that from jump! I am not looking to be your wife, but am also not looking to be one on the list if that makes sense! I am good looking and take good care of myself and you must do the same. I am seeking someone who has a stable life and is more centered. I am not into going out all the time however drinks and all in fun when had at home. I am a huge football fan & enjoy dinners out. I am really looking for a friend as well! I am in my mid 20's and happy to say I am drama free!

Please send me some info on yourself and your pic gets mine!!!


* Location: Henrico
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

===========================================

Hmmmmm. Mid twenties: check. White girl specifically seeking a black male: check. Single mother in her mid-twenties: check.

Drama free? I don't think so, toots. In fact, looks like that's what you thrive on. Let me guess: you decry racism and hold yourself up as an example of How Things Should Be, as you specify the race of who you want to be with? Does the term "irony" mean anything to you?

=============================================

I read these things and feel better about myself- but then I look at my own track record and shudder. Who the hell am I kidding?...

Wanted: High-Maintenance, High Drama Woman

SWM, 46, mentally unbalanced and loaded with baggage, seeks female to drive him even farther into insanity than he has reached on his own. Must hate my friends, have at least three children under the age of ten, have an abusive father and unresolved issues. Bonus points for working as a hair dresser and expecting me to take you to the nicer restaurants in town at least once a week. No fewer than five phone calls a day expected while I'm at work, demanding to know where your keys are that you put somewhere last night or telling me how awful your children are being. Reasonable women need not apply...

Might as well join in, eh?

This is a joke. It is only a joke. Please do not take any of it seriously.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:20, 11 replies)

The Fun Police
I remember going to Coombe Abbey (essentially a fucking HUGE park) in Coventry with my mum and dad. It was a sunny day, my dad bought me an ice cream, I was happy as a pig in shit.

We walked past this big stately house they have there and I saw them.

- I very nearly pissed myself -

The biggest, baddest, meanest looking slides I've ever seen in my life. These things were MASSIVE. They made all the kids running round them look like ants at the alter of some mighty heathen god, a slide-shaped alter to the heathen god of fun.

"Dad," I said. "Can I have a go!?!"

"If you must, Spanky," replied my dad. I handed the old man my ice cream and I was off, batting the spawn of other watching parents out the way in my eagerness to have a go on the slides.

I'd had a few goes and was loving it, the feel of the sun on my face, the wind rushing through my hair as I pelted down the slide, running back up the steep steps to have another go.

Then, the hypocrite cunt butted in. He was a park keeper.

"YOU!!! GET OFF THAT SLIDE!!!"

I was at the top waiting for my turn, I looked round, wondering if he was pointing at one of the others waiting to have a go. But no, he was definately pointing at me.

I took the slide down - weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! - and the park keeper was waiting for me at the bottom.

"You're not allowed on there," he said.

"But... You're here to help the public enjoy their time at the park!" I stammered. "Why's everyone else allowed on and I'm not?"

We had to step to one side to continue our conversation as the place was thick with speeding, giggling children going mental in this palace of fun.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see my mum and dad approach, concerned.

"You're not allowed on there, son," repeated the park keeper.

"Why?" I asked.

He narrowed his eyes and responded with a question of his own.

"How old are you?" he said.

"Thirty-three," I replied.

Oh, my mum and dad were so proud.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:59, 11 replies)

Animal rights sorts
Those that break into research facilities and liberate the animals within, or free those to be used in the fur trade - like those who released thousands of mink into the wild years ago

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/148120.stm

These animals are bred in captivity, usually with all the instinctive aggression necessary for survival in the wild bred out of them, to make them easier to handle. As such they have no idea how to forage for food, territory, etc. This results in them either freezing or starving to death, attacking other animals in desperation, or being picked off by hungery mr barn owl within hours / days of being let loose.

Now, I don't care what your stance is on animal research / fur trade. Releasing captive bred animals into the wild is just plain cruel.
( no longer a user, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:27, 13 replies)

The senior manager in our office
He's a prick of the highest order. He makes Graham Norton look like Chuck Norris, and seems to go out of his way to rub people up the wrong way.

Take the office dress code. We used to be smart all of the time, then we introduced dress down Fridays, then eventually we went casual all the time.

This became a problem as some of the lazier elements in the office were coming into work in stuff that most folk wouldn't wear to decorate in.

Anyway, the casual dress code was moved up a notch to 'smart casual'. A memo was sent out stating what was and wasn't permitted.

On the banned list was 'combats'. Fair enough. However, our lord and master, not a fortnight later, appeared in what can only be described (or so I thought) as 'combats'. I took him to task on this.

"Oh Reverend" he simpered, "these are cargo pants, silly".

"Er, you what?" I enquired. "So what's the difference between cargo pants and combats?"

"Well Reverend, combats have rectangular pockets on the thighs. Cargo pants don't."

"Well I fucking never."

Guess what he wore into the office just a couple of weeks later? You guessed it.

"Er are those combats?"

"How do you mean Reverend?"

"Well the other week you explained to me the difference between combats and cargo pants, and they look like combats to me. Combats aren't allowed, according to the dress code that you introduced..."

"Oh do shut up Reverend", and off he minced.

Meanwhile, other people have been sent home for not sticking to the precise letter of the dress code. What a prick.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:18, 5 replies)

Kind of bindun, many times, but - The Daily Mail
The Jade Goody thing has been mentioned enough times in this QOTW, but let me just say - not only were they at the forefront of demonising her when that was the fashionable thing to do, and are now milking the 'brave' angle for all it's worth, they then go and publish this: www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1153665/Clever-dumb-Why-love-Jade-Goody-vilify-University-Challenge-brainbox-bright.html
as if *they* hadn't been among the ones 'loving' Jade Goody and 'vilifying' Gail Trimble.

And the MMR vaccine/autism scare - they were at the forefront of pushing that, publishing every bit of bullshit that lying cunt Wakefield spouted, and then they have the mind-boggling gall to publish this: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1149322/How-middle-class-MMR-refuseniks-putting-child-risk.html
(julius, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:06, 7 replies)

"Team building exercise"
As some of you know, I'm a salesman. I have been a salesman for about 22 years now. Sales was a strange career choice for me, I really am as my board sig says "Captain Placid" and I joined an innately competetive profession.

I'm also considered fairly good at it.

For 363 days of the year the MD actively encourages this competitive element, not only the economic necessity of beating our competition, but also competition between the members of the sales force.

At each sales meeting our sales figures and profit margins are displayed for all to see, with derisive hoots for bad figures and grudging applause for good figures. Everyone's beady eye is drawn to a "hidden" cell at the end of the profit column, the one marked "bonus".

We're paid a percentage of the gross margin increase vs last year, however the percentages are personally negotiated, so our colleagues have no idea of just how much each others' bonus equates to. This causes a lot of bar room discussion (on expenses naturally) with sly attempts to figure out the size of the bonus by asking "what you'll spend it on"?

So, in short, I work in a competetive environment in a competetive industry with competetive colleagues, managed by a man who actively encourages internal competition.


So why, by the fetid suppurating axe-wound of St Jade, do I have to attend a TWO-FUCKING-DAY "Team building exercise"!?


BTW, the MD has told me that under NO circumstances am I to discuss my bonus with my colleagues. I'll just have to parade my new hand-built guitar at the next meeting.




With the price tag still on it of course.



Competetive? Smug?




Moi?!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 14:57, 9 replies)

Male Nurse

I was humming 'Never Gonna Give You Up' whilst walking down the corridor of my local hospital on the way to a check-up for my broken leg. Hurrying in the opposite direction was a most aesthetically pleasing nurse, with arms full of surgical notes cradling her voluptuous breasts. Needless to say my cast was rendered obsolete at this point as I had created a splint of my own. My shameless staring must have put her off her stride, as on passing me she stumbled dropping her documents. Ever the gentlemen (Hoping the favour would be returned by said nurse during my next sponge bath), I decided to help her to pick up the notes detailing the surgery to be carried out and the name of the patient. Thus began a few minutes of splayed legs and flailing crutches in aid of my damsel, until a male nurse came gallantly to her rescue. Picking up at 10x my speed, and I noticed that my damsel was transfixed on this mans posterior every time he bent down. I was outraged, how could this woman fancy a nurse! A male nurse! Then I thought 'Oh wait maybe I am a ....' But was distracted by a famous name on the surgical notes in my hands it read: Hip Op: Rick Astley

Length? From the top of my thigh all the way down to the toes, rock hard, for 4 weeks!!!
(Fluffy_Giblets, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 14:11, 9 replies)

double standards

I bought a london evening paper the other day and the news agent accidentally gave me 2

Double evening standards!
(dolly gobshite, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 14:08, 8 replies)

Every single time
I get asked how much something cost from my Mam, I tell her and she disapproves of me spending that much money.

Last week she spent £80 on soaps from Lush, ignoring the 3 drawers of soap she already has in the bathroom.

Now I just lie, it's easier.
(Vikingheadache, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 13:47, 1 reply)

I can't stand intolerant people
and for something completely different.

Use this line of quesitoning/reasoning (if it can be considered that) next time you encounter a devout Christian:

What colour/race was Jesus?
Ask yourself:
What race/religion where his parents?
What is the general physical characteristics of the populace of that area?
What is the chance that a fair skinned, brown haired person was born from a dark skinned black haired populous?

Chatholic propagander still has alot to answer for.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 13:36, 10 replies)

A suitable advert for celibacy?
One skinny bloke and one skinny woman, sleeping in a single bed, them being students living in halls. Skinny woman sleeps like a windmill. Skinny bloke, all 6'something" and 8-and-a-half stone of him, lays on his side as close to the edge of the bed as he can manage without rocketing floorwards, getting absolutely no sleep in the process.

Would anyone like to guess which of our intrepid heroes gets moaned at the next morning for taking up the whole bed?

...sigh.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 13:23, 6 replies)

Oh I have a real one!
This really happened a couple of days ago. A group of us were having equality and diversity training, by a "diversity professional" that had been brought in to assist us in "valuing our people".

He asked us "do we all feel that this company shows equality and diversity? Do we? What do we all think".

Silence.

"Well I can see we have a couple of people from different nationalities in the room - what do you two think?" and gestured towards 2 people in the corner.

One was black, and one was Chinese. Both were born in Surrey.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:47, 4 replies)

My doctor
Regularly tells me I am little bit overweight, that I should drink less and do more exercise.

He is 5'8, 18 stone and always smells of cigarettes. He also drinks in my local and it is not uncommon to see him drink in excess of 6 or 7 pints in an evening. The most exercise he gets is the 100m waddle to his office from the car park every morning.

Hypocritical? He has to be, he took the oath and everything!
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:39, 3 replies)