Crack Commando Unit
Me and my best mate Colin were having a game of toy soldiers at his house as he had just bought a new army, consisting of bunkers tents and tanks, so he was keen to show it off to me. Now my army was a bit of a veteran team (think Dads Army) and had lost several casualties due to mum standing on some, the dog chewing a few and some buried in mass graves in the back garden, so my army was made up of half the original crew plus a few cowboys and Indians, a hans solo and a mr T.

After playing for a few minutes I was getting rather annoyed at Colins insistance that I kept missing his men and the fact that when I did kill a few he kept sending them off to the first aid tent for recovery and said they were fit to fight again. My breaking point was finally reached when my crack shot Squatting Bull threw a tomahawk at a group of 6 of Colins soldiers and he claimed he had missed….my Squatting Bull, well within Tomahawk throwing range, the very same man that almost single handily had wiped out Brians action force team only 2 weeks earlier, miss??? I was fuming.

I pulled the biggest booger out my conk, flicked it as hard as I could in the enemies direction and there it was…the first aid tent with a slimy snot dripping from the flagpole. “Hah, no more doctors now to patch up your wounded” I said, and with that Colin took action which went against all rules of the Geneva Convention. “Time for the big gun to come out” he said, dropped his draws and proceeded to urinate over my army. “Time to bring out the trebuchet” I said to myself. Now I say trebuchet in the loosest term, it was really a Lt Columbo right arm loaded with the TV remote, and with that I chucked it straight at Colins weapon of mass destruction.

He went down. I looked around at my pish soaken army. I looked back at Colin. He was lying face down, clutching his privates, pants still halfway down his legs with his backside stuck in the air. I thought to myself “Show no mercy on the enemy”. I turned to my Sergeant, Mr T, “Now is the time to finish off the Imperial forces, if we strike now whilst the enemy is vulnerable we can finish them off once and for all. I need a man who can go in and end this godforsaken war”. I took the biggest decision of my military career, one that with make or break me, and with that I promptly picked BA up, walked over to Colin and head first stuck Mr T into the Death Star.

A couple of days later I gave an even browner looking Mr T to my younger brother.

I’d apologise for length, but the gold chains prevented it going any further.
(Lt Columbo, Sat 15 Jul 2006, 15:17, Reply)