Tales of Juvenile Flatulence
I have always had a problem with my bowels, especially in my younger years. To put it bluntly, my farts were frequent and consistently foul-smelling, a stench not unlike compost, with a few old eggs and a bit of rotten meat thrown in for good measure. It repulsed me, but worse, it repulsed those around me. It got to the point where I was being shunned by my peers and berated by my family and I decided to take matters into my own hands. Without doing any background research (this was several years ago, before we had the internet in my house!) I figured that if I blocked the hole then I would at least temporarily solve the problem, and I could unblock at night to let all the built-up gas exit my body. Both my parents are borderline alcoholics so there were always a lot of empty wine bottles around, and where there are bottles, there are corks! To my pre-teen mind it seemed almost too good to be true - and as it turned out, it was.

The next morning, before school, I took one of the corks and proceeded to insert it into my anus. It was tight, so I lubed up with some vaseline, and to my relief, after a bit of painful pushing, in it slid! It was uncomfortable but not unbearably so, and I got dressed and headed off to school without incident.

When playtime came my friends and I were understandably hyperactive, having sat through a couple of hours of boring lessons, and we quickly initiated a game of tag, the primary school classic! By now the pressure in my colon was mounting but I thought nothing of it and participated as energetically as the rest of the kids. Suddenly though, disaster struck - I had just been tagged and as I was sprinting after my quarry, I felt something slip inside me, and what was perhaps one of the loudest and wettest farts I have ever produced erupted from my sphincter. It truly was a beast of epic proportions, the enormous pressure in my gut forcing out what must have been several liters of methane. All across the playground children stopped and stared as my rumbling dwindled to a soft drone before fading entirely. After a brief round of applause the sheepish grin on my face soon turned to horror as I realised that the cork was not in my underwear as I expected, and after a frantic search of my trouser legs, the sickening conclusion dawned - somehow, as I was running, the cork had actually lodged itself deep inside my rectum.

"No worries", I thought. "It's bound to come out next time I poop!". No such luck. The next few days are but a blur in my memory; I was utterly constipated and my colon was becoming very full, causing me immense abdominal pain. My parents noticed my apparent illness and took me to a doctor, who prescribed laxatives. These served no purpose but to increase the volume of gas I was expelling, without allowing me to pass any solids. I subsequently visited the doctor once more who this time sent me into hospital, where they performed surgery to remove the blockage and buildup. I was under general anaesthetic so I have no recollection, but apparently along with the decomposing cork the surgeons removed over two kilos of fecal matter from my digestive tract. I had fourteen stitches and was forced to use a colostomy bag for two months while the wound healed.

That was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I still have the scars, both mental and physical.


Since that point I have understandably had a phobia of inserting any foreign object into my anus. I have altered my diet which has assisted the flatulence situation somewhat, but my digestive expulsions are still far from satisfactory. If anybody has any news about a revolutionary product which may soothe my colonic expulsions, such as a drug to inhibit gas production in the gut, please, please inform me post haste! I envy those of you who have healthy bowels and can reap the benefits, but alas, until an alternative solution becomes publically available I must grudgingly bear my pungent burden.
(meagle, Sun 16 Jul 2006, 2:19, Reply)