Dennis and the Corner
About a year ago my employer held a sexual harassment seminar. It seems one of the mouth-breathing Sales idiots had made yet another attempt to put his hand on as much of one of the rather friendly reception staff as possible, and a complaint was promptly made. Enter the HR drones, and for some reason this incident meant that the rest of us were sent on some idiotic "Sensitivity Seminar", or something like that. To add insult to injury the Sales group didn't even have to attend: "Stop Groping Your Colleagues, You Awful Disgust" apparently being deemed to complex a notion for them, and they were sent on a different seminar, presumably a crash course in "Walking And Breathing At The Same Time."

Before I go on, I do want to say I abhor sexual harassment, and I agree with the notion that the perpetrators should be encouraged to mend their ways. But what I do not understand is why this means that you need to punish a whole host of totally innocent people, including the victims of said harassment, by forcing them to give up their Saturday morning to a full round of condescension and downright creepiness.

For it seems that your average HR mindless, in their haste to correct the matter in as bureaucratic a manner as possible, doesn't stop to consider the possibility that, just because someone runs a sexual harassment seminar, doesn't mean that they themselves aren't a horrendous sex pest.

And so it was with Dennis. Short, fat and balding, he talked like a cross between Anne Widdecombe and Mr. Bean. In those hours 'twixt ten and three, when we weren't being put through a regimen of moronic "self actualisation" exercises and frankly creepy roleplaying scenarios, we were treated to a truly breathtakingly brazen array of gropings, pawings and feelings-up, as he clumsily pretended to manouvre us into the appropriate positions and stances for his "exercises". The HR minions missed all this; having introduced Dennis, they promptly fucked off, presumably to eat a few live kittens.

I was not pleased at all. I'd forgotten all about it and had launched myself on a proper Guinness bender the previous night, and had basically been mainlining coffee all day in an attempt to keep myself conscious.

When he wasn't feeling us up he was giving what I'm sure he thought were rousingly motivational speeches, pacing up and down the front of the lecture room at a substantial pace. It was during one of these scuttling orations that Dennis had a little calamity. Striding briskly forward, he suddenly stopped, his face slowly reddening, sweat beads forming on his brow. He puffed his jowls out as he looked down. He'd managed to walk straight into a tall metal waste-paper bin set next to the whiteboard. Dennis being a squat fellow, the sharp corner of said receptacle had met him squarely in the left bollock.

Time stopped. At last, the pain signal appeared to finally make its way to his brain, and he looked up, taking on a thousand-yard stare as the sweat tricked over his ruddy cheeks.

"WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????," he pleaded.

That was too much for the room. We erupted in gales of laughter, none more so than me. Feeling truly wretchedly hungover, and with the memory of his hand burning its shame into my right buttock, I stood up and launched my verbal assault.

"HAHAHHAHA! HA! HAHAHA! Take that you fat pervert! You appalling revolting! It's no more than you deserve! Drink your lesson! Drink it down! That will teach you to STAY ABOUT FROM MY BIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," I bellowed as my backside gave way to the rectal explosion that was last night's true comeuppance.

"AUGHHH?" I pleaded as my knees gave way to the laxated blast and I fell down, weeping into my own shame.

And that's why we don't have harassment seminars at work any more.

The following week I got chilli on my bellend oh that did not feel good I can tell you!
(Frank Snow, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 0:33, 6 replies)

rapist.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 1:40, closed)

Rapist for Mod or something.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 2:00, closed)

Fuck that
Dennis For Mod!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 7:21, closed)

so you shit yourself?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 2:24, closed)

Hey, it's Frank!
To be honest, I'm a little upset by the use of "disgust" and "revolting" as nouns. :(
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:31, closed)

Splendid.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 9:37, closed)

fucking brilliant
I'm sitting in the corner of an unfamiliar pub, laughing to myself loudly enough to be getting funny looks. Thanks.
( 4Q just lurking, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 19:21, closed)

I was wondering why that berk in the corner was laughing.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
(Frank Snow, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 16:00, closed)