We've all met him.
He hovers around cyberspace like some kind of wasp, ready to attempt to sting to death anyone who angers him.

Back when the internet was shiny and amazing and chat rooms were all the rage, I used to amuse myself by getting drunk and wandering around the freeserve chatrooms (before it became wanadoo, then orange, then demanded their router back which I've just remembered is under the bed covered in dust), watching for people arguing and butting in. At first, I went by the name "TJHooker", but quickly discovered that the monicker "hooker" in a chatroom full of lonely people on a weekend resulted in a large volume of unwanted private messages. I was there to kick ass and take names, not lick ass and feel shame, so the name changed.

I'd usually pick the one who was being the biggest twat to go for, so in a way I suppose it was sort of proto-trolling, an embryonic white knight. This was around 2000 when most people hadn't developed their hard, calloused internet shield that renders them desensitised to trolls that many folk have these days.... it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

I quickly discovered that the type of person who wandered around freeserve's chatrooms insulting people weren't always the sharpest bunch. Usually a few well aimed remarks would have them ranting and raving and they'd usually storm out of the room in a huff after a short while, I felt like I was performing a sort of public service. Then I met the internet commando.

He was in a room throwing insults back and forth at certain people, so I rolled up my sleeves and started baiting him as usual, getting him to make a fool of himself and laughing at his lack of brain power, soon enough he snapped, but instead of flouncing out of the room he started going absolutely fucking mental at me. He was threatening to kill me and my entire family, all very much to my glee, until he mentioned the fabled "IP address".

"I'll find you you little cunt. I'm looking at your IP address now I'll be there soon." Now, my experience with computery stuff at this point in history was playing quake over a college network, and baiting nutters in chat rooms. I did not know what an IP address was, or if indeed he knew exactly where I lived, although I had heard college lecturers mention the thing when talking about the internet. He, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what this IP address was, and from what he was saying, it was pointing him right to my front door. I started pretending I was at work, but he said "No you aren't. You're in a house. I'm going to fucking rip your head off you little cunt. I've been trained for this kind of thing, you're fucking dead! You don't go through what I've been through to take this kind of shit!"

Ah I wish I could say I'd heard it all before, but I hadn't. I genuinely believed he had a big map on his screen with a red flashing dot over my house, and that he was donning camo paint and bullet belts. I thought I had just poked a mentallist and invited him to come round and give me a good kicking, so, ever the hero, I promptly shat myself and apologised profusely before switching off the PC and spending a nervous few days wondering if he really could track me down.

Even now I wonder if he's in the bushes across from my house, watching, waiting silently, carving the days into his arm. Quite why a highly trained commando who'd seen one too many friends die would be on freeserve chat at half two on a saturday morning shouting at teenage girls never occured to me.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 1:57, 10 replies)

you've met Jahled as well then?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 7:51, closed)

I'm under the bed putting my winkle in your dusty wanadoo router.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 8:28, closed)

So your story is "I got trolled"?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 8:38, closed)

No, he was clearly trolling HIM.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:48, closed)

You trawled through chat-rooms, looking for people you could belittle?
No wonder you wound up here.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 10:39, closed)

haha, very much this! ^

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 12:24, closed)

"Quite why a highly trained commando ...."
PTSD?
(haberman is singing in the changes, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 11:11, closed)

"I quickly discovered that the type of person who wandered around freeserve's chatrooms insulting people weren't always the sharpest bunch."
Nothing's changed, it seems
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:12, closed)

Holy shit I remember you
I was on FS / Wanadoo chat periodically for about 3 years starting in 2000. Often wondered if people from that circle are also on the other sites I use nowadays....

I eventually cut down my attendance as some old guy called Jiggerypokery started having major fits whenever I went into the room, dunno if I just annoyed him (I do that for some people, subconsciously) or it was a jealousy thing because I'd met a few of the girls he talked to.. went proper psycho though, to the point of messaging me giving a street address somewhere in Edinburgh and inviting me to come up there (400 miles, at my own expense) so he could try to beat me up....
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 18:36, closed)

That's right lad,
but ya never showed up.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 4:08, closed)