My mother is SO irrational!
Back in '96 just before I hit the big four-oh, I made my first - and what turned out to my last - trip to London. We had to go see my grandparents, something about needing their signatures on documents that would allow ma to legally disinherit me. Can't say that bit was fun - but hey-ho, who's gonna turn down a freebie trip to pommieland?

Whilst ma busied herself at the fancy legal-eagle place, she sent me packing with a shiny new £1 coin and told me go get lunch. I was flabbergasted and almost wet myself with excitement! It had only taken nearly 40 years but ma had finally let me have MY OWN MONEY, to spend HOW I WANTED! Maybe, I thought, just maybe, if I could show her how responsible I was by buying lunch and returning to the correct place, at the correct time, wearing ALL my clothes, she might just hold off on giving away all my inheritance.

Off I set on my mission. I wandered around a bit and found myself near Leicester Square. There were burger bars, kebab shops, cafes - loads of places for an starving Aussie to get some tucker. I went into a kebab place and ordered a huge doner with all the trimmings. But the bugger wanted five pounds for it. I told him I only had one pound coin and he started laughing at me. I asked him what I could get for one coin and he gave me a bit of bread with chilli sauce. It was disgusting! But I showed him! I ran off with my pound STILL IN MY POCKET!

Now I was hungry AND broke. I wandered around a bit more and started to notice something - all these poms were just chucking their rubbish on the street, there were no bloody bins! Bonza! The road outside McDonalds yielded 12 squashed nuggets, two half-eaten Big Macs and shit-loads of milkshake remains. I was stuffed. And all for free! But there was more, I found a mountain of pizza crusts outside another place, there were so many that I stuffed a load in me rucksack for ma.

Things were looking up. I could head back to the fancy lawyer's office with my pound coin AND a free lunch for ma everyone else. As I was stuffing the last load of crusts into my baggie, a dirty old grogged-up tramp started harassing me. He kept shouting that they were HIS pizza crusts and that I had stolen them. I mean what a flaming moron, eh? Anyone could see they were mine - I'd put them in MY bag. But the tramp kept coming at me, shouting even louder that I'd nicked his dinner.

Well I wasn't having this. I placed the bag down and faced him head on. He swung at me, missed and fell on the ground next to me. Well of course I wasted no time. I was completely naked in under six seconds, and grabbing my greasy cock in one hand, I pissed all over the filthy fucker! But then this cunt gets up and screams something like 'Ah, so it's a pissing contest you're wanting?' And the bastard pulls off his kecks and starts pissing on ME! Can you bloody believe it? He also managed to drench all me clobber! Fuck this, I thought and grabbed my bag and rand off down the road, leaving my piss-soaked gear on the pavement.

When I arrived back at the legal place, I ignored the sheila on the front desk and ran up to find ma in the offices. There she was standing over a big old oak desk with a fancy pen in her hand. The lawyer-bloke was saying something like, 'Are you sure Mrs F****olme? You know you don't have to do this.' And that's when I called out to her.

'Don't do it ma!' I screamed. 'Look, I'm back, AND I've got lunch for us all AND I've still got my pound coin!'

Ma and the fancy bloke looked up at me. Ma weren't happy to see me without clothes again but she didn't know what I had in my bag! I ran over to the big old desk and dumped 100's of pizza crusts all over it.

'Look ma! Free lunch!'

I flopped onto one of the chairs and looked up at them smiling. Then for good measure I placed the pound coin perfectly in the centre of the desk.

Ma looked at me strangely. 'Yes Mr Caruthers,' she said, 'I am quite sure I want to do this.'

And with that she signed a few pages and walked calmly out of the office. Never saw her again after that.

The Caruthers chap made a call, 'Please can you come and escort Mr F****olme out of the building, get someone to clean up this godawful mess, and for crying out loud, find the man some clothes.'

And that's how I found myself wearing a suit 3x too small for me, stinking of piss and sleeping in Leicester Square.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 12:55, 14 replies)

Is it just me
or has Alby actually lost it?

If I cared I might be a little concerned by now.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:18, closed)

Definitely showing how little you care about absolutely everyone laughing at how fucking pathetic you are, here.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:23, closed)

Yes.
Dear.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:26, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/lovehatebritain/post2112743#post2113303
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 17:08, closed)

Surely by engaging with it you are giving it far more credit for self-awareness than it actually warrants.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:32, closed)

You need a link back to the original post
and a couple more pointless links to pictures or unnecessary explanations of mundane terms. And you need a witless 'let me roast this old pea' disclaimer.

7/10 must try harder.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:29, closed)

You are such a good mate to him.
It's good to see you guys standing up for Alby and helping him out.
That's what friends are for, right?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:35, closed)

I think he should get an extra mark for fully embracing the "I am losing the will to live" ethos.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:39, closed)

YES.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

POWWWW

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 13:51, closed)

If only someone would set up some sort of archive for this sort of nonsense,
we could all be spared reading any of this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 14:04, closed)

Hahahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 14:06, closed)

Bindun but ar Clive doesn't read it either.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 14 Oct 2013, 16:36, closed)

I like Liemallow 2.0 the lies are more blatant and funny
but you really should get some soap on that greasy cock of yours it'll fester if your not careful
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 14 Oct 2013, 16:47, closed)