I am useless with children.
The sound they make when they cry goes right through me and makes me long for a roll of gaffer tape, and small ones either

a) stare at me and go 'look at that lady mummy, isn't she small?' (I am under 5' so yes, on the small side, which is all the more apparent when with the other half, who is 6') meaning I either glare at them or complain to their parents that their offspring are rude...

or b) they're the kind who run around Tescos when I'm trying to food shop (a task I already hate; Mr Maladicta and I have just come back from a packed Sainsbury's and I need alcohol, or chocolate, or both) clutching something random, yelling "MUMMY I NEED SOME SWEETS!! I AM A GOOD BOY/GIRL AREN'T I MUMMY? AARGHGRAREEERR!" and the mothers of course are either all under the impression that their offspring are beautiful and their creativity must not be stifled "put that down Damien..." or are incapable of controlling them "Chlamydia! Fahkin' put that dahn yer little shit!"

or c) they love me on sight, which I find a bit unnerving because I don't know what to do with them.

Or d) they throw up on me.

The few exceptions to this rule are kids I've had the time to get to know well, and a good friend of mine reduced me to hysterics last weekend by showing that his son will say anything he asks him to, in this case "dirka dirka". Yay. He's also got round the sweariness problem by telling the kids not to say 'daddy's words'.

However the following exchange at a friend of my parents' house reduced me to hysterics:
Clock: *chimes*
Granny: What's that sound Small Child?
Small child: Cock!

This is probably because I had a number of infuriating cousins as a small child - Jessica, the stereotypical spoilt little princess dressed in head-to-toe pink, with a nice line in sadism and tantrums, sometimes at the same time (she's Vicky Pollard now), Jack the literal anklebiter, and Alex the trainspotter. Not kidding; at the age of three you could ask him any train route in the country and he'd rattle it off station by station. It was a bit unnerving to say the least. Watching these grow up put me off kids for life; especially watching them trash my stuff (only child syndrome, I feel).

Give me teh kittins any day; Mr Maladicta and I have a mutual pact that we do not want any kids, but sadly we disagree on their replacement - I want Bengal kittens and he wants German Shepherd puppies.
( Maladicta, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 14:56, 6 replies)

Pets.
Get both! Just get the kittens and puppies at the same time, so they grow up used to each other.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 15:05, closed)

re: b)
Online grocery shopping. Quicker, easier, and even after delivery charges, if you factor in your own transport costs, cheaper.
(beemoh, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:24, closed)

@ Beemoh
I online shop a lot of the time, usually as the other half and I still live separately most of the time (although if I do food shop with him I get to use his privilege card as he works for Tescos), simply because it saves me an hour in the cathedral of despair.
( Maladicta, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:30, closed)

@ BobFossil
I think we're going to have one or the other, and not at the same time as long as we can't afford a place of our own :( and it'd be cruel to keep dogs in a flat so it may be that I win for now, yay kittins!
( Maladicta, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:31, closed)

^ah,
Well then I'd have to say no to any pets. I absolutely adore animals, especially cats, but I don't agree with keeping them in a flat if they don't have easy access to a garden. Do you have a garden?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:41, closed)

^ We do not has flat yet so no garden :(
That's still to come just as soon as I get the bit of paper with the "woo yay you're clever" on (hopefully!) and get myself a job :) so much to do, so little time to do it in...
( Maladicta, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:45, closed)