pissing on children = against the law

( WormuIus, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 12:41, 1 reply)

Meh
It's damn funny though, done in the style of the OP, although I agree pissing on children in other contexts is wrong, wrong, WRONG!

Edit- Wormulus, I was trying to figure out what your sleuthing reminded me of and it finally came to me at 1800, this is comedy gold (sorry for length, links didn't work) -

Jack Black and Silver -

A typical strip begins with Jack visiting Aunt Meg in a new location and assisting her with her latest business or project, usually involving something illegal or immoral such as prostitutes or drug dealing.

Someone causes trouble for them or annoys Jack in some way, leading him to investigate. The "villains" whom Jack investigates are occasionally genuine criminals, but more often well meaning, inoffensive people who happen to have outraged his far right sense of propriety.

Jack usually ends up finding out that what the suspect has done is technically not illegal, but still succeeds in getting the miscreants involved arrested on trivial charges and severely punished, often at the savage hands of the community - his exploits making a mockery of British Justice. For instance, when someone tried to sell a tactical nuclear missile to the IRA the village policeman pointed out that the man was a licensed arms dealer.

Jack then had the arms dealer arrested for having an expired tax disc on the car he was carrying the missile in. In most cases the whole village is utterly corrupt and the 'villain' represents some form of rationality and normality to the reader.

Jack, however, is not always successful despite his best efforts. In the May 2008 issue, Jack discovered that a local shopkeeper had devised an elaborate scheme to steal all the townspeople's toilet paper. This forced them to wipe themselves on the cardboard roll, causing haemorrhoids which led them to buy vast amounts of rubber cushions from his shop. However, in a departure from the other comics, PC Brown tells Jack that technically the suspect has done nothing illegal, and has to let him go. He is then seen in a pub with Jack who is drowning his sorrows, but Brown points out that Jack can't win every time, and vows they will catch the man and "bust his ass" as soon as he slips up.

Other examples of Jack's adventures include:

Uncovering a milk hoarding scam involving asylum seekers.
Exhuming a deceased man's corpse so that he can prove that his child was conceived out of wedlock. (This episode decries sex before marriage as sinful, and has the man's widow ostracised by her parish priest and community on Easter Sunday - in contradiction to other episodes, where prostitution or teenage sex are the basis of Aunt Meg's business.)

Teaming up with a paedophile priest to frame a teacher as a paedophile, because the man is teaching safe sex to teenagers and this is supposedly blasphemous. The teacher is lynched by a mob, and Jack then assists his Aunt in performing illegal abortions.
Getting a charity worker arrested for holding a charity sale on a Sunday and having his guide dog destroyed.

Capturing a downed German fighter pilot and, disappointed at his Aunt's refusal to let him kick the German pilot "In the guts till his arse bleeds", defecting to become a Nazi supporter.

Getting his own aunt arrested for letting himself and his dog sing while she was playing piano without holding an entertainment licence.
Having a professor stripped naked, tarred and covered with old hair clippings before being paraded around in a cart for an hour while

Jack and the community burn down the local museum because the professor believed in evolution and not creationism.

Uncovering an Al-Qaeda cell after finding out that their vegetarian leader reads The Guardian newspaper and not the Daily Mail.

Using an obscure tax law to have a soup kitchen for the homeless closed down at Christmas as it is, in the words of the local vicar, 'rather ruining the Christmas atmos'.(sic)

Discovering a working class council estate in his aunt's idyllic village, and inducing its inhabitants to "move on" by closing down the local Co-Op store (thus removing their supply of cheap lager and cigarettes).

Jack achieved this by tricking the store's owner into selling lottery tickets to underage minors.

Having an impoverished war hero (who has been forced to sell all of his medals to pay the VAT on his heating bills) arrested for copyright fraud (to wit, making photocopies of newspaper articles for his scrapbook).

Discovering that the "chocolate cake" donated by an elderly lady to a church fayre contains less than the minimum chocolate content specified by European law, and should therefore have been called a "chocolate flavoured cake". The old lady is put in a pillory and pelted with Jack's aunt's rock cakes (which she comments she had fortunately overcooked), while onlookers shout obscenities. The local vicar yells "Take that, you cheating bitch!" before hurling a cake at the poor old woman.

Uncovering an elaborate plot to steal books from the public library (by means of a tunnel drilled through several hundred feet of cliff) and sell them at a bookstall on the beach.

Discovering that a "dancing bear" exhibited in a travelling carnival is really Adolf Hitler in disguise. With the 'bear' gone, Jack then dressed the hapless Silver in a tutu and forced the dog to dance at the end of a whip.

Framing the owner of the local video rental shop by planting home made hardcore pornography amongst his stock after discovering that the shopkeeper was feeding Paula Radcliffe laxatives and then sending her to defecate in the garden of his aunt's brothel in order to drive her customers away from the brothel and ease their sexual frustrations by buying the softcore pornography he had to offer.

Upon discovering that Pete Doherty has moved into the area and then wondering why Meg's drug dealing business had not improved considerably, Jack and Silver investigate and find that the boat keeper in the local park is a rival dealer who is supplying Doherty's needs by way of an elaborate scheme involving the park pedal boats, a submarine and a fog machine. Jack and PC Brown then kill the rival dealer and beat up Doherty.

Discovering that a carol singer, who has used his earnings to buy Christmas presents for a local orphanage, has violated Sunday trading laws. (Both he and the orphans are arrested at gunpoint on Christmas morning, while Jack gets to keep all the presents himself.)

Befriending an elderly lady whose only companion is a goldfish, then having her thrown out of her retirement flat for keeping a pet without written permission. The goldfish is summararily executed by one of the local policemen stamping on him.

On finding out Meg (who is a member of the local Council) will have to return a brand new car and a large amount of money that she received as a backhander to allow a toxic waste dump to be built next to a school as the vote will not be unanimous, Jack breaks into the car of the only councillor who has voted against the proposed dump. He then promptly has the man arrested and thrown in prison for not declaring an interest in the issue; his daughter was a pupil at the school. Jack is too young to vote for the proposal, so Silver (who is three years old and therefore 21 in dog years) is appointed as a replacement council member instead to vote on Jack's behalf.

Exposing a Japanese Sumo wrestler of selling Geishas to England for their skill in performing the tea ceremony.
In an attempt to earn money to fund his new animal snaring hobby, Jack attempts to get work as a fruit picker with the local farmer, but upon learning that the wage is only 30p an hour, gets suspicious of a group of gentlemen who are more than happy with the measly wage. Convinced they are foreign, Jack arranges for a cricket match between the fruit pickers and the local police, noting that if they attempt to cheat they cannot possibly be British (more specifically English). During the game, one of the fruit pickers correctly questions a play with the umpire (Jack and PC Brown had purposely arranged this wrongful play) and Jack calls for the men to be arrested (he has rumbled them as no Englishman would ever question the decision of the umpire), to which the fruit pickers attempt to flee (for they are actually members of an East European acting troupe who recently vanished). As the East Europeans are taken away, the farmer points out that with no one to pick it, his fruit will rot. Jack happily responds that he would rather it rot than be picked by a foreigner. This story was purportedly "sponsored" by the Daily Express.

Getting a butcher's store closed down because the butcher is having sex with his meat products. This is supposedly done by all butchers, but the one in question was risking cross contamination by having sex with raw meat and then cooked meat afterwards.

Discovering that Hugh Hefner has been posing as the "Phantom of the Fens", a masked highwayman who regularly holds up Aunt Meg in order to steal the supplies of laboratory rabbits that her farm provides for vivisection purposes. Hefner has killed all the rabbits to use their ears and tails in the costumes for his army of Playboy Bunny girls. He is arrested, while the "bunny girls" are sent off to a factory for experimentation because Meg has no more rabbits left.

When Aunt Meg is not allowed to sell her Nazi memorabilia at the local market because all stallholders must be of German origin, Jack becomes increasingly suspicious of a kindly old toymaker who does not look physically perfect enough to belong to the "Master race". He discovers the man was born in Olbernhau, which did not actually come under German control until ratified under the Treaty of Versailles on June 19, 1919 - a day after the man was born on June 18, when Olbernhau was still part of the former Austria-Hungary. The toymaker is deported and his German dachshund dog destroyed, and the townspeople celebrate by burning the toys that he had charitably given to local orphans.

Exposing a greengrocer's plot to undercut the nearby supermarket's prices by way of a scheme involving electromagnetics and robot "children".

Relocating the action to the Canadian Rockies, Jack and Aunt Meg are happily shooting defenseless animals in the forest and mounting their heads on the wall when Mountie Brown warns the two of a giant bear walking the woods that appears to be impervious to gunfire which caused him to foul himself, he was so scared. When Mountie Brown leaves to go to his grandmother's launderette to clean his soiled clothes, Jack and Aunt Meg go after the bear themselves. They find the bear which is also unharmed by their bullets and approaches the two causing them to shit themselves in fear before backing off. Going to the launderette, Jack and Aunt Meg find some washing machines out of order and a lot of demand for the machine from other hunters suffering the same humiliation as Jack and the others. Doing some investigating, Jack discovers that the bear is actually a robot run by Mountie Brown's grandma from the parts from the broken washing machines (the evidence being that the bear tracks led to a bingo hall, community centre and a wool shop meaning an old woman had to be involved) who was using the scam to drum up business for her launderette. Mountie Brown is unable to arrest her due to her being 93, so instead he just shoots her and mounts her head on Jack's wall.

In one adventure, Jack becomes determined to find out why a youth club leader has been turning over all the local drug dealers to the police. He discovers that this has led the kids at the youth club to fight over the available drugs, causing an increase in knife crime and more business for the village knife grinder (who is actually the youth club leader's wife in disguise.) The two escape on a motorbike but Jack throws a knife at them, which results in them crashing into a fuel depot and the depot exploding. Meg, the village magistrate, sentences their corpses to be posthumously locked up and pilloried in the village stocks.

While performing an errand for Aunt Meg, Jack and Silver pass the mansion of Sir Fred Goodwin and they meet both Sir Fred and his cleaner who is paid only the minimum wage and yet is clearly overworked by him. Sir Fred complains to Jack about her performance at the job ("I know I oversaw the loss of 241 Billion, the biggest loss in UK Corporate history but she hasn't even cleaned under the wheel arches. I mean, come on!") and even took three days off sick with full pay. Jack helpfully suggests he sack her and hire someone else Sir Fred tells Jack he can't because he'd have to give her a redundancy package. Jack decides to investigate, and while bumping into her at the shops peeks inside her bag and then checks out her records at the local medical centre. The next day Jack arrives at Sir Fred's house along with an officer for the Inland Revenue. Jack reveals that the cleaner didn't actually take three days off as she was ill but actually took the days off to have a baby (which she has been hiding in her bag). As a result, she was only entitled to maternity pay instead of the sick pay and therefore defrauded Sir Fred of £40. Sir Fred is given the money back by Inland Revenue, the cleaner is arrested for serious benefit fraud and her baby is taken into care. That night, Sir Fred and Jack celebrate righting the wrong by having a night around the fire which is fuelled by wads of twenty pound notes.

Jack's Nazism has been referred to more than once. He has been seen in one episode to be working on a school homework project entitled 'The Myth of the Holocaust'; whilst in another he is seen leading a sing song round a piano of the Nazism anthem 'Tomorrow Belongs to Me'. Indeed, in the Christmas 1994 issue (no69) he witnesses a Luftwaffe plane crash and wants to cut out the dead pilot's teeth as souvenirs. However, the pilot survives and they take him back to his Aunt Meg's so she can hang him in the back garden. The two quickly bond and the pilot reads Mein Kampf to Jack before bed which convinces him to turn on his Aunt and fly back to Germany and dine with the Führer himself. The Christmas 2007 issue, in which Aunt Meg owns an impressive personal collection of Nazi memorabilia, suggests that she may share his political allegiance.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:11, closed)

Godwin's law = invoked

( WormuIus, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 13:51, closed)

In no way
is my internet personality calling your internet personality a nazi, one of your mock sleuthing posts just reminded me of above viz charcter, mostly his milder exploits.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 14:23, closed)

So ... just to be clear ...
Pissing on children is WRONG, yes?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 14:48, closed)

Only on Tuesdays and Wednesdays apparently but i'm not convinced....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:18, closed)