Gerontophilia, it's a buzz killa.
Back in my 20's.
I was at a family barby with my mate Ted. We were down at the river fore-shore on a balmy, summer evening. Ted and I had duly smoked ourselves to the point of being "pole-axed" on the drive over and had a nice big, phat scooby in Ted's pocket for after our meal. We were happily chugging down most of the beers in Teds' Dad's esky and enjoying the smell of our saussies getting crispy as we perched on a bank above the picnic area and surveyed the scene.
Occasionally a pretty young girl would jog by with her dog to appease our puffy, blood-shot eyes as we giggled & talked about our week, what we'd been up to and what we thought of the passing eye candy.

Then I spotted her - an older lady, maybe mid-to-late 50's with a lined but still pretty face and nice sculpted bob of natural red hair. She had a wiryness that people of that age get from exercising regularly and eating right. On top of that frame tho she had the boobs and bum of a lady that had not only raised a few kids but had some fun making them. She'd packed these attributes and body into a pair of tight jeans and flimsy blouse that did all they could to accentuate their contents.
She'd got out of her car with another lady and stopped to talk to someone else in the carpark opposite Ted's and my perch.

"Psst, Ted" says I, "Check out that GILF over there."
"Whaaa..?" says Ted stonedily. Eventually he came too, followed my surreptitious pointing at the lovely lady and giggled. "What's a GILF?" he asks sniggering.
"Well," I say "you know how a 'MILF' is a Mum I'd Like to Fuck?". (Ted's mum is a lovely lady I've known since primary school and she isn't one) He nods lazily. "Looking at this lady I'd say she's probably old enough to have grown up kids, right?" Another nod. "So she's probably likely to have grandchildren." I pause and Ted grins at me like monkey that's just discovered that it's flexible enough to self-fellate.
"Hence, Ted - a GILF is a Grandmother that I'd Like to Fuck." I finish my theorising with a flourish and Ted starts to laugh like hyena on nitrous. A little too vigorously for my liking but then again we're both as pissed and baked as a couple of over done calzone.

The vision of older lustfulness wanders over in the barby's direction. She begins to say hello to people from our combined friends and family eventually strolling over to Ted's dad and giving him a big hug and a smooch. I begin by feeling pleased that I'm getting a nice view whilst I have a good feed but slowly a sense of worry creeps in. Eventually she heads over to us to say hello.
"Hello Ted, who's your spunky friend?" she asks as I begin to blush.
"Hi nan. This is Ringo." Ted appears to be shaking. "Umm, hi Ted's Gran." I manage to mumble.
"Oh, call me Nancy." she says, "Anytime." with a wink. By the time she strolls off Ted is quite literally blowing streams of snot out of his nose trying not to laugh.
Not so much lead balloon as a fart in a spacesuit.

Nancy became a "GIF'ed". Not that I'd want Ted to know.
But since they're both dead now that shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 6:40, 45 replies)

hahahayeahthathappened

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 8:47, closed)

So what you're saying here is that everyone who comes into contact with you irl kills themselves?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:00, closed)

Nice.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:03, closed)

clearly not if people would rather be dead

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:10, closed)

It's okay though, he fucked his mate's nan before they both died so LOL and stuff.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 10:00, closed)

Ouch.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 10:06, closed)

You're an EXCELLENT friend. Really.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 10:09, closed)

we could be the only living people he actually interacts with
hence the epic attention seeking.
(The Goderator trumped and you smelt it, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:34, closed)

I don't know you and as far as I know have never interacted with you before.
Nice to see that you appear to know me so well.

Pleased to meet you btw.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:45, closed)

Oh god, you don't think his wife actually did die in that minor car accident, do you?
He's not acting out some kind of Psycho-style fantasy where he dresses up in her old clothes and pretends to be her, is he?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:47, closed)

What about you BD?
A lovely day with the family. Spending time with that special someone?

Or another lonely day being nasty to strangers on the internet, take-away and and angry wank before bed?
Again?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:26, closed)

Well I won't be fucking my dead mate's dead nan and justifying it because they're dead, so there's that.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:55, closed)

I think if we had a show of hands
you'd find that not many other b3tans did that either. Myself included.

So there's that.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 21:24, closed)

You're the one whose friends are all dead.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:14, closed)

no, that's Freddie Gage

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 18:33, closed)

Death Defying by The Hoodoo Gurus?

All my friends are dead
Or they're dying.
Empty laughter turns into crying.
It's death-defying.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 22:08, closed)

So here we are on a lovely Sunday.
You guys are harassing me about the fact that (according to you) all my friends are dead or wish to be so.
Based on one line in a story I've posted here.

Think about that for a moment. Think about how that makes you (BD & alright) look. Think about what sort of people that makes you.

It's really no skin off my back - I've mourned the dead and moved on. But you guys want to try and make me feel bad about that. Really?

And you say I'm the bad guy here?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:54, closed)

No, I say you're an attention seeking shitposting spastic who is really easy and entertaining to wind up.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:58, closed)

shut up and take your beating, you moaning fat loser

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:04, closed)

I'm pretty certain this didn't need explicitly pointing out.
If his own mother topped herself to avoid the shame of his mediocrity and self-pity then everybody else in Western whineland is fucked.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 19:07, closed)

That's concerning, I've got family in Perth.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 19:21, closed)

Send them a link to the b3ta newsletter.
The unremitting hilarity of kittens behaving like kittens may just cut through the deepest gloom of McMiserymoobs' joy shadow.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 19:31, closed)

Wow.
They clearly just couldn't get any further away from you could they.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 20:58, closed)

Maybe, maybe not, but at least they didn't go as far as killing themselves to get away from me.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 21:31, closed)

ZING!

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 22:23, closed)

Hang about, did you spend 7 hours in bed and then come straight back here to carry this on?
Fuck me.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 22:39, closed)

Well despite it being a school day I thought I might let the rest of the house sleep in a little later than 0500
So it's this or watching Waking The Dead.

TV time it is then I guess.

inb4 dead jokes about choice of tv viewing.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 23:10, closed)

I think he's going for a record three 18 hour sobfests in a row.
Imagine having so little self-respect and dignity. Grim.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 9:00, closed)

There he is.
"Dr." Shambolic, everyone.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 9:37, closed)

Bullshit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 9:37, closed)

Bet you're feeling a bit lonely now.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:43, closed)

Look at all these lovely people spending their Sunday, not with their families or significant others
but trying to put down and argue with a stranger on the internet.

Me, I've had a lovely day.
Did some housework, a bye this week so no game to go and coach. Had a lazy lunch, helped the missus make some soup for her lunches this week - it's going to be rainy. And the sprog and I made some cupcakes for her class for tomorrow. Topped off with a couple of nice cold Hoegaardens and roast chook and vegies for dinner.

I've got a busy one tomorrow but at the moment I feel pretty fucking contented.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:53, closed)

Look at this spastic bragging about a mediocre existence to strangers on the internet as though doing basic chores makes his life so much better than everyone elses.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:58, closed)

Hey!
You managed to post in this thread a whole minute before you did in the other one.
So you're like logged out and have more than one thread per tab?

Whoa....
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:19, closed)

Erm, no, I've just got decent internet and don't have to use a head dobber, so it only takes me a few seconds to post.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:00, closed)

you have to keep mind that he's very very very dull-witted

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:17, closed)

Superfly!
I wish I had decent fucking broadband. Tell you what - if Labor gets back in I'd better have blisters on my fingers quick smart because the NBN's so fast.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:22, closed)

not even your mum gave a shit about your mundane underachievement, you fat waste.

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:42, closed)

Keep on plugging on there
Bigboy.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:47, closed)

bless you make it sounds like it takes any kind of effort to remind you how crap you are

(alright alright, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:21, closed)

I'm sorry.
I think you meant what you typed to make sense.
It just didn't. That's all.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 13:27, closed)

Interesting thread
I am let down by the fact that no-one mentioned the phrases biddy fiddler or O.A.Peado.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 22:20, closed)

Grave snatcher?
Cougar tamer, nursing-home bait?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 22:29, closed)

"desperate lonely fat attention seeker"
"unloved cuckold crying onto the internet for help"
"fat loser seeks uncastrated men to fuck wife and daughter"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 9:09, closed)

Solid gold shambo.
You know me so well.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 9:41, closed)