Dear Becky,
Whilst I'm not normally one to reveal information which has been passed on to me in confidence, I think is necessary on this occasion as you seem to have fundamentally misunderstood my demeanour towards you.

Whilst it has been mentioned to me by a colleague that you believe I find you sexually attractive, and am lavishing unwelcome attention on you, this is simply not the case. However, since I do perhaps noticeably pay more attention to you than others in the office, and that is apparently causing you concern, I do think you deserve an explanation as to why this might be.

First of all, you have a very loud voice. Despite the fact I sit several desks away, I am a party to every conversation you ever have, willingly or otherwise, and as a result I now feel uncomfortably knowledgeable about your social life, your dietary habits, and your menstrual cycle. In contrast to your normal nasal Essex whine, but even more impressive in volume, you have a laugh like Sid James. Several times, when I've been concentrating on my screen and you have suddenly found something amusing, I have spilled my tea. I must admit that this has somewhat coloured my opinion against you.

And it's not just the voice. It's what you say. It has become apparent, in the 18 months we have shared an office, that you are mind-bogglingly, earth-shatteringly stupid. Often, when you ask a question, I have a moment of confusion where I'm genuinely not sure if you're joking or not. You have never been joking, though.

The most astonishing revelation, I have to say, was when you needed someone in your team to explain the basic process of how the company makes money, for at least the third time. Admittedly, business can be complex, and I can fully understand that people new to our industry need a bit of explanation. However, you'd been here a year at this point, and you work in the Finance Team.

Of course, it's not your fault you're daft, and I should be able to put it to one side and ignore it, but since we work for the same company I can't help but feel sullied by association. The fact that you are part of a graduate scheme I was once also a part of, and could one day be in a role similar to mine, makes me question my own self-worth. It's the look of self-doubt on my face as I gaze on you at these moments that I assume you have mistaken for lust.

As you've probably gathered by now, my feelings towards you are hardly attraction. Admittedly, you do have many attributes that some would consider attractive: the peroxide blonde hair, the perma-tan, the tarty dress-sense, etc., but I am not a League Two Footballer, and these things do not do it for me.

I hope that you can take on board some of these points, and hopefully we can share office-space more productively in future, however I can reassure you that a romantic liaison remains unlikely.

Regards,

Snowy
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:01, 5 replies)

you so want to shag her

( rob, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:04, closed)

Yeah
but she's still dumb as a brick
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:06, closed)

I'm reading this over your shoulder, snowy
NYUK NYUK NYUK
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:07, closed)

Very diplomatic of you!
Not one cunt or fuck! Good on ya! :)

*click*
( Zumf Ham banjo, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:05, closed)

this should be sent
post-fucking-haste.

*click*
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:07, closed)

I would...
(from the description of her, not you, sorry!)
(Kip, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 20:39, closed)

.
This deep character analysis and comprehensive description of her behaviour and physical characteristics, references to biological functions and capacities, opinions on her intelligence and dress sense probably won't alter her opinion much.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:59, closed)