Letter to two "friends"
Dear C & B,

You’re possibly both wondering why we never get in contact anymore. There are a number of reasons for this seemingly inexplicable oversight on our part, which I shall try to outline to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, I am unable to do it in words of one syllable, so you will have to forgive me for this. I hope you are able to adequately keep up. Where to start?

I suppose the first point is one of reciprocation. We (and I mean our circle of friends here, not just me and the missus) kind of got a bit pissed off at inviting you both out for drinks after you would consistently make excuses for reasons why you couldn’t go (BAKING FFS? ON A SATURDAY NIGHT??) I'm afraid that after about three years of this we just got sick of asking. Sorry.

Similarly, we started to get narked at the fact the only way we could catch up was if we went round to yours for a night in. Now, I’m quite fond of a night in with mates; really, I am. But my idea of a good night in does not extend to seeing the pair of you superglued together on the couch, watching you watching Return of the King. The Special Edition. For four hours. Granted, your hospitality skills started to get a bit better when we were given the option of which pirated DVD we would like to watch. I note that our comment “couldn’t we just put some music on and talk”, got a bit lost on you though.

Then there was our wedding. Ah, yes. You never responded to voicemails, emails or text messages about it. Apparently, you never got them. Massive technology fail! Wow, I know the missus is a bit of a techno-luddite at times, but she has mastered the art of communication by electronic means. Perhaps all of our electronic communications devices were faulty? Although nobody else seemed to have problems at the time. Perhaps it was down to sunspots. So, yeah – when we eventually managed to speak to you about our impending nuptials, you refused to come on account of R was going to be there. You never wanted to see him again, apparently, not after what he did to B. As far as we can see the only thing he did to B was give him a vastly overpaid job for fetching and carrying and not getting blown up on a building site for three years. Which B then decided one day he wasn’t going back to, without actually telling R this. Yeah, R’s a cunt and no mistake. You made that quite clear when you gave D a Christmas card last year, which was made out to her alone. I’m sorry to report that she ripped it up and left if on the floor of the pub. You should have been there; it was such a laugh. But you were probably too busy baking.

So, OK, you don’t want to attend our wedding, for reasons best known to yourself. However, you then completely failed to acknowledge the fact that we were getting married when I saw you the very next day. Not a flicker. You did offer me a lettuce from your allotment, which was kind, I suppose, but I declined (if I hurt your feelings over that, I’m sorry). And then, at the time of the wedding itself, nothing, not even a card. A bit disappointing, but perhaps you’d forgotten. I forget stuff all the time. Funny, then, that when I bumped into up the street a few months ago (and my slightly sideways walk was a combination of still being horribly hungover and also trying to avoid you), the first thing that B said was “Aboot yu weddin’; it wuz nowt personal t’ ye, mind”. Aye, whatever. Fuck off.

Finally, I would just like to say that the Christmas cards you posted through our door, with a note asking us to pass on to X,Y and Z “when we see them”, didn’t actually get delivered on account of us not being your personal postage service. So if you’re wondering why you perhaps didn’t get anything in return, that’s the reason. Sorry and all that, but you live roughly the same distance from everyone as we do, and you do have your own transport. I know B’s as tight as a gnat’s arse and was probably trying to save money on petrol, but you also both have bikes. I suggest that you both get on them.

Yours, with increasing disdain,

DG
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 13:34, 2 replies)

i reckon
this should be sent - print and deliver. obviously C & B are grade A cunts
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:27, closed)

why on earth are you even at all bothered by this?
clearly they never really liked you... and vice versa. end.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:37, closed)

I'm not, really.
We gave up on them a long time ago. Our friendship was a good one, but once they got married it kind of went off the boil - he's a possessive, mean-spirited jealous type which didn't become obvious until they got hitched. Once he had her in his clutches, that was it. She was allowed to go on a girl's night out once on the condition that he went with her. She had to sneak out of their house at 5am one Christmas morning just to deliver her own daughter a Christmas present, such was his tight-fistedness - he'd have thrown a hissy fit if he'd found out she'd spent money on her own child.

And it isn't just us - it's the entire circle of friends they've shut up shop to. No-one really knows why, or cares by now.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:43, closed)