Dear England,

It has been some time since I last saw you so I thought I should drop you a line. It only seems like yesterday since I worked in the basement of Harrods selling nuts, who could believe it has been almost 20 years, and yet each day I spent working in the basement felt like 20 years, ironic isn’t it.

I hope you are keeping well. I have heard on the grape vine that you have had a few money worries; I don’t mean to say I told you so but I did warn you about taking banking advice from that shifty America, but, you never did listen.

Has the weather improved since I saw you last? I remember with no fondness the cold and dark days you gave us but, I do still smile when I remember the old lady in my street at Barons Court who would convince me that 3 degree’s was a pleasant day and shame me into not taking a coat. Do you think that Doctor who treated me for the influenza and whose bill I skipped out on is still looking for me?

If you see them about the place would please remember me to Lisa, Chelsea, Sarah, Lindsy, Chrissie, the other Sarah, Emma, Louise, Carol, Sam, Bec, Antonia, Helen, Joanne, the other Emma with the huge tits and Dianne. There are few others I can’t remember but, if you recognize them please pretend I remembered them too. By the way, if any of them are looking for me and have devilishly handsome 19 year old children with good teeth, tell you don’t know where I am.

I am still sorry for making that joke that the only a true Englishman is of Saxon decent, which you can tell from his red hair, and that all the others are basically French (although I still stand by my comment that the Normans ARE French). I am also sorry for suggesting you missed your last chance to become a great empire again 1942 when you rejected the introduction of German efficiency.

Things at home are still not back to normal I am afraid and we really do insist that you return the Ashes you cheated us out of recently, and please explain how the Rugby World Cup finished up in the hands of the French after we entrusted it to you for safe keeping! (Makes me think that my joke really does have some truth to it).

You will be pleased to know we dispatched Uncle Rupert to the United States as punishment but, he is still refusing to give back control of your media (he was always a bit of a bastard). And for crying out loud don’t send that smarmy wanker Wills back here again. If you don’t want him what makes you think we do?

All the folks at Ramsy Street and Summer Bay send their best regards but, there has been some quite mumbles that they are falling out of favor. Surely this can’t be true?!?

I will sign off now to take a swim in my private pool on my quarter acre block with a 2 story 4 bedroom house in my leafy suburb close to the city that I have bought with an average wage.

Lots of Love,

bad advice

PS Nick the bar man at the Cooggee Bay asks if you can remind the next set of gap year students that although not compulsory tipping is welcome

PPS Dad says you can keep Pete Andre’, he reckons he would happier with you

PPPS Uncle Warnie has lost his blow up cock and asks you if you can keep an eye out for it

ba
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:33, 11 replies)

The proper World Cup happens in South Africa this summer
I for one can't wait. Apparently you lot are playing in it too - would be great if we got Aussie at some point, don't know if it works out like that. But would be a great match.

Wayne Rooney or Mark Viduka??? Think I'll have Rooney, please.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:41, closed)

I like this isnt enough
I bloody loves it I do!
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:53, closed)

It is possible
England is Group C we are Group D, if you win your group and we come 2nd in ours of vice versa, we meet in the round of 16. Not out of the question when you look at the groups.

Apart from that, it's the final.

How about Rooney for Ponting then?
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:16, closed)

Cricket's weird in this country
Nobody really gives a fuck until we play you lot at home in the Ashes. Then it becomes a BIG DEAL. Might have something to do with it being the close season for football and it passes the time.

And fair plays, you've got a bloody great cricket team. But it's not our major sport. We had 80,000 at Wembley the other night to watch England beat Egypt in a friendly - this just wouldn't happen with a 'friendly' cricket match in this country.

You've got some decent footballers, I remember John Aloisi used to play for my club, Coventry City and he was the dogs bollocks. But come this summer when we win our group and you could - very likely - finish second in yours...

... it'll be an absolute pleasure to see our boys beat the crap out of your boys at our national sport. Cahill against Gerrard??? Only one winner there, mate.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:21, closed)

It is the same with football in Australia
although the most played sport by boys under 12, it doesn't even get TV coverage unless it is the last qualifier for the world cup and a win is needed to make it, an international against England or the actual world cup.

As for cricket, Test matches sell out well in advance even if it is only the Zimbabwian 2nd 11.

My wife (who was born in London by the way) just gave me an interesting fact, Austalia has won ever football match against England they have played since 1992.

(Please don't google this and find out, there has been one match in that time and prior to that it is 3 losses 2 draws for the Aussies).
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:50, closed)

An other interesting fact about THAT game from my wife
Apparently some Sweedish prick who was coaching the side took all of your regular players off at half time and subsituted them with blind men in wheel chairs - I think her bias is shinning through.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:51, closed)

Your wife's right
We had a Swede in charge...

He didn't know anything about the rivalry between Eng and Aus and totally fucked it up for us.

Things will be different next time. As a footballing nation we wouldn't stand for anything less than a 100% performance and a win against you lot.

The amount of my Aussie mates in London banging on about how good they are at rugby and cricket!!! Be nice to be able to give a bit back this summer. Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:57, closed)

Its pains me
to admit that australia is better in any, however tiny, regard but godammit if this isnt it:

"I will sign off now to take a swim in my private pool on my quarter acre block with a 2 story 4 bedroom house in my leafy suburb close to the city that I have bought with an average wage"

Kinda makes me wish one of my relatives was a dirty criminal who'd been shipped off to botany bay.
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:52, closed)

"please explain how the Rugby World Cup finished up in the hands of the French"
Ummm, South Africa lent it to them?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:51, closed)

LOL
the only time the Saffa's have had their grubby mits on it they poisoned the All Blacks the night before the final.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:53, closed)

I know England deserved to win
cruely cheated by a dodgy 3rd umpire or whatever they call them in rugby but that's one hell of a selective memory you've got there.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 17:01, closed)