It won't get better, sadly.
But thank you for the hugs. To put it all in context, as reading it back it all sounds a bit mad.
I'll try not to give you my whole life story, or i'll never sell my memoirs. But a couple of people have been in touch so easier to write an answer here than to each.
When I was 11, my mother died. Before she went, she made me promise to look after the 'boys'; Dad and K, my sibling senior by three years. I did as promised. Dad went a bit fuzzy after Mum went, so I washed, I cleaned, I did the bills. I signed Dad's signiture better than he could. Yes it was tough, but i'm not claiming it was tougher than anyone elses life. It's all relative.
Anyway, K decided some years later he wanted to celebrate his 18th birthday in Spain, on holiday with his mates.
I said no. They weren't a good crowd, and at 17 he had just started his first job and needed to be seen as a stable sensible fella.
I refused to release the funds.
We argued. I was 15 but going on 50 by then.
In the end I relented. And off he went. I even lent him my ghetto blaster, as we called them back then.
They got to Spain. They got the hire car. They hit a Mercedes head on so hard that the survivours lost the fillings out thier teeth.
And one didn't survive.
My big bruv. Dad woke me at 5 in the morning and told me. I was 15. and i'd killed him.
The rest of your life gets hard after that.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 23:43, 2 replies)

If this was long enough ago
that they were called ghetto blasters, then I think it's time you stopped feeling guilty for something that wasn't your fault.
*hugs*
(berk, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:04, closed)

You Didn't Kill Him
let the guilt go. A million million factors led to your brother being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your decision was only one of them.

You're not responsible for what happened.

Let it go mate...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:28, closed)

i made a promise.
I failed to keep it. It hurts.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:38, closed)

Legless is right I'm afraid.
It was an accident. Noone blames you, noone punishes you but yourself. It seems a shame that instead of celebrating his life and all that he brought you before he was sadly taken, you've spent the time since then tearing yourself apart. I reckon he'd be quite upset by that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 7:21, closed)

You were 15
and despite you being responsible for so much, you were still a kid. And it wasn't your fault. You could have kept him home and he could have been hit by a bus the very next day. Sometimes when your number's up, it's up. *Even more hugs*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:58, closed)

You cant..
...promise to keep someone alive, unless you lock them in a room forever, and even then they will have to go sometime.

Theres a Buddhist saying that goes: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Im pretty sure you could interchange guilt for anger, its helped me get through some shitty experiences, hope it might be able to help you too...
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Wed 10 Mar 2010, 17:01, closed)