Dear DJ Spoony,
Football is Immodium of the brain, drawing to a halt all synapses, save the one that makes men go ‘WaaAAArRRRararagh!’whenever some granny-fucking teenager fails to do what he’s paid grotesque amounts of money to practice day-in and day-out - get ball A from point B to point C without hitting terrace D.

And there’s another thing. I managed to walk in a straight line today without 1) falling into traffic 2) perambulating backwards or 3) cartwheeling down George Street - all without international coaching, Star Trek style medical teams or obscene quantities of Nandrolone, so where’s my Banana Republic GDP salary and/or roasting spread in The News of The World? Congratulations! You managed not to fuck up for 10 seconds our of 90 minutes and that makes you a hero! Where I work that would make you very very fired.

But it’s not the game that I dislike with some fervour and gesticulation, it’s the post-match fucking analysis - no, let me narrow that down - it is DJ Spoony.

For those of you across the pond, let me explain; DJ Spoony has done but two things with his life -1) made shite music and 2) presented the ‘˜606 Phone-in Show’ on BBC Radio 5 Live. Yes, that’s 606, presumably the devil threatened to sue for defamation if they made the middle digit ‘6’ as well.

Let me explain my home to you, dear readers, I have 8 radios in my house. One of them is tuned to Five Live, and so are the other fucking 7. I only have 5 rooms, which means that after any given football match, I not only have to listen to DJ Spoony’s phone-in, but I also have to have it beamed at my head at every conceivable angle. Somewhat like a firing squad, only less pleasant.
Here’s a brief rundown of your average 606 phone-in:

Kevin from Bolton phones in.

“Innit,” says Spoony. “Keven, innit, yeah?”
“Gutted,” says Kevin.
“Innit,” says Spoony.
“Innit,” says Kevin.
“Yeah” says Spoony.

Wayne from Liverpool phones in.

“Gutted,” says Wayne.
“Gutted?” says Spoony.
“Innit,” says Wayne.

Sheila from Bognor Regis phones in.

“Innit,” says Sheila.
“Innit,” says Spoony. “Gutted?”
“4-7-5-3-1,” says Sheila.
“Innit?” says Spoony. “2-8-4-3-pi.”
“9-1-2-fish-piss,” says Kevin.
“You still there?” says Spoony.
“Innit,” says Kevin.

And round and round and round we go, in this, the precious time before sleep which should be spent listening to balanced BBC political commentary and ingesting enough beer to last me throughout the night. This endless droning, like bees without the purpose or the organization, is what passes for football discussion - and worse yet, as entertainment for which DJ Spoony gets paid by the good, clean TV license paying British public.

This is the time after the match when the synapses start kicking in, when the ‘WaarRRrRrrargh’s are turned into nonsensical mutterings. Like a child learning to speak, it is all nonsensical shite, ‘Sven, mee-maw, pee-pee, offside, innit,’ and actual proper cursive talking is best left to the adults.

Fuck off back to your drum machine, Spoony,

TheSnark
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:40, 21 replies)

Alternatively
Tune in to a different station?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:44, closed)

Innit

( snee held his breath since, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:49, closed)

How else will I get myself so worked up, then?

(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:49, closed)

I find watching Jeremy Kyle has me yelling at the telly
quicksmart.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:00, closed)

Have you considered masturbation?

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:28, closed)

Move house
or turn the radio off

or go out

I don't believe I've ever heard of this Spoony fellow, but then again, I don't listen to sports radio, for most of the reasons outlined in your post.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:50, closed)

Ah, but it is talk radio
Usually populated by foamy-mouthed tabloid drunk cretins.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:52, closed)

Try Radio 4

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:56, closed)

That's populated by smug tossers laughing at their own jokes and being impressed by their own cleverness.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:09, closed)

You make me nervous.

(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:17, closed)

I thought that was /talk?

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:28, closed)

Hahahahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:43, closed)

Cleverness on /talk?
you must be sorely mistaken
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:47, closed)

...which is exactly the sort of thing I enjoy listening to, what's your point?
Besides, I'm not the one who has 8 radios in their house tuned to a station that drives them mental.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:46, closed)

It isn't like...
...DJ Spoony is on all the time. For fuck's sake, I've got more respect for myself than that.

I like news. I like news without the twaddle of smuggery.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 15:48, closed)

smuggery I can handle
but I find "foamy-mouthed tabloid drunk cretins" to be a real turn-off
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:31, closed)

What - like having a Fail archive?
Pffft.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:03, closed)

You utter fucking twat

(likeajackhammer, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:01, closed)

...and...
Ignore.

Cunt.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:22, closed)

HAHA
Oh. Wait a minute. That wasn't funny IN THE SLIGHTEST.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:35, closed)

Absolutely agree
5 live is an excellent station, ruined by Nicky (fucking daily mail cunt of the airwaves) Campbell, Richard (I want to be Nicky Campbell) Bacon and DJ Spoony the plankton.

The old (i.e. good, before they turned it into the blogging monstrosity it is now) BBC football messageboard used to get flooded every monday with demands to get Spoony off. Bring back Claridge, he may wind people up but at least he actually knows what he is talking about
(there was a quality row between Marcotti and Claridge once, as GM was slagging off some norn iron league match that was on during the show and Claridge went absolutely ape-shit at him for about 10 minutes, and carried on digging at him for the entire show, in fact, not sure they have ever appeared together on any show since then!)

Gab Marcotti can fuck right off as well, my radio gets turned off on a sunday evening while those two tools are on
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 17:50, closed)