This will make me angry, I'm sure
A lot of these stories remind me of my ex, who generally lazed about and bullshitted for England, despite his many talents, qualifications and achievements (of course), such as:
Joining the Royal Marine Commandoes (does this even exist?) at the age of 16 and being promoted to 'officer's rank' but leaving before he actually had to do anything so 'he could go to uni', which he never did, because...

UCAS wouldn't let him go to any universities, because they "didn't count IT and Computer science as seperate A levels, and to please never apply again", so naturally instead of doing another A level he sat at home and ate maltesers and sulked.

Being qualified as an IT tech and telling me all sorts of amazing hacking stuff he's done, even though he could barely install windows on the PC I'm using now, weirdly...

Doing a sort of mercenary mission in Africa shortly after leaving the Marines, which involved 'being shouted at a lot and blowing up a shed'...that one wasn't even entertaining...

Being in a ninja clan who did all sorts of good things, like beating up rapists and the like, the cool sounding made-up name of which is now my screenname, heh.

Doing illegal street racing in some ridiculously modified fancy-ass car that I can't remember the name of right now (probably something unlikely like a vectra), again at the age of 15 or something ridiculous like that,

Being able to fly a helicopter (what?),

Being a saxophonist/drummer in some band for a while, only quitting because "sometimes I ran out of hands and used my head to bash the cymbals" Hmm, thats probably one of the most pathetic...

Having some ridiculous car crash in which everyone in the car nearly died, only his heroism saved the day (this was corroborated by the others who were supposedly in the car actually, but they were pretty much in a dream world too)

Knowing some absolute psychopaths from school/the marines/the bus stop, including a dwarf who carried a big battleaxe around and a guy who plucked his own eye out and now has a steel plate riveted over the socket,

Having got it on with his french teacher in her office in school during his GCSE french oral (not what it sounds like) because she locked the door and said she'd pass him if he did,

Having sucked off a David Boreanaz lookalike in the toilets of a non-existent goth club with dwarves as bar staff (and this stuff was supposed to impress me?),

Being shat and pissed on by an equally insane ex (he claimed to hate this but it didn't stop him asking me to do it - I said no, btw), before she left him for his best friend...All I can confirm is that these people are actually real,

and my favourite:

"I got talked into taking LSD by [ex-stealing friend above] and I had a really bad trip...must have been really bad stuff, one guy who did it is still in a coma now...anyway, I had such a terribly bad, super-realistic hallucination that I've never really recovered from...I got raped by a giant banana (sob)."

Yeah, writing this kind of pissed me off...not because I believed him, I just kind of ignored his daft stories, but because I was with such a pathetic loser for so long!
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 20:02, 2 replies)

Haha
Reminds me of some of the stuff my ex used to come out with.

*clicks*
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 22:31, closed)

i
wanna go to the club with the dwarf bartenders!

......only the bar'd be too low to lean on...
(loki lie smith kiss me til I'm in a coma, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 4:44, closed)