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This is a question Lies I told on my CV

I've not had to lie on my CV (resumé for all you 'merkins) for a while, but way back when I was a teenager and C was a cool programming language, I listed it as one of my skills.

My new boss was remarkably nice about me spending my first week's employment reading a "how to program in C" book.

(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 15:55)
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Just the man for the job!
Many years ago, I had left my previous job with a sweetheart severance package that included eight months full salary, or half-salary if I should happen to find employment during that time.

(It was so generous because it included a condition that I not take them to the labour board for a blatant violation after they had the union certification that I'd organized overturned through some illegal jiggery-pokery.)

Although I felt obliged to take full advantage of a 2/3 year paid holiday, I was required to demonstrate that I was indeed looking for work. This meant sending out a lot of resumes that had "Please don't hire me, as I am mentally unbalanced!" written fairly large between the lines. I had a lot of fun being creative with them.

I accidentally got called in for an interview though once. "How did it happen? What can they be thinking?" I asked myself. I decided to have fun with the interview portion of the charade as well. I prepared myself with a small amount of a central nervous system stimulant several orders of magnitude more efficacious than caffeine in order to better put off the desired vibe of "skeevy undesirable."

When the interview began, the H.R. drone skipped by everything in my work experience, commented not at all on the numerous deliberate mispellings designed to make me appear as incompetent as humanly possible, or any of the other inappropriate elements that I'd included in the body of the resume. Instead, she skipped to the end. "Under 'Hobbies and Interests,'" she observed, "You have written 'I enjoy repetitive tasks.' What do you mean by that?"

Oh, crap. It was only meant to suggest an IQ in the mid-twenties -- she was reading it as an asset. I bluffed my way through it, saying that doing the same thing over and over put me in a trance-like state that I enjoyed a great deal. "Almost as good as sleeping, which I like better than anything."

On the strength of this, she was prepared to hire me on the spot -- no amount of twitching and fidgeting would dissuade her. I eventually had to call back and explain that I'd accepted a position elsewhere to get my head out of the noose.

I have a feeling that job would not have been the most challenging or stimulating employment one might find.
(, Tue 11 Jul 2006, 8:05, Reply)

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