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This is a question Lies I told on my CV

I've not had to lie on my CV (resumé for all you 'merkins) for a while, but way back when I was a teenager and C was a cool programming language, I listed it as one of my skills.

My new boss was remarkably nice about me spending my first week's employment reading a "how to program in C" book.

(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 15:55)
Pages: Popular, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Lie by all means, but be prepared to back it up.
I came to the company I'm in now after 4 years as a Novell Sysadmin. I knew naff all about Windows NT, but spent 6 months at a company prior to coming here which ran a large live stage of it. Having asked a few pertinent questions about NT and Exchange, I put both on my CV under skills. Got the interview here and winged it. Then rushed out and bought every NT admin book I could get to enable me to do the job when I got here. On my first day had to rebuild a crashed exchange server and restore the private and public stores from a backup someone else had done. I think I performed rather well, although I say so myself.
The regular visits to the toilet I made to squirt rusty water out of my arse and whimper to myself "What am I doing here" will be between me, Armitage Shanks and my psychiatrist.
I also put down that I have an HND... I suppose I do, I went to poly to do a BSc, got sent down after 2 years and what I have 'equates' to an HND.
If it's good enough for 5 employers, it's good enough for me..
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 8:40, Reply)
Freeloading in Amsterdam
A friend of mine informed me that her company was recruiting for a junior Java programmer position in their Amsterdam office.
They were having no luck in the Dutch market so they had adopted a policy of advertising in the UK and flying the applicants to Holland for the weekend to butter them up.
I was not very experienced in IT at the time but I decided wisely enough to BS about some VB experience that i didn't have.
I reasoned that if they were a Java shop they would have fuck all use for VB and would know as much as me about it (which was and still is nothing!).
At the worst I would have a weekend at their expense and get to meet my mate again.

Using Google I found a load of CV’s and used these to piece together something workable.
My referees were the mobile phone numbers of my mates in back home who were all primed to back my story up.
Within a week of applying I got an invite to come over for the interview.

I accepted their invitation and was flown over on the Friday night to have the interview on the Monday.
I duly arrived and immediately cleaned out the mini-bar, I ordered room service (most expensive on the menu), used the residents bar late into the night on Friday and Saturday and charged everything to the room. I had also perused the selection of Adult entertainment available in my room.

All of this turned up on the bill!
On the Monday the guy who was to interview me arrived. He greeted me warmly before going to the desk to pay the bill.
I was expecting him to explode at all the shit on there but all he said was "yesh, thishh ish very expenshive" (Think Austin Powers - Gold Member).
I was somewhat surprised that he wished to continue the interview. I had, after all, taken complete liberty with their undertaking to cover my expenses for the weekend.

As I had expected they asked me about my VB experience which I covered quite well. They never asked any specific programming questions or I would have been in real trouble. I confessed that I knew fcuk all about Java but was willing to learn.

2 weeks later they offered me the job. Within a week they knew I was rubbish but I was catching on well. After 3 months I was competent. After 7 months I left for twice the pay in another company – boy-o-boy they were pissed.
6 years on I’m a Java contractor.
I never tell the truth on my C.V – it gets you no where.
What people fail to recognize is that all a CV does is get you an interview. It is up to you to BS that and get the job.
… anyway companies lie blatantly also. How many times have you heard the words “we have an open door policy”?
The only “open door” is the one they push you through when profit takes a nose dive.
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 8:26, Reply)
Lying on a CV...
Well, this is similar. Sitting in front of five absolute strangers trying to convince them to let me live in there beautiful share house..All very square individuals I must say.
Whats to be said that they wont find out anyway:I enjoy vomiting in the gutter and hanging around felacial women. I will probably end up robbing you. I dont have a job. I enjoy smoking crack/meth/cigarettes I find on the ground. I am loud. I am annoying. I WILL end up robbing you...I hope they go for it, pappy needs a new pair of undies.
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 5:58, Reply)
Helped a Mate - Bad Idea
My CV is clean, but years ago I helped a "friend" cut, paste, and otherwise forge a very nice copy of our bosses college diploma -- after all, it wasn't doing anybody any good just sitting there on the wall.

Cut to 15 years later, same old "friend" and I are in competition for the same job. His degree cinched it for him, and I couldn't blab due to my involvement in the forgery.

Hoisted on my own petard, or something....
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 4:15, Reply)
I generally omit
that I'm an anarchist, was a union delegate for three and a half years, was fired for being overly Bolshie in my role as a union delegate, and intend to start my own co-operative rather than remain in someone else's employment.

I feel it proves I'm self-motivated and can work in teams, but some employers seem to disagree.
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 3:33, Reply)
I don't have a CV...
...because I don't need it. Once I've built my business and assetts up enough, unless there is some major catastrophe, I need never ask for employment.
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 2:49, Reply)
"experienced java programmer..."
Although i am a capable programmer in 'c' and 'assembler', all the companies seem to want java. So I added it to my CV and downloaded a book on it.

Come interview and i'd been doing it for 2 weeks (half-arsed, but enough to blag it.

What I wasn't expecting was the "Tell us about something you had to learn quickly, and how did you cope..."

"Well I recently put on my CV that i could program in java however i...only started....it....shit..."
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 1:27, Reply)
Lies lies and more lies
Before i applied to be a caretaker at the local primary school i told them i'd never shagged an under 12.

OOo the cheek of it.
(, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 1:21, Reply)
I used to be reasonably intelligent b4 i couldnt be arsed, i worked for an alarm company for 3 months. part of the interview was, waz that then of an electronic circuit diagram and i know naff all about same poss recog nise the bits in a good light but i noticed to transistoes back to back and said multivibrator, twat who was interviesing me didnt know any better anfd i got the job, scary 3 months , fixing and maintaining fire alarm systems with no drawings and no ides what they did, i wasnt the worst , one guy they would only let replace batteries, i went to a job after him and discovered he'd fixed the fault by disconnecing the alarm bell. i left as soon as posss. old folks home too.

shudder yes im pissed wany to make summit of it. im 94 your knoe
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:39, Reply)
......turns out if you claim to have a forkilift licence they might just ask you to drive one. One day.

Or in my case on my first day....

Still, i only managed to write off £5000 worth of stock and embed the bugger into the wall.

....silly rear wheel steering. Tsk.

Lenght? Girth? Both...in cold steel. Gotta love fork-lift-forks...
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:18, Reply)
My youngest daughter has just finished her GCSE's and is doing her 6th form induction this week. Today was the turn of the careers adviser who was teaching them how to write a CV to suit the career they wanted after they had finished further education.
Says to the kids " ..write down what your ideal job would be and why, and I will show you next week how to write a CV based on your predicted grades and experience to suit"
Youngest writes 'I want to be an International Assasin as the I get to travel the world, the money is brilliant, and I won't have to work very often.'

Should be an interesting CV..............
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:15, Reply)
CS what?
Being so ancient, I left school before the switch to GCSEs. Unfortunately, I didn't get A levels, as I'm thick, too, and only scraped a few CSEs. As no one now remembers what the hell these are, (meaning they're just about as useless as the paper they were written on) I never correct people for thinking my qualifications are GCSEs.

S'not my fault they turned my schooling obsolete... gits!
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:12, Reply)
I did exactly the same as I dropped out of the BTEC I claimed I completed!

Except when I turned up to work 1st day I ended up sitting next to a tutor from the very same course - luckily he didn't recognise me.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:06, Reply)
"I am currently learning Japanese"
Actually I was at the time. I just hadn't got very far, so when I was up for a job and the guy spoke fluent japanese I was able to legitimately say, "oh I'm just a beginner..." next question.

I took it off the CV when the very next interview started with "Ace-san, nihongo no benkyo wa do desu ka?".
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 22:54, Reply)
My goodness
I feel all virtuous. Mind you, I do leave out embarrassing firings, such as when I ruined a database containing important UK Visa information (I may be partially responsible for illegal immigration- very partially, I think...) or perhaps when I got fired from PlusNet (don't ask).
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 22:46, Reply)
I've had a checkered life
But my cv contains no lies - I have though had I think 21 jobs since I left school at 16, and I am only 37 which is not too bad - thankfully commitment has never been a problem with prospective employers - after all you can always tell them it was a contract.

I've been in IT since 1987, with a couple of moments away, including being a cabinet maker for Trace Elliot (they make bass amps for the rich and famous), A musician in the BRitish Army and a photographer to some famous rock bands (which have got me interviews just because people want to know what Alice Cooper is really like - How would I know from shooting thre songs from the photographers pit?). But I can list people like the European Space Agency, Coca Cola and Nike amongst my previous employers, so that carries some weight.

I'm not here to boast of my lies, but to maybe offer some advice - when I was out of IT I got back in by being a recruitment consultant and learned about how or how not to write a CV, so if I can help those out there searching, I'll sleep better.

1. Never short sell yourself - be proud of what you have done, no matter how insignificant it may seem - authority, responibility and accountability are things any employers love to see - even if it is when you are trying to get on the career ladder and have worked only part time at threshers.

2. Relevance - there is the rule of 5 - if you think you are not good enough for a job because although you can program in C, have a degree in microbiology, speak fluent swahili and can ride a unicycle but don't have experience of cooking mufffins that's fine - most job specs want the perfect candidate and of they list the above or similar most ridiculous things, mention in the cover letter that I can a), I can b) I can c) and I can d) (maybe dropping examples of each) but then write I am lacking in knowledge of e) but I am willing to learn - that will get you oin for interview - normally by the third yes difficult employers will be overawed you have 60% of the requirement.

3. A willingness to learn is often far more important than a lack of experience - just back it up with examples

4. Pride - if you have done something, something you may think is irrelevant but you talk with pride about it on your cv or in an interview, the passion will win you points.

5. Lying - DON'T. If you are a year off a degree be honest, but back it up by what you have done that is relevant - Liers get caught out and believe me there are networks and forums that will name abnd shame you.

6. Be yourself! Don't worry about going into and interview and not getting the job - there are plenty more out there that are better, and believe me what may look like the perfect job can actually turn out to be pure hell (I'm there right now - but I am getting out of it on my terms)

7. Hobbies and interests - true stories - I used to list Playing the guitar, travel and photography as my hobbies - one interview I was asked if I really went out on a Friday night and travelled afar to take pictures of my guitar - my response? "No Dave Mate, I go out and get wankered with my mates"- I got the job on the spot (and at a city company in the IT sector attached to the insurance industry) - this is a rare example but sometimes putting something as broad as "socialising" on your CV will get you a lot further than pretending you enjoy knitting - remember the people accross the desk may enjoy a pint as well - it also shows that you do not have problems with mixing with people and communicatinm, if even after a pint.

Well I am sure that is more, but for you young'uns I hope that helps - good luck in whatever you chose to do with your life - I hope it takes you to half the places I have been or am going and you always have a couple of quid on your pocket for a kebab and a beer because of it!
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 22:19, Reply)
On my CV under "Interests" it says:
"I make demented web stuff for work and for play. You may have seen my creations in the B3ta newsletter, which I write every week, and on the B3ta website which I co-founded."
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 22:08, Reply)
Not me that lied
done a HND in business admin at uni good few years back, started doing a module in travel and tourism, quickly realised it was a pile of shit so withdrew from it
imagine my surprise when i finished the course, gets my certificate and module results to find me getting not just a pass but a distinction

on my cv......never lied but embellished a few duties and responsibilites
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 21:49, Reply)
Dead Animals
When I was at school we had to construct a CV to hand in to the teachers, who were supposed to check it for mistakes, then include it as part of a file which would be sent to any colleges we applied for. I wasn't convinced that my teacher was checking them as thoroughly as she should, so I conducted a little test.

In the bit about employment history - well two weeks work experience in my case - I mentioned that part of my duties while working for the local rag included murdering small animals and homeless people. I handed my CV in, and the 'test' sentence was never mentioned to me. She actually congratulated me on the overall quality.

I really, really hope that it was sent to my college intact.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 21:02, Reply)
"Sadly, I've yet to meet a boss who'll take any notice of my suggestion that we should randomly split the pile of CVs into two equal piles and throw one pile in the bin so that:

"We don't employ any unlucky people by accident""

Perhaps you might consider working for David Brent? Given that he uses this exact line in an out-take in "The Office"?

(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 20:41, Reply)
Highlights of my CV:
"happy to work both as part of a team and on own initiative" - either put me in charge or sit me on my own in a corner where I don't have to put up with the braindead drongos (sp?) that I'll be working with.

(on my most recent job - crappy data entry temp) "My responsibilities were then extended to training others in the same process and taking on a more supervisory role" - telling newbies which buttons to press, and then sitting watching them to check that they didn't try and eat the keyboard or anything.

(previous job, till monkey in a garden centre) "I found this work enjoyable as it involved interaction with the public and colleagues" - huh, right.

Education - "Studied for 11 GCSE’s, predicted grades of 9 A’s and 2 A*’s
GCSE Fine Art (C); unable to sit other exams due to illness" - a fine mix of embellishment and glossing over here. Yes, I was predicted something along those lines (I think there was a B in there, but it made it look messy so I upgraded it), but it was in those stupid YELLIS tests which don't actually test what you know, but a general aptitude for that sort of thing, so that was the very highest I could have got had I worked for them. At all. Said illness was clinical depression, and in fact I didn't go to school at all for the two years of GCSE study. I stopped being honest about that when I realised that was why no-one would employ me. I didn't even get rejection letters, probably out of some HR tossers fear that they'd be sued if I topped myself.

"plays drums and percussion" - I haven't picked up a drumstick for a good 5 years or so, and I wasn't very good anyway. I think I only got into the local youth orchestra as they were short on percussionists.

"designs and contributes to a variety of websites" - well, I cobbled together something vaguely serviceable for my boyfriend's band. And I post on b3ta. Impressive.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 20:12, Reply)
not a lie
because when I failed my A-levels in Physics and Maths (second time round) Suffolk College sent me a GNVQ certificate for a Media course I'd never heard of.

I'll retire it when I've finished my PhD in Physics.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 20:10, Reply)
Not so much my CV
But the application form, was for a motor shop, full of.. things.. for .. cars..
I listed that over the years I regularly fixed cars with my dad over the years, and could practically strip and rebuild any engine you put in front of me.

The interview went like a dream, he was impressed, I was equally impressed with myself.

Last question of the interview.
"Can you tell me what the clutch does?"
"Um.. .. No."
"I'll be leaving now".
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 20:09, Reply)
Not a word of a lie on my CV.
However, I do list 'technology such as digital media and the internet' as an interest.
Prospective employers, for this read 'b3ta.com and doing silly things for said website'.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 19:25, Reply)
Says I passed my A-Levels, let's just leve it at that.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 19:19, Reply)
I found that leaving out
my 2 year theology diploma from my CV dramatically increased my chances of getting a job.

funny that.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 19:03, Reply)
a physics degree? bollocks
Place where I used to work did typesetting for scientific journals. Sounds boring but was, in fact, a good laugh, and taught me everything I needed to know about tattyshop.

they advertised for a new editor, whose job was to go through the newly typeset documents and look for errors in the equations etc.

only they got a beer-swilling thicky bloke, who had somehow managed to persuade them that he had a physics 1st class honours degree.

they started checking up after that.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 18:59, Reply)
i can fly
took quit allot of imagination didnt get the job dont think flying is a property needed in engineering very often
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 18:53, Reply)
Part time
Not me but a friend, didn't lie on his CV but when he started his job he decided to go to college a couple of days a week. After finishing his course and going back to full time he deceided he only wanted to work two days a week, so he told his boss he had enrolled at Uni on a course which doesn't exist.

Three years later he was contracted to do a 3D walkthrough something he had obviously covered in his imaginary course. As he had no idea how to do it he subcontracted out for cheaper so he got paid for someone elses work.

His employers were so impressed he got a payrise. he has just finished his dissertation!!! so now has to work full time earning a bundle for being a really good lier. Although he is quite paranoid they might ask for a degree certificate he is thinking of leaving.

His future CVs are going to be interesting reading!
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 18:46, Reply)

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