The Case of the obsessive Auntie and mysterious bathroom stain.
Every Tuesday mum and I would go up for tea at my Auntie Janet's house. One one occasion around the age of 11 or 12 I needed to go to the bathroom to drop the kids off at the pool and as I was sitting on the throne alone I decided to have a little 'play'. The unfortunate result was an oily stain on a cheap porous laminate bathroom door which was directly in front of the toilet. No matter how much scrubbing I gave the door the incriminating stain would not shift. There was only one thing for it - pretend the stain wasn't there and that it was nothing to do with me if asked about it.

The following Tuesday I was gently queried by my auntie asking what it was that I'd got up the back of the door. My reasoning was that if I was consistent enough in my denial she'd eventually forget about it.

This went on sporadically over the following 2 or 3 years with my denials being as persistant as her querying. Eventually I forgot about it. Move on a handfull of years to a meal in a fancy restaurant in celebration of my 18th birthday. Surrounded by family my darling Auntie pipes up,"I finally worked out what that stain was you put up the back of our bathroom door."

There was a silence, all eyes were on me. The implications of this statement and my realisation what everyone was thinking what it was set my face aglow.

"I had to test all sorts of things on the back of that door to work it out."

WTF?

It turns out that after a few years she'd had enough of trying to get me to admit anything so had gone through everything she had in the bathroom, squirting a bit of each onto the door - trying to work out what it was.

"It was one of those liquid filled scented bath pearls wasn't it?"

Relief.

I admitted that indeed it was one of those tantalisingly squishy balls of bath oils that I'd been giving a good old squeezing as it ruptured and squirted its oily mess all over the door.

Although to this day I wonder how many people still think I'd drained my tiny spuds over her bathroom even though I can't remember if I was physically advanced enough at that age to do so.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 15:48, 10 replies)

You had many more nights of frotting, over the thought of your auntie rubbing your harold off her bathroom door didn't you?
(thorneyvilla, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:12, closed)

YOU STILL OWE ME FOR THE PAINT FOR THAT FUCKING DOOR YOU OBSTREPEROUS LITTLE SHIT.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:19, closed)

Is that you.... Auntie Janet?
....are you typing this from beyond the grave?
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:22, closed)

BEWARE THE DESERT BOOTS IN THE SPARE WARDROBE. THERE IS A MOUSTRAP IN THE TOES.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:24, closed)

this for the win.
i bet you've also put one in your mouth before and wretched at the bitterness of the oily goodness.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:27, closed)

No
But I did once bite into one of those Ibuprofen gel caps as I didn't have any liquid to wash it down with.

Biting into a Habanero Chilli has nothing on the pain I felt in my mouth. Wife couldn't stop laughing at the look on my face as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
Don't do it kids.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 16:34, closed)

This reminds me
of eating a habanero in my British Airways starter, I thought it a cherry on top of the salad.

No drink with the meal, they'll come with the trolley later.

My head exploded.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 17:20, closed)

You decided to scent your cum stain with the ball?
clicks
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 17:21, closed)

I've spunked a few bathroom doors in my time,
and never had one that wouldn't clean up.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 2:50, closed)

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough.
The stain *was* from the gel filled ball.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:40, closed)