I went for a dump....
I squeezed, pushed and tensed my muscles until I could feel the turtle poking it's head out.Beads of sweat started to form on my brow as the energy was sapped from my body for this gargantuan effort.Then all the elements combined.The sun aligned with Venus.The moon cross orbited with Jupiter.The milky way was eclipsed by a once in a life time comet shower.The toilet seat reached the optimum temperature and finally I finished the next level of angry birds.I focused my faecal chakra and combined the forces of the universe into a single unifying force and expelled the chocolate refugee with such force that it felt as though for the briefest of moments I actually levitated off the floor.

A smug smile crept across the face of a man who knew he had done a job well.I paused to consider the meaning of life, the futility of feminism and the entirely absorbing conundrum of why all bottled beers were not twist off's.I glanced down and moved my extravagantly large member out of the way so I could survey the damage.To my horror there was nothing.Not even a skid mark or a poo stain down the side of the pan.Had I imagined the whole episode? Surely not...I distinctly remember hearing a plop as the projectile was launched.To this day I'm not sure if that was my first out of body poo'sperience, but if there was ever a moment I thought I was losing it that was it....
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 0:05, 9 replies)

In 1996 you loved emailing people about the seven types of poo, amirite?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 0:26, closed)

Epic...
Description, you should write books....that's assuming you don't already...
(repooc, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:32, closed)

This is an extract from a childrens book I wrote
Strangely, I am having a hard time finding a publisher.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:19, closed)

Maybe...
Pitching it as a children's book, might be your first mistake ;-D
(repooc, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 23:44, closed)

Although...
I think my 7 yr old might enjoy it.
(repooc, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 23:45, closed)

The phenomenon you experienced was what is called a "ghost poo".

Usually occurs if the log is particularly dense, and the momentum it gains from release propels it with enough force to go down the pipes without the need to flush.
(tyrellsOwl, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 12:55, closed)

You still had your undercrackers on, didn't you?

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:05, closed)

Sometimes with ghost poos
you find that, even though you wipe, you don't need to. This further unhinges your already-reeling mind (although you save a few pence on bog roll. Every cloud...)
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 23:17, closed)

The technical term
for that, my friend, is a 'phantom'.

The poo which exits so cleanly that you can get up and walk away without wiping is a 'no wipe bounty' but here's the catch; you cannot wipe to check. Like Schrodinger's cat, the phenomenon must not be observed or there is quantum collapse or something and it doesn't count.

There is also a 'glider' where the tip of the poo enters the water before anal detachment thus being silent. This is difficult to achieve in Australasia or GB but facile in the US so does not count there.
To my knowledge there has been no documented 'phantom- glider-no wipe bounty' trifecta and this remains the faecal holy grail.
(W3BOPLASTY, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:38, closed)