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This is a question Losing it

Bluehamster tells us: "This morning I found myself filling my mug not a teabag, but with Shreddies." Tell us of the times when you've convinced yourself that you're losing your marbles.

(, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:59)
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Madness, sheer madness
I've almost lost my marbles a few times due to some personal problems. This is not about that though, this is about that God-damn annoying condition called "Tinnitus".

I've always had it, regardless of age/situation or background noise it's always there if I concentrate on it. As anybody who has Tinnitus will tell you it will be there if you look for it so you have to "let go" and just let it wash over you else you will go mad.

To the crux of the story!

I was at a friends and we were doing the usual, video games, food, smoking enough green stuff to float the house up like a hot air balloon... After a few hours we got tired and went to bed, my Ipod was low on charge and my phone dead, so decided to try and sleep without any background music. Which was a bit of a mistake.

So... This is kinda what happened:

1 - 30 minutes: Tinny background noise, think small radio static
30 - 45 minutes: Background noise changing in pitch, head starts to hurt, clench teeth together.
45 - 50 minutes: Noise gets louder, cycling up each time I try to ignore it.
50 - 70 minutes: Noise starts going cyclic, can't think about anything but the noise, can't see anything as it's pitch black, can't feel anything as too stoned.
70 - 90 minutes: Start freaking out, all I can hear is a loud Air-raid siren in-between my temples ranging in pitch and length. Lights won't work as lamp plug not wired up, too stoned too speak correctly or rewire, hands have (in my head) swollen up to immense proportions and throbbing in time to noise.
90 - 110 minutes: Start biting hands to distract from noise, rubbing and eventually full out scratching skin to distract from noise.
110 - 115 minutes: Start bleeding, head is spinning. Noise is absolute. Still can't turn lights on or move
115 - 120 minutes: Start seeing flashing lights, noise is making my head hurt.
120 - 125 minutes: Stand up, can't see anything. Can't feel anything, conscious thought has been pushed out due to the noise. Walk outside with duvet wrapped around self.
125 - 128 minutes: Trip over duvet and fall down flights of stairs.
128 - 130 minutes: Can't feel a damn thing. Wrapped in duvet like a cocoon and can't move hands, legs, or anything. Still pitch black, noise has become a living thing tearing and chewing on my brain and ears. Mind feels squeezed, feel like I'm observing myself from a window outside my brain, start shaking uncontrollably. Am sure I'm crying but can't feel anything as body has gone numb and unresponsive.
130 - 135 minutes: Realise that if I don't turn on the lights, or TV or music I will go insane, start crawling along floor to wall.
135 - 140 minutes: Reach wall, inch up and turn lights on. Unwrap from cocoon and crawl into living room.

From there, I spent the next 7 hours meditating, listening to music, performing kata and playing video games. Anything to distract from the noise. My friends found me the next morning looking as white as a sheet and with bite marks over hands and arms so that I wouldn't fall asleep. They gave me a valium, sat with me and let me sleep for a few hours.

Apologies for the lack of funniez however this is the story of how I very nearly lost conscious thought that night and as a result, not many funniez to be had, Tinnitus very nearly drove me insane in the course of a single night helped by the sheer amount of grass I was using to self medicate. I still am terrified of the dark and silence but as a result I'm now seeing a counseller and things are better.

However I will never, ever forget seeing myself from outside my body shivering, alone and in terror in the dark not even hearing myself cry and feeling the pain as I bite my hands to stay awake. Loosing it? I very, very nearly lost it permanently.
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:53, 7 replies)
stop the internet, we have a winner.
fucking hell. mental, much?
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 12:51, closed)
Mmm drugs
In my defence the question did ask about loosing it.

Going insane due to a noise which isn't really there combined with mass drugs, that's not a great experience :-)
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 15:30, closed)
Loosing it?
You forgot the apostrophe
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 16:15, closed)
I loosed it this morning.
Thankfully, I was sitting on the bog at the time.
(, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 7:38, closed)

Drugs are bad, m'kay?
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 13:26, closed)

I thought this was going to end up with you trying to sleep through an actual fire alarm but too stoned to realize it. :(

I have tinnitus, too. It has not driven me to madness, but I do hate to hear the ringing swoop in out of nowhere when I'm away from roads and computers and other machines.
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 17:31, closed)
I fondly remember the days I'd turn to a colleague and say -

"Do you hear that?"


"That? Listen? Like a hard drive bearing going - is it your machine?"

And now I know - it was the bearing in my brain.

Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpppppppppppppppppzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzppppppp.

At night when it is really intrusive I take a lesson from the French ... Cognac in sufficient quantities works for me
(, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 9:33, closed)

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