It was the first weekend of the summer holidays.
My mate Ryan said he knew where there was a party and being 14 years old and up for large amounts of drinking we found out exactly where it was going to be and went. The crowd was a bit older than us, they were all in their 20's but as we were both very tall for our ages we were accepted no probs. The party was in full swing and after trying to snog Carmel and quite a few beers we found that the only drinks left were Blue Nun and red Lambrusco. I usually had a glass of red with Sunday lunch at my folks house and thought it was the height of sofistikashun to be drinking fizzy red wine out of the massive and distinctive bottle it came in.
Towards the end of the night and most people had left I ended up in the back garden puking party nibbles and thick red vomit. I was way too pissed to be able to walk home and so found a chair to sit down on and promptly fell asleep. Now this chair was one of those 70's jobs with a chrome frame and I fell asleep with my right arm draped over the side.
I woke up nice and early and only a little late for my paper round. I was only 14 and the paper round was at the time my only source of income. So with my head feeling like it had been split open and vomit poured in and then overflowed all down my face and onto my jumper and jeans I stood up and made my way to the front door. I got to the front door and put my right hand up to turn the latch but noticed that my hand wasn't working. My wrist was all limp and I couldn't move my fingers. I then realised I couldn't actually feel my hand. I thought it a bit odd but told myself that it was just a bit numb due to how I'd been sleeping and that giving it five minutes and a bit of pins and needles it would be fine. I walked to the paper shop, got my round ready (I had the smallest round by far, 16 papers during the week and 20 on a sunday) and delivered the papers. It must have taken me an hour to walk to the paper shop and do my round and my hand was still not working. Being severely hung over and stinking of sick and alcohol I finally got home and jumped in the shower and that was when I started to comprehend the full impact of a non functioning right hand for a 14 year old spunk filled walking hormone.
Anyway I woke up after a little nap and yup, it was still not working. It actually felt numb still. My wrist was slightly better but all of my fingers and my thumb were not listening to what my brain was trying to tell it. It had been a few hours now and I was beginning to get a bit worried. The last thing I wanted to do though was tell my parents. What could I say? Hi Mum, Dad, got wank faced drunk last night at a party, spent half the night heaving in the garden and the rest of it asleep at the house of someone I don't know and neither do you and so no I didn't sleep at Ryan's like I told you I was going to do, and, oh yeah, my hand is fucked.
So anyway, sunday dinner came and I did the best I could eating the roast with just a fork in my left hand as I couldn't even hold my knob in my right let alone a knife.
So monday morning and I get myself up nice and early for my paper round, still no working hand, and then I head to the doctors. I go in and see the doc and explain exactly what had happened (always felt that the best way is to be honest with the doctor as they have heard it and seen it all before). The doctor sits there thinking for a minute and then goes and gets all the other doctors from their rooms and now I have 8 doctors all looking at me and asking questions and poking and playing with my hand when one of them says that they have heard about this but never seen it before. It's called, and I kid you not, Saturday Night Palsy and it is usually homeless drunks who get it after getting blasted and then falling asleep on a park bench with their arm over the back. A nerve near the armpit gets damaged and it gets better with time but there is nothing that can be done to make it better. I should only be a week or two but they couldn't tell me exactly and I should come back in a few weeks if it wasn't getting any better.
Well at least I knew what it was now and it wasn't permanant. It did take about 5 weeks or so to get back to normal with gradual feeling and movement returning first in my thumb and then the first two fingers but the other two and that side of my hand were numb and lifeless for a long time.
People still think I'm joking when I tell them about it but it's there, you can google it, Saturday Night Palsy!

Apologies for length but I was 14 and had to learn how to knock one out with my left hand.
(Wagane, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 19:56, Reply)