Hurrumph!

I was visiting a member of my household staff in the hospital who was having a large brass doorknob removed from her vagina due to an unfortunate accident with a lawnmower on my estate. You may recall one of my recent communications (here) which explains how this shocking incident happened.

She was recovering from a clungependectomy operation to remove the door furniture which had wedged itself firmly between the toilet pipe and eggbox about a quarter of a yard inside her rumpytunnel. Arf! I shouldn't laugh. *snorts* Get a grip man. Now where was I? Good job I didn't make her laugh. Her fanny had been sewn up like a cricket ball and she had to lay motionless and piddle through a straw for the next two weeks. Seriously though, the poor girl was in some discomfort and was very upset. I should imagine this is because she is, and I have this on good authority, a nymphomaniac and she was going to be 'out of the saddle', so to speak, for over a month. Arf! I do apollogise. Terribly bad show. Really not funny.

It was the Bentley Owners Club ball the previous night and we had it at my place this year. Chef had managed to get hold of half a dozen swans from somewhere. Probably orf my own bloody lake, but to hell with all that. It was a bloody good do and absolute top class nosh. I was suffering from a touch of heartburn which was giving me gip and so I popped orf to the restroom to take a few of my indigestion tablets which would sort it out. Well the most stupid thing happened. I swallowed three of the damn things before I realised they were not indigestion tablets at all but three of those bloody tablets the quack gave me to help get some blood in the chap. Niagra or something. Now should a fella ever get an unplanned and unstoppable stiffie you would be wise to be in safer and more appropriate location than a hospital ward for folk with broken geitals.

The effect of the drug took effect as I returning to the ward where the poor girl was still in serious pain and not exactly feeling like all her birthdays had come at once. She offered to show me her wound which I have to say, I really did not wish to see. Well not in that state anyway! *snorts*. Before I could avert my eyes she had pulled down the bed sheet to reveal her ladyfanny which had tubes coming through the stiches and looked like a medical experiment which had gone horribly wrong. Just at that exact moment my chap went from flacid to maximum bar in literally a heartbeat. I was wearing my plus fours and to be honest, after that period in time where I became a tad incontinent, the stitching had rotted a bit and they couldn't take the strain. The entire crotch panel and zip tore open and my chap which now looked like a crimson jack handle sprung out with great force and stood there proud at a 45º angle throbbing like a horses heart after the hunt. What made it worse is that it must have looked like I got a jolly on from seeing my member of staff's broken mimsy and this caused her to scream very loudly. Her twat bust open like something out of Alien which caused my wife to faint, the nurse throw up and an auxillary nurse carrying some bedpans to slip in the vomit, throwing back the pans over her head striking the ward sister violently between the eyes, and as for the contents, I don't really wish to elaborate upon this as it was far too horrid to publish. Let's just say they got a tad busy in the laundry that day. *snort*

She is back at work now although we have moved her to the kitchens as she finds the stairs a bit of a hurdle. She walks a bit like John Wayne these days, except I doubt if she will be riding any horses for a while. Arf. Shouldn't laugh. I'm told her legs will eventually become closer together and I should think by next year's shooting season she will be right as ninepence.

I better get a move on. We're going to the ward sister's funeral this afternoon. I have checked I have the correct medication with me.

Pip Pip

Captn Horatio Clutterbuck Hood-Butter III (ret) _{VC VD & Bar}
captainhoodbutter.co.cc

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 12:57, 1 reply)

Winner!
I've got tears rolling down my cheeks from having to keep my laughter silent.

*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:58, closed)