I used to love hospitals as a kid
I'd normally stay in for a few days following major surgery and all would be well. Nurses taught me biology and suchlike, and I am going to become a nurse soon.

In December just gone, I was referred for foot surgery. I was extra nervous as it was to be done under epidural and not general anaesthetic, the latter I am a lot more comfortable with.

Mercifully, I was one of the first to go in for morning surgery.

10am: Anaesthetist comes round, calls me the wrong name and starts explaining knee surgery. After a quick nervous laugh, the right notes come along.

10.15: I'm in the anaesthetic room now, leaning towards my feet on the side of my bed. The local anaesthetic needle hurt like a bitch (as my skin was stretched) and the two sudden pangs of pins and needles moving in waves down my leg makes me panic. All is OK though, and this is normal. As I start going numb, I'm wheeled into theatre.

10.45: I'm halfway through my surgery now, iPod totally abandoned as my anaesthetist told me she was in the same year as Adam and Suman from the amateur transplants. She knows not of their music, but we have a good laugh nonetheless.

11.10: A sudden fucking agony in my foot as the epidural wears off. They're really apologetic and administer a block almost immediately. They let me watch as my foot is sewn back up and temporarily plastered. That was fun :)

11.30: I'm now in recovery and being told that I will not get another drink until I'm on the ward. Itching like fuck from the epidural and still traumatised after the theatre incident, I'm less than happy. I haven't eaten since the night before and not drank since 6am, so I'm pretty lame. The nurses are barely saying anything to me apart from to shove my oxygen mask back on.

12.30: I'm now in the ward, having had a drink of water, but no food. They said I needed to recover from my general anaesthetic before I could eat. They didn't believe me until I was discharged that I'd had a spinal! I texted my other half to get him to bring food for me, nearly crying now.

1pm: My drip is taken off, but my cannula is still in. The cannula hurts like fuck, and was far too big for my vein. I got myself dressed as I was in a less than modest state. I was told that it wasn't coming out until I had eaten and pissed.

2pm: I'm now being told that I can go home. A bit suspicious, as they were looking for beds a few minutes before. I protest like fuck as there is no way I can walk on crutches, but I'm helped to a wheelchair and moved over to the waiting area.

3pm: Massive traffic problems due to football means my other half is going to be later. I got my cannula taken out despite me explaining I had neither pissed nor eaten. The nurse shrugged it off.

3.30: All attempts to get the nurses' attention fails and I'm desperate for a piss. There is no way that I'm going to walk on my own, so I wait, still ignored.

4pm: Other half tells me he's nearly there, and I am so desperate for a piss that I try to go myself, thinking I must be fine. No such luck, I fall clean over. Nurses do absolutely nothing, and another patient helps me up.

4.30pm: The other half comes and I'm given medication to take home. I'm crying at this point and still have numb arse cheeks, which makes it really hard to walk. They have the cheek to tell me 'IF you have Tramadol, it might help'*.

My other half had to practically carry me to the car. I have sworn that next time, I'm getting a block anaesthetic from the knee down for the next one.

Easily the most traumatic experience of my life. Sorry for length.

*Actually, my other half DID have Tramadol, and that mixed with Ibuprofen and Codeine didn't help. The other half gave me NOS in an attempt to help. NOTHING helped for an hour. It felt like they were still sawing through the bone!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 2:47, 1 reply)