Suffolk 'n good.
AB's story of his grandad messing with a cockney reminded me of one from the same area of East Anglia. My grandparents came from there and I lived and worked in Norfolk and Suffolk for many years.

Let me start by saying that these stories nearly always feature a rural type and a cockney so are possibly apocryphal in nature. My take on the origins of this kind of tale is that as Norfolk and Suffolkers were increasingly exposed to people from London they labeled them all as "cockney", as you would. However this was told to me first hand by an old boy I worked with who hung out in the pub all weekend, every week, for most of his working life with these characters. I believe him.

They do say that everyone has one book in them, I believe this often applies to jokes too, you may think one up and have to wait, perhaps years, until the perfect moment presents itself and you can strike like a cobra.

This is the story of Walter's moment.

This brief exchange took place in a rural pub not a stone's throw from the location of ABs story and features Walter, a merry, wrinkly old rustic who always had a pint and a pipe on the go.
A stranger entered the bar red faced and somewhat flustered and asked loudly "Excuse me mate, I'm really late for a wedding, can anyone tell me the quickest way to Cockfield?"
Without missing a beat Walter removes his pipe from his mouth and asks " Oim a bit deaf bor, did yew ask the quickest way t'get tew Cockfield?"
The stranger nods his affirmation.
"Well", says Walter slowly, savouring his moment and nodding towards the barmaid, "Usually I finds the quickest way is to buy Chloe here a double brandy"
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 13:09, 4 replies)

And there was this from the local paper
I hope they don't mind.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 13:26, closed)

It's funny 'cos
Chloe is often plied with drink and sexually abused.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 13:35, closed)

Well then
She should have learned not to drink so much after the first time, shouldn't she?
(ubergeekian, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 22:28, closed)

Fuck me

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 14:26, closed)