I'm a silly bastard at the best of times.
I have returned from visiting my parents and my daughter (she's with them for the summer) in the Adirondacks. I have to share this incident with you...

I went into town one morning to wander about and see what all had changed since I was last there, and as I walked down Main Street I passed by a yard sale. Still being unemployed and broke, I didn't have money to spare- but for amusement's sake I looked around anyway. Loads of stuff that I had no use for, of course, though I was briefly tempted by a matching pair of 1960s armchairs upholstered in orange vinyl... and then I went around the side of the house and found something I couldn't at first identify.

It was a pair of identical statues, about as tall as my finger and carved out of some very hard black wood- possibly ebony. They were lying there on top of a box, back to back, but when I picked them up I burst out laughing.

They were this guy.

I closed them in my hand and went to the woman running the yard sale. "Excuse me, but these weren't marked. How much are they?" And I opened my hand.

The woman's eyes grew three times bigger and never left my palm. "Julie? JULIE!"

A pretty girl in her twenties appeared. "Yes, Mom?" And then she too looked at my hand and turned a very fetching shade of pink as she giggled.

"Okay, I just have to ask..."

"They're an Egyptian fertility god named Ileh Tanasul. I bought them while I was on my honeymoon."

"And they worked!" another woman piped up as she held a baby. "This is her son!"

Everyone on the porch was laughing now. "I had to get rid of them because I'm not ready for another one," Julie said. "Are you sure you want to get those?"

I gave her a dirty leer. "No problem there, I'm fixed."

More laughter, and Julie said, "I dunno- fifty cents for the pair."

"Sold!"

I returned to my parents' camp, still grinning. "Hey Mom, remember when you came back from New Guinea and brought me a penis protector?"

"Yeah." Mom looked a little wary.

"Here, I got you something fitting in return..."

After I told her the story of the yard sale ("You didn't identify yourself, did you?") I told her I was going to put them on a shelf in the camp so we could see how long it takes my sisters to notice them. Mom grinned and told me to go right ahead. At this point one stands directly behind a snarling wooden leopard and the other stands behind a carved wooden warthog with its tail lifted.

I foresee many years of a twisted version of Where's Waldo in our future.

This doesn't have anything to do with phones, does it? Ummmm... I was carrying my cell phone in my pocket the whole time, does that count?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 22:20, 2 replies)

That sounds like my family
and their many many naughty knick knacks.

Especially the cute little frogs that appear normal, until you turn them over.....suddenly they become anatomically correct. Well, correct for a human.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 18:52, closed)

Ah, Papua New Guinea
My parents met while teaching in PNG, and their house is liberally decorated with traditional native artworks, such as penis protectors, statues with engorged members that would put Dirk Diggler to shame, and a large carved wooden phallus that my mother uses as a bracelet holder.

Bringing friends over for the first time was always interesting.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 8:50, closed)