My 1st post and two phone disasters for the price of one, you lucky BOGOF bastards!
Twas my birthday a couple of months ago, so I went out with a mate, got well and truly twatted....and lost my phone. I was well pissed off at the time, but it was only a cheap nokia, PAYG, so I hadn't lost much. Besides, I was thinking of getting a new phone. One with a camera! T'interweb! MP3 player! Shininess! All the things my lost phone lacked.

Off I pop to the shops and decide to get a £20 a month deal, on an 18 month contract. 'Would you like insurance in case it gets lost or stolen?' asks Mr Salesman. 'Nah,' I reply, thinking I won't be so daft as to lose another phone.

A week later, armed with my shiny new toy, I'm out on the piss again with a different friend who's come to visit. We get rather mullered and get the night bus home, which, this being Sarf Lahndan, is full of the usual pissheads and generally dodgy looking characters. In between rambling drunkenly to my friend, I'm amusing myself by playing with my new phone.

The bus stops at a bus stop (they do that, you may have noticed), but instead of continuing on our merry way, the driver stops the engine and announces 'This bus is going no further until the passenger who hasn't paid his fare gets off the bus. I've called the police'. A few minutes pass, people start to get annoyed wanting to get home as by now it's about 2.30am, even offering to pay the (as yet unidentified) man's fare.

'It's the man in the baseball cap,' the driver helpfully informs us. Look, there he is, sitting a few seats behind my friend and I, pretending to be asleep. A few fellow passengers tut and suggest he might like to pay his fare so we can all go home. He's not happy with this, and goes to the driver's cab, trying to force the yob-proof door open, shouting at the driver to get off the bus so 'we can see what a big man you are'.

I detest people who threaten others like that. Beer-fuelled bravado kicks in. 'WHY DON'T YOU JUST PAY YOUR FUCKING FARE YOU FUCKING CUNT??!!' I shout. Oh dear. He comes over to us, shouting how he's gonna kick the crap out of me, blah, blah, blah..... Being too drunk to realise the value of shutting the fuck up in such times of imminent danger, I return his insults. Oh dear again. My friend by this time is standing up trying to calm him down, but he pushes her out of the way. Realising this leaves me, sitting in the window seat, a bit vulnerable, I hurl myself at nasty bloke. But I'm very drunk. So I miss. I end up sprawled on the bus floor, dropping my nice new phone as I fall.

After kicking me in the face and stamping on my head, he grabs my phone and jumps off the bus, at which point the driver hastily shuts the doors. Showing a capacity for logical thought which has so far eluded me I think, 'hmmm. That man's got my new but uninsured phone 1 week into an 18 month contract. That's not good.'

'OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS, HE'S GOT MY PHONE!!!' I shout at the driver which he does, bless him. I jump off the bus and there just down the road is my assailant.

'OI!! COME BACK WITH MY PHONE YOU CUNT!!' I shout after him. Which he does. Oh dear again. He punches me in the face so I throw myself at him, the impetus carrying us both into the window of a takeaway, which smashes. Other passengers jump off the bus to help restrain him, by which time the Plod turn up, nick him and return my phone to me. Phew.

Despite the bus being full of Afro-carribean passengers, and one police officer being of a similar ethnic origin, my assailant insists he's been arrested 'because I'm black isn't it?' My friend's reaction to this won't be repeated, but it wasn't very ladylike, put it that way.

After having statements taken by the slowest one-finger typist in the entire Met Police, we're allowed to leave the police station at 6.30am. Knackered.

I got a black eye out of it. He got 2 charges of common assault, one of theft and one of breach of the peace. There were no empty cells in any of the nearest police stations, resulting in him being taken to one about 5 miles away, so I'm guessing he got a long walk home too. Well, how else would he get home with no bus fare? :D

I still haven't got phone insurance. I'm not daft enough to let that happen again. Am I?

Too long?
( spesh., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 4:37, 1 reply)

Nice!
Very nice!

Have your first click!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 10:19, closed)