The mysterious case of the crusty mobile
Some things are just so wrong you feel like ripping out your own eyes, reaching inside the bloody sockets, and tearing out your own brain in an attempt to rid the terrible vision from your memory...

“I don’t know what that girl’s doing with these damn things,” complained my mate Sully as we walked to the pub, he examined the latest in a long line of mobiles his daughter, nine-year-old Marie had managed to fuck up. “Look at the state of this thing!” Sully proceeded to clean the crud and filth off the unit, attempting to get the damn thing to switch on but with no luck. He licked his finger and rubbed spit on the foggy screen. Then he returned the finger to his gob and repeated the process until the cheap Samsung sparkled a little. Still didn’t work though. “This is her third mobile this fucking year!” Sully lamented. “I only let her have one so when she’s playing out she can get in touch with me, you know, if somethings up – kiddie fiddlers are everywhere, you know.”

And Sully started scraping the gunk off the keypad with a nail. “Wouldn’t believe this was only two months old – look at the fucking state of it!” And he proceeded to use the lick and spit approach to cleaning the unit – it was a little like watching a particularly large and hairy cat with tattoos and a stupid hat indulge in a spot of grooming.

After the pub we went back to Sully’s for a Sunday afternoon meal. Marie met us at the door: “Uncle Spanky!” said Marie, as she attempted to punch me squarly in the nuts – her way of saying hello. We settled in the living room, pissing about, when Marie started telling me that her phone had broken – I explained I knew, her dad had told me. Marie then asked if I had a phone as she wanted to show me a trick. Intrigued, I offered her my brand spanking new, shit hot, amazingly fucking expensive mobile telecommunications device.

Marie then fucked off with it, thudding up the stairs with an evil laugh like the bride of fucking Chucky. I followed. Marie beckoned me into her bedroom. “Make it vibrate, Uncle Spanky!”

Now, this was obviously starting to feel a little bit wrong... Sully was down stairs preparing a meal, and I had a horrible feeling his daughter was about to demonstrate how she enjoyed sitting on vibrating mobile phones because it made her feel all tingly. With growing trepidation, I set off the vibrate function thing and handed over the phone, then Marie ran over to Binky’s cage and dropped the mobile inside so it landed softly on the hay. Phewww!!! I should explain that Binky was Marie’s pet rat – ugly little fucker, Binky – half a tail missing and walked with a bit of a limp, but Marie, bizzarely, loved the mutant rodent.

“Watch this!” said Marie.

And I watched. And Binky rustled in his hay bed and leapt onto the mobile, and then proceeded to violently and with great fucking effort, shag the arse off my pride and joy. Marie proclaimed with glee: "Binky's dancing! Binky's dancing!" It was fucking odd watching the furry arsed little shitbag shag the bollocks out of my Samsung – the unholy coupling of rodent and machine. And Binky was nipping and biting at his latest conquest while he grabbed hold. Then, before I could have a chance to react, Binky was spent and had scurried off to a corner. Jesus, I thought, give that fucker a cigarette and order him a pizza – he cums quicker than I fucking do!

Marie, giggling innocently, returned my phone. It was wet. I said: “Thanks,” and rushed to the bathroom to wash off the rat cum and spit, feeling rather ill. Then I went downstairs where I found Sully in the kitchen, as he waited for some potatoes to boil, he occupied himself attempting to get Marie’s mobile to work. Licking his finger to wipe away the crusty stuff, then returning it to his mouth. Over and over...

I didn’t have the heart to ask him what dessicated rat cum tasted like...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 14:04, 7 replies)

Rat semen...
... two words I never thought about in conjunction before! ha! click!
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 17:11, closed)

Obviously
You've never thought about rat problems while at sea.
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 3:29, closed)

Awful.

( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 18:55, closed)

Oh. Dear. God.
What the fuck was she doing when she found that out?
( Maladicta, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 22:12, closed)

"Binky's dancing!"
If I am now left with this mental image the next time my lady friend agrees to a "dance", I'm not going to be best pleased, Mr Hanky.

Have a well-deserved *click* though, all the same.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 9:12, closed)

Love it.
Binkys Dancing is now my new euphemism for spanking the monkey.
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 12:06, closed)

^^^This
ROLF MAYO!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 16:51, closed)