So I was walking home from the pub the other night...
behaving like a complete booze hound when I stumbled across a lovely e-scarpe-ment - the view was very sobering.

I could see something moving down at the bottom so went to investigate. At first I thought it was a loud rory lyon or even a mock turtle but upon closer inspection it turned out to be the snuffling of a very skinny & amorous badger - he looked like a little French dog. I got scared for a moment & thought "Dammit Janet!" but then I decided there and then that I was the man with the plan and got the fuck outta there - as everyone knows amorous badgers are protected by wicca'd witches who will cast their spell-check on you if you upset their badgers.

As I wore out Mark Morrison's Prison shoes running away I heard a loud "tiktock" sound and some birdwatchers nearby told me that it was the call of the resident Loon. I told them they were a bunch of big girls blouses for being bird-watchers and that they had given me bad advice. They threatened me with throwing me in the ring of fire (or was it the ringofyre - I can't remember, I was drunk) & threw a purple bowling ball at me. It hurt me when it hit and was covered in what I think was 3 men's cum. I reckon there was dan, dan but I don't know who the other guy was. I felt Dreadful. Even so I tried to warn them about the magic cat that might attack their birds

"Great" I thought, "now I have to go home and have a bath-ory." It hurt so much that the next day I had to go & see my GP, Dr. Shambolic. He behaved like an uppity damn primate (I've always enjoyed a bit of ape loverage), but he told me he'd show me his "Vagabond" (it was purty) & he did give me a script for some "@./" It was good but tasted a bit of poo-flakes.(TOTAL VAG EDIT.)
I woke up the following morning in bed with the luggage of someone else.

And now here I am telling my tale on b3ta. It took me a while to login as I kept getting "Username Moderation" failures but having told my tale it's left me a bit EMpVy inside. Like I've got PMGT or something.
If anyone want's the ball - I left it with Herb Alpet's taxi driver. Shim lives at Number 5, Wrigglesworth Lane, Funkenschlag.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 8:18, 15 replies)

:(

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 3 May 2012, 8:29, closed)

Bored as fuck & I
DON'T WANT TO TO DO THE WORK I BROUGHT HOME WITH ME!!!
Better?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 8:39, closed)

:)

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:23, closed)

A good effort.
Did you lose any luggage?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 3 May 2012, 8:53, closed)

Man.
my brainicle capacity can't accommodate everyone.
But since you mention it...
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:00, closed)

I (think I) feel honoured...

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 3 May 2012, 11:03, closed)

Can I have the 14 seconds
it took me until I skipped the rest of it back please??
(username failed moderation, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:05, closed)

Search
b3ta.com/search/answers - is your friend.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:09, closed)

So what was the souvenir?

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:06, closed)

A 10kg. purple cum-covered bowling ball.
& some luggage (I think).
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:08, closed)

Yay I got a really laboured mention
:)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 3 May 2012, 9:51, closed)

You have no idea.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 9:58, closed)

\o/

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:13, closed)

I mean really, c'mon
MV? Or Emvee.
Ffs where am I gonna fit that in?
Where?
I tried and history will judge me.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 10:16, closed)

so your gp
got really stoned and spent time he should be working pissing and moaning about things on the internet while consuming too much bacon?
weird.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:17, closed)

I'm pretty sure you
just described the reverse relationship I have with my RL GP.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 10:26, closed)

This is the only thing you've ever posted,
That looks like some thought went in to it.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 3 May 2012, 10:22, closed)

Note that you weren't in it.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 12:24, closed)

waits for mention
flounces off disappointed
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:24, closed)

Could you expunge any mention of me, it was embarrassing to read this.
If only you put as much effort into your ok cupid dating profile there's a slight chance you wouldn't spend so much time masturbating into your threadbare sock collection.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 3 May 2012, 10:33, closed)

No.
You got off lightly.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 3 May 2012, 12:25, closed)

'He'?
:(
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 3 May 2012, 11:56, closed)

See, I'm not the only one that did that to you!

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 3 May 2012, 13:32, closed)

I'm not sure I like
the fact that amorous badger looks like me :(

(Secretly I'm flattered :P)
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 3 May 2012, 12:14, closed)

how comes i'm not mentioned?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 3 May 2012, 13:30, closed)

Thank fuck I was in the first line so I didn't need to read the rest.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 3 May 2012, 13:31, closed)

Gutted...

How easily people get forgotten around here

:(
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 May 2012, 13:40, closed)