One Hell of a Turd!
The time was 8AM, and my anus was starting to feel cramped. Maybe it was the chicken kebabs I had eaten- mayhaps it was the visit to 'Wok This Way' last night and all the sushi I'd sampled. Perhaps it was the 10 pints of Pale Ale I had guzzled the night before. Maybe it was merely the psychological noose that I'd be leaving soon, and if I didn't expel my bowels now, I could be waiting for hours. All I knew was I needed to shite. And fast.

'Riddle me dee, riddle me doo. There's nothing wrong with an early morning poo.' I chanted to myself. Walking into the toilet I felt as if it was just a necessity that'd all be over soon- wham, bam, thankyou ma'am. No big issue. Little did I know, I was dancing into the danger zone.

As I had a nice, solid shite, I thought to myself 'This one's looking like a straight 10 on the sphincter scale.' I finished up and wiped my ass. It's always been part of my morals to never leave the toilet until at least 3 sheets of toilet paper had been firmly rubbed over my ass and came out of it pure, solid white. I had reached that point, and it was time to flush. The flush led to a blockage. 'Not a problem,' I thought, grabbing the toilet brush, 'I'll push it down.' I grabbed the end of the toilet brush and thrusted the other end into the deepest bowels of the toilet bowl, making sure not to go too low and get my hands dirty. After a bit of grafting, I decided to go for another flush. Pushing down on the lever, I expected all my problems to go away. Imagine my horror as things took a turn for the worse.

The toilet bowl rose with water that was becoming a bilious tone of brown. Clumps of toilet roll were floating around in the swampy matter. Lumps of shite had even found their way onto the toilet brush. Absolutely abhorrible. Disgusting. I knew I couldn't risk another brushing, no one wants to see shite all over the family toilet brush. The only option was another flush, but I had to wait for the water to sink low enough so as not to overflow the bowl. It's times like these I start to think of inventing a toilet bowl with a point of reference for when it's safe to take another flush, it's moments like these it's really needed. But, alas, I was without any point of reference, and the water didn't seem to be moving an inch. I knew it was risky- but I took the final flush.

My heart pounded as the Ghanian Soup began to climb its way up the bowl, closer and closer to the tip. I felt like this was a life or death matter- I can't see myself maintaining any will to live if I happened to get flooded with brown, shitty water. Just as the offensive matter reached the last millimeter of the toilet bowl, I held my breath. I closed my eyes. I started to become nauseous and faint, in pure fright at the vision of what was about to happen. Just as soon as I was ready to pass out, I heard a sharp, galloping noise. I opened my eyes and watched as all my problems flushed away through the pipes, leaving the toilet as clean as an obsessive-compulsive volleyball coach's whistle. It was over. I had looked the devil in the eyes, and came out alive on the other side.
(SirStromming, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 6:49, 4 replies)

haha, poo!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 7:08, closed)

HAHAHAHAHAHA, POO! POO!

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 7:20, closed)

You guys are up early.
'ning btw.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 8 Aug 2013, 7:29, closed)