Many many moons ago.....
....when i was a yoof, i went out for a night on the town. All went well, good beer, company, pub etc.

Sure enough home time rolled around and it dawned on me i had no cash left for el taxi, having spent it all on dirty, cheap cider. Needless to say, not only was i cashless....i was also wankered.

So, off i trudged to the cash point to get some redies. Beep-beep, cash out, et voila...taxi time.

Not quite...

I turn around to be faced with what can only be described as a Nike-clad oompah lumpah. I shit you not, he was no taller than 4ft8. Bless him.

He pointed out that he had seen me enter my pin and would like to relieve me of both my card and my phone. Should i fail to comply he would summon his gang of heavies from around the corner to, as he so eliquently put it "smash my fucking skull in". Nice.

Now, bearing in mind that i'm 6"3, 17st and drunk, i thought i'd point something out to him....

"Right....you thieving cunt. If. And this is a big fucking IF. You had a gang around the corner surely they would have got someone a bit bigger than my Jack-fucking-russel to mug me. Cock."

A wave of chav-based confusion swept over his face. He thought everything through. I could see he was thinking everything through. So i leapt at him in a drunken state and screamed...

"FUCKOFFYOUROBBINGCUNTINGSCUMBAGDWARFANDGOANDFUCKYOURSELFAAARARRRRRRGGGHHHHH"

...or something to that effect. I was very drunk.

He ran off like a girl, and i got my taxi home. Yay.

Length? Girth? Gotta have both, my mugger certainly didn't. Click "i like this" because you know you do.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:19, Reply)