My Mum vs Neds
My old dear was out having a drink with my dad at about 4pm-ish in a well-known family-orientated pub/restaurant chain.
A couple of 17-year-old Chavs come in and sit at the next table of what is a fairly busy place.
While my dad went up to get the drinks in, my mum stood up and leaned across the table to grab a paper, when she suddenly felt a painful nip to the rear.
Thinking it was my dad mucking about, she turned round ready to tell him where to go, only to find no one there .. . . .
It was then that she cast her eyes downward to find, to her utter astonishment, one of the neds on his knees, mouth open, bearing teeth.
Suddenly the sweet demeanour of this 5-foot tall 58-year-old woman evaporated and was replaced by an uncharacteristic flood of rage.
What the fuck are you doing?" she yelled at the young pervert, in voice that attracted the attention of the entire bar. Every drinker in the large room turned to see this old woman renowned for her polite persona and helpful ways suddenly become posessed by the spirit of Hades itself.
Sensing this, the ned jumped on to his feet and began to back-pedal in fear, but it was too late.
Within a split second she had launched herself at the 6-foot ape, and in a flurry of wrinkly limbs beat the shit out of the Burberry-clad goon.
The neds were politely told by the management to drink up, leave, and never come back.

My dad was oblivious to the whole thing. He'd gone to the bog and missed the lot. My mum didn't want to tell him incase he had a go at the neds, but he later just laughed it off, as it was clear that SHE should be fighting his battles for HIM.

Now embarrased, my dear old mother recalls with horror the noise his shin made when she cracked it with the right boot, but in all honesty I'm proud of her. Standing up to attackers twice her size - way to go!
Anyone who attacks a 58-year-old woman and gets a kicking in return deserves all the pain and humiliation they get.

Before the neds left, the beaten one limped towards my now seated mum, yet kept a cautious distance of almost ten feet between them when he sheepishly apologised: "I'm really sorry, I thought it was a younger lady!"

Nice excuse, eh?

He was told to fuck off before he got another kicking off the old dear.
(Barry Subchimp, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:15, Reply)