made a fiver
I was bastardly drunk one night in Soho and went to the Barclays cashpoint which, in those days, was very badly lit. There was a homeless chap wrapped up in a sleeping bag just to my right.
Just as I had tapped in my pin, a voice behind me said "is that yours?" pointing to a fiver on the floor. Definitely wasn't mine and I told him so, but he persisted, so I bent over to pick it up.
As I did, I heard the sound of my card being ripped out of the machine. I was pissed, but not so pissed as to miss that, and just pissed enough to be a bit brave and reckless.
I discretely asked the homeless guy which one of the fuckers had my car (there were about 5 italian-looking cunts hanging round). Mr homeless indicated with his eyes who it was so I went up to him and said "gimme my fucking card you cunt"
They all crowded round and started pushing me but I strangely didn't feel threatened. One of them started shouting "I fuck your mother, I fuck your mother" so I told him "yeah? you'll have to dig her up first, cunt" (she'd died about a month before).
After much jostling and giving evils, one says "your card is here, we never touched it" - it was UPSIDE DOWN in the cashpoint slot, so I pocketed it, got my mobile out and mimed calling the police- they ran (well they WERE Italians).
I thanked the homeless guy and gave him the fiver "bait" that I'd picked up, and he tells me "fuck me you were lucky- they stabbed someone here last week"
That's when my bum went "boo" and I started shaking like a shitting dog.

"I laugh in the face of length, tweak the girth of the dreadful spindly killer-cock"
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 16:33, Reply)