I've been waiting for this one
I've mentioned my mother a few times on this site. Very stern woman who I have at the best of times a rocky relationship with. You see, my mum was no angel growing up, but god be damned I'd be belted one if I so much as thought of going outside after dark before the age of 16. Even when I'm back home for the weekend now she stays up unti' I come back from the pub so she can criticise me and my childish antics, and how she was worried stiff.

I'm 22.

A motorbike? Hell no.

I told my mum once that I wanted to grow up to be a stuntman on a motorbike. As punishment for that outburst, I wasn't allowed a bicycle until I was 12. Even then, I had stabilisers until I was nearly 14. When they eventualy went off, my Mummy used some industrial contacts to get me a purple and green Daewoo bike that weighed almost as much as I did. I wanted a mountain bike. That's that dream shattered.

My mum got a fake hip put in when she was 27. As a founding member of a bike gang in Slough, she once avoided a head on collision between her Harley Davidson and a lorry by sliding under it, wrecking her entire right side. She still has her leather jacket. I live in Birmingham now. When she comes over she checks the house religiously to be sure that I haven't gone and got myself a motorbike.

Be nice to your sister. Always

Everything I had, my sister got 50% as standard. That's how you ensure equal parenting these days, apparently. £20 from nanny for your birthday? Your sister gets ten. Be a good brother. It only got worse when Mummy popped another little sister out of her. Littlest sister once bit a piece clean out of my original pressing of Dark Side of the Moon I inherited from an uncle. To balance it out, I got her cd of The Smurfs Go Pop!

My mum has 2 false teeth. She dropped a typewriter on her brother from a third floor window when she was 8 years old. He retorted by smashing her face with a drain cover. He was 16. She's currently in the process of legally disassociating herself from him.

Not with your disability

I am colourblind. When I joined secondary school, my mum seated me in a meeting with every teacher - even those who didn't give me classes - explaining that I was severely disabled and if they needed assistance they should talk to her directly. I was drafted into a special needs class and swiftly removed when my IQ test came back in the 130s. She complained to the headmaster to get me re-introduced. Goodbye, self-confidence.

My mum is dyslexic. She was expelled from her school for giving a teacher who called her retarded a gleaming black eye. Anyone who mentions her disability now goes into a little black book by the phone.

I don't know whether I should appreciate her for being a wildchild inspiration, or despise her as a restrictive parent. Either way, I love her.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 11 Feb 2010, 14:39, 1 reply)

So where do you hide your bike then, lockup - two blocks round the back?
(Benzyl, Sun 14 Feb 2010, 23:34, closed)