In which Grandmasterfluffles' mum holds up an army base
My mother always had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law. The litany of Grandma’s crimes ran to being uneducated (not exactly her fault) not "speaking properly" (English was her second language) and feeding us fattening food (not exactly going to kill us, especially since we were both very skinny, probably due to the fact that there was nothing but low fat cottage cheese to eat at home). But the most hateful thing that Grandma did was giving us “unsuitable” presents. Barely a birthday, Christmas or Hanukah would go past without me being given a pert-breasted Sindy doll, or my brother a toy gun. Mum used to insist that these toys were immediately taken to the local charity shop as soon as Grandma had gone home, which pissed me off no end but I didn’t have the balls to rebel, so I used to pretend I was glad to see the back of the dolls whilst raging inside.

My brother however was rather more rebellious than I was. When Grandma presented him with a scarily realistic-looking toy revolver for his 2nd birthday, he refused to part with it. He screamed blue murder when Mum tried to confiscate it, and insisted on hugging it in his sleep like a teddy bear, lest she try to remove it in the middle of the night. She had to accept it in the end - the gun was there to stay.

Whether due to latent violent tendencies or sheer bloody-minded rebelliousness, the revolver was by far his favourite toy. He refused to leave the house without it. He continued to sleep with it like a comfort blanket. Unfortunately, he had a habit of whipping it out in the middle of crowded shops and “firing” at people. Most people found this quite sweet, but Mum didn’t like it one bit, and many was the time that she confiscated the revolver and put it in her handbag for safekeeping whilst she dragged around her screaming toddler (little bro) and long-suffering 7-year-old (me).

However, once the revolver was in her handbag, things started to get interesting. Have you ever seen the look on a bank cashier’s face when a customer, emptying her handbag onto the counter in an attempt to find her paying in book, whips out a revolver? I have. Have you seen the look on Mr Patel from the cornershop’s face when the nice woman who comes in every day after work for a pack of Marlboro Reds pulls a gun on him whilst looking for her wallet? I have.

But the best story EVER is one that alas I was not there to witness. Mum is a violinist, plays in a band that provides yee-haa cowboy music for barn dances and weddings. One time she had a gig playing for some event at an army base. Being an army base, security was quite tight. Every few cars that came through were subjected to a MASSIVELY detailed search, and alas, they picked hers. They told her to step out of the car and made her a cup of tea whilst they pretty much took the car apart looking for explosives. They were under the bonnet for a good half hour, they looked between the seats, underneath the car, in the exhaust pipe, everywhere, no stone was left unturned. When they’d finished, they apologised for making her late and sent her on her way. So she arrived for the soundcheck an hour late, full of apologies. She told them the story of how she’d been held up at the entrance having her car searched whilst everyone rolled their eyes and nodded knowingly. Then she concluded the saga by whipping out my little brother’s incredibly realistic-looking toy revolver and saying, “It’s a good job they didn’t look in my handbag!”

Moral of the story? Never try to part a two-year-old boy with his toy gun. Don’t trust the army with security. And don’t mess with my mum.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 9:20, 5 replies)

*giggles*
You popped up in one of my dreams last night, btw. Not in a weird way or owt. But I think your 'cello might have been involved.


Christ, that makes me sound like a stalker...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 9:55, closed)

Well, my cello is rather beautiful and seductive.
I recently had to put FRAGILE stickers all over the case thanks to some pissed nutter who tried to dry-hump it on the tube.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 10:22, closed)

I've seen the photos.
I'd give it a go if I thought I could get away with it...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 10:31, closed)

My God what an upbringing.
You seem so normal.
( girlinthehole, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 11:45, closed)

Haha!
You think this is bad? You obviously haven't read the other one ;)
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 13 Feb 2010, 13:16, closed)