As a wee flim-flam...
...I was gently forced to participate in a variety of dodgy school plays, I played Mary one year in a nativity play (and dropped baby Jesus on his head) and a robin in another Christmas play, this basically involved me prancing around in a brown pair of cords trousers with a brown top and a red circle of felt stapled to my top - classy stuff you’ll agree. Anyhoo the best play came one Christmas, I think I was around 10 and the idea surfaced that doing a nativity play was a bit *done* so all the teachers sat in a room, presumably smoked a lot of pot and came up with the following:

Aliens were attacking the Earth. At Christmas time. Their leader was painted green and housed in a compost bin which had been delivered to our school the week before. The poor boy resembled a rather demented Dalek and was wheeled around the stage with reckless abandonment by his fellow aliens who were also painted green and wearing rather fetching bin bag outfits with paper cone long green fingernails. I should at this point mention that this play was created on a budget, just in case you hadn’t noticed that for yourself!

So yes, where was I? ALIENS! Whilst the aliens attacked and sang songs (as far as I can remember) all hell ensued. Many small children were running around dressed as firemen and policemen and general public, all in a muddle forgetting lines and freaking out.

What, I hear you ask, could make this better? Of course, you know the answer already. A rap.

At this point, me and 5 other kids stroll onto the stage wearing baseball caps (backwards!) with jeans and oversized t-shirts, behaving pretty bad-ass - well as bad-ass as 10 year old kids from a small town in Cambridgeshire know how to be, anyway. Two weeks before the play, there had been a competition to write a rap that we could bust out in an attempt to beat the aliens. At the time, I watched a lot of Fresh Prince of Bel Air and, inspired by the spirit of William Smith, I went and bloody won it! Sadly, the lyrics have been lost over the years – but that might be for the best. I’m not sure I would have made the Fresh Prince proud.

So there we go, aliens attacked the Earth, rappers warned them off with a rap and then I think it snowed and the aliens got colds and fucked off.

The next year they went back to the normal nativity play. (We did not do a Jesus rap.)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:54, Reply)